Your opinion please, I'm in so much pain

[something2say]

Please can I have your opinion on this. I've split with my fiance. I'm 47, he's 41, no kids. Together 4.5 yrs. Live together but he works away. Back weekends.

My reasons are to do with compatibility. We have differing social lives and dont gel with one another's friends.

Also he was in huge debt when we met and has only just paid it off. This is down to over spending. It worried me and was a recurring theme. We were meant to buy together but he failed the credit check and I was so worried, I bought our home in my sole name. His habits placed me at risk.

Also health. His diet is terrible. I began to lose respect for his choices.

And he wanted me to curtail my social life.

So on paper I've done the right thing. It's just the good parts, the loss hurts.

Loyalty, protection, genuine interest in me, always there for me, generous, the days out we've had, the good times. He is not angry or aggressive at all, no bad temper. He cooks, he is handsome, he is manly. I HATE hurting him. I hate how he must be feeling.

He made a rash comment in anger about getting his stuff and I have inexplicably run with it and the relationship has ended.

But I feel horrible. Please give me your view.

I've just seperated from a man with debt, no savings, a lurking ex, bad back, depression and mood swings and anger.

I feel absolutely sad for what I thought he was I also feel sad for what I thought we was. I also feel sad that it went wrong. It wasn't the happy ending I hoped. I've also wasted 18 months of my life on him. Not long but the highs and lows feel alot longer.

I am happy to chat with you. It's all in those gut feelings isn't it? He owes me money and he also has important stuff to collect from my house. It's not easy.

Have you been very happy? Truthfully? Or did you know deep down be wasn't going to be able to step up for you?

Hiya, ahh sorry to hear that. I think you can find better tho. But it does hurt doesn't it.

I was absolutely happy for the first two years maybe. Then we moved in together and the cracks became apparent. But there was so much good about it. But then another harebrained financial idea, ir some thing where I heard my inner voice saying, no.

I'm in shock. Despite the differences I believed in us yet I'm the one driving this. He has 'got the message' now and no comms, which is at once better and worse. I'm crying every day and feeling awful for hurting him and putting him out of my house and the life we had planned.

It sounds like you have definitely done the right thing.

you didn’t put his name on the house did you?

Hugs lots of them his life would have dragged you down eventually mine has no sense of money luckily no debt but depression grumpiness controlling will wear you down, you’ve done the right thing.

No the house is in my name. Even that, doing it that way, upset me. Like one foot out.

It's just that he was a good man in so many ways. I'm going to miss him so much. I hate hurting him. I feel shit. He must be gutted. Every picture was him snuggling and kissing me. My love for him was obviously not as strong if I can do this.

Find someone who fits with your lifestyle, he certainly didn’t.

sounds like your mistake was moving in together, not breaking up now.

your ‘pros’ list is far, far outweighed by the ‘cons’.

would commit to the break up, stop contact and focus on yourself.

no need to think about his feelings: focus on your own concerns.

Having had enough isn’t ‘inexplicable’ at all given all the big negative things about him.

You have done the right thing. I was married to an idiot like this. Financial abuse, gaslighting, rape, beating up, [these last two only three times but still too many], control, coercive sex through sulking, smoking behind my back, prancing around in my knickers and bra, allsorts. I felt the same when I chucked him out but it quickly passed. It was embarrassment. He was cheating anyway. He told people I had tried to top myself because I couldn't live without him. It will get easier as you build your own life.

We bought a new house and we went to Comet [remember them to buy a fridge freezer. The credit check failed. He didn't miss a beat. Said it was tied to the address and the previous occupants. He then kicked off big time at me as if it was my fault.

One day came home sick. He always intercepted post. There was a credit card bill addressed to him. I opened it and confronted him when he came home. Burst into tears [him] saying he did it for me to go on holiday. funny that, I paid.

Friend's husband doing shopfitting saw him going into a loan company in town. He never told me. Letter arrived about taking security on the house. I shredded it and called the company.

Few weeks later he's at work and phone call for him when out. Same company. Told me he needed to get in touch about payments on his loan. More tears.

We were burgled. He asked me to lie on the insurance claim form that X Y and Z had been stolen when we didn't own them. I think he set it up himself now looking back.

He said he had received a letter accusing me of cheating. He had written it himself with his non dominant hand. He thought I was too stupid not to see. I was not cheating.

My XH could cook too. He was a housework freak. They all have good points. Very charming in public. So much so people were astounded when it ended.

You have done the right thing. It is the sadness at wasting time. Investment in backing a loser that you feel at the mo.It will pass.

Oh my word!!! That's financial abuse on a grand scale!!! I hope you are alright now?

My ex would not be this bad. The most I think would be a few grand hidden on a card and bigger car finance than he might say. He thought it was funny, a friend lying to his gf about car credit. I was furious.

He thought it was funny, a friend lying to his gf about car credit. I was furious

This is a very good reason to leave a relationship. Your feelings were not important.

Lying to you isn't been loyal and protecting you maybe you need to reframe your view of him. Debt, unhealthy eating choices,curtailing your social life puts your stability in life at risk. You ended it because you value yourself. Keep reminding yourself of that.

I suspect he maybe similar to an ex of mine, wonderful, handsome, fun, generous but he couldn't cope with being an adult.

You are sad for him because you care and are empathic but you are not responsible for him. What he does next in sorting his life is up to him. He had the opportunity to learn and grow from your input...if he chooses to squander that chance, it's on him.

That's what I'm trying to hold onto. The risks.

Thank you for the words. It's just sad and hurtful. I'm in the grief bit. I'll try to stop thinking about him, but he's such a loving gentle man, I can't bear the thought of him having to be alone and without the life we thought we'd have together.

Not just ‘risks’, actual problems that his circumstances and behaviour caused you, in the time you were together and now.

The life you envisaged wasn’t possible, with him as he was and is: it was unrealistic hoping.

Doubt he’s giving as much thought to YOUR feelings.

Yes thanks it's a good few years back now. I think you have defo done the right thing. I stuck it so long because he had convinced me I couldn't cope financially without him. I was terrified.

Do you mean a big, loving, deceitful man? He’s no loss….

The pain? I think it is being created by you being with this man. Are there factors from your childhood, as its hard to see otherwise why you are tolerating this pain when you could be completely free of it?