Lack of respect for DH

[Merrydance]

Looking for some advice really as really finding it difficult to feel attracted to my DH and constantly feel intolerant of him. Been married a long time, with ups and downs along the way, but I just feel I have another child, rather than a supportive and fun loving partner. After many years of trying to encourage him fo see GP he finally is having medication for anxiety which he has found helpful and has definitely helped his moody outbursts and increased his tolerance. He also had counselling but found it difficult to identify what he wanted to have counselling for so that has stopped
I hate feeling like this toward him, but feel I always have to be the one who is calm.
He is a nervous driver and will only drive locally when needed. I do all the driving and he is even nervous sitting next to me
He is always worried something will go wrong or someone get hurt so everything comes with a health and safety warning prior to doing it
If he does anything around the house, he has to tell me and wants recognition
He is rarely relaxed, scurrying round the house and then whe he does sit down falls asleep
We had a rare evening alone on Saturday and he spent 3 hours upstairs writing poems sbout his life, without asking would I like to do something together. He then came downstairs and fell asleep
When tired instead of going to bed, he curls up on the sofa, like a baby, which really irritates me
But one of the main things is him talking in a child like voice most of the time, I have asked him not to for many years, but no success
I think we wants a wife that will shower him with affection and praise, but I am not really like that. I am calm and practical, want to be a bit carefree. I wish I could be who he wants me to be, but I have tried being supportive and encouraging but it did nothing to change things in the behaviour I found difficult. It has affected our physical relationship and as I don't want to reciprocate, he sees it as I have a problem that I need to address. He can't see that someone talking to me in a baby voice turns me off and his attempts to cuddle me feel like he is clinging to me. I have tried to discuss this many times but it does not change
We can't go to marriage counselling as one of our children is uwell and knowing we were having martial difficulties would be too much for them to cope with
I don't want to tell family or friends, as I don't want them to feel differently toward DH and it feels disloyal.
So just want to vent somewhere that is anonymous!

Of course you can go to marriage counselling. You don't need to tell your child! Surely if it continues like this you would split up anyway.

I would totally have the ick with someone like that.

He sounds awful! Especially the child voice and ‘angry outbursts’.

Attending counselling alone to decide what you want to do about the relationship would be a good idea. Eg if you decide you no longer want to be in the relationship, you don’t need couple’s counselling or your H’s agreement to end it.

As regards your DC’s mental health, that could well be as negatively affected by the status quo as by a break up.

Oh OP I would find this soooo hard. You have my sympathy!

Lie to your child about marriage counselling. No one's business except you and your DP. Actually I'd go so far as to say inappropriate to tell your child you're in counselling.

Get some counselling for yourself. My counsellor is £30 per hour on the phone, which I find affordable.

If not done already do some reading about anxiety. It is a debilitating MH problem and it may help you see where DH is coming from. It may also help you see what behaviour is anxiety related and what behaviour is just his personality.

Regarding the sex, I would be blunt. Say as you're having problems in your relationship it affects whether you want sex. It's pretty obvious isn't it?

Also question for you - what does he do to make you feel loved, safe, cherished?

You need to tell him, in the nicest possible way, that if he doesn’t do more to work on his anxiety and depression then you won’t be able to support him forever. He does sound like he is struggling massively with his mental health, and I have sympathy with him being unable to find the right kind of counselling or therapy because our NHS is about as helpful as a chocolate teapot when it comes to things like this. That is not his fault, but it’s not your responsibility to cope with it either. Getting help to deal with being a nervous driver/passenger would be a start.

Thanks for your prompt replies, I will look into counselling
He did not go via NHS for counselling as he did not want it on his NHS record. He went private and chose the counsellor that sounded best for him, he included in this working on driving anxiety, which was really his main motivation for therapy. It has not made much difference to his driving confidence. He then felt there was not much else to discuss, I suggested discussing his generalised anxiety and lack of confidence, but ne did not feel this was needed
He thinks that he makes me cups of tea and does the ironing shows he loves me. He does buy me flowers from time to time, mainly special reasons like valentines. He does nothing to make me feel safe and I think that is what is probably behind a lot of my resentment. I am the one who has to make the whole family feel safe. He works hard at work, we have similar attitudes to parenting and money. I worry our children find him irritating, that saddens me, they are polite to him etc, but all is caution and bumbling, is tiring for them. They are all young adults.
He does not make me feel cherished. His mother liked to control everything due to her own anxiety and his father was happy for this to happen as he did not like to take responsibility for anything due to his anxiety. My DH did not have an example of a mutually supportive relationship, but it worked well for them. My Mum had to do a lot in my children, due to my father's ill health, but he adored her, put her on a pedastel and treated her to lots of things ( I am not expecting DH to do the same, especially in material things)
I just want to feel I have someone to protect me and someone who can be there for me when life is hard for me, not get more anxious when this happens

Is your child's struggles linked to the relationship they see between you and her father? Children often take on the woes and dysfunctions of their parents and other relationships displayed to them.

I think both your expectations and communication are off, you both want something from the other that the other can't give.

He wants praise and recognition for doing perfectly normal adult things like ironing, he basically wants you to treat him like a child (drive him around, say well done for doing some chores) but also have sex with him, which no healthy woman would want to do.

You want someone else to make you 'feel safe', which im not entirely sure what you mean, but seems to be the literal opposite of what he makes you feel. You seem to be putting a lot of expectation on another person to make you feel 'cherished', 'safe', looked after etc. When you are already a practical person and look after yourself. It's a lot considering you don't even have an equal relationship where your partner can make themselves feel safe etc let alone another person.

Why do you think knowing that your parents are taking to someone to try and improve their marriage would have a more detrimental effect on your child than living in a dysfunctional house where a mutually supportive relationship isn't being modelled. Why would they have to know about it anyway?

DrinkFeck, you make soem very valid points. I know my calm practical nature is not very nuturing for him and makes it hard for him to see I may need support sometimes, like he needs from me frequently.
I can see that it would be healthier for children to see us working on issues, but not sure they would see it that way
My worry is one day I may really need help and I don't think he will cope, so feel rather lonely in the relationship

He sounds very needy.

Stop wasting your life and serve him with divorce papers.
That really is all I have to say.
Sounds to me like he's got some kind of adult baby fetish thing going on and wants you to change his nappies and breast feed him. Yuck.

Do you think that you're obliged to find him attractive?