Marriage is almost over. Need to be alone with my thoughts. How.

[NeedToBeAlone]

Name changed.

Marriage is practically over. I have no energy to fight any more. All I want to do is be is alone with my thoughts. But we have the awkward problem of one house, one car etc.

I asked him to go to his parents, but he won't. I don't have anywhere to go.

I really need some space.

How do people cope when relationships break down and you still have to live under one roof?

I desperately need to be alone with my thoughts. But I don't know how to do it.

Just because you are instigating the split, it doesnt make you a bad person. There doesnt have to be someone at fault, does there? I wonder if we are programmed to think that way.

Maybe you could ask him to pay for you to stay at a B&B or hotel just for a night, that way he wont feel threatened and you get the space you need. Asking him to go is probably scary for him, whereas he could justify letting you have some thinking space to himself, as there may be hope, even though there isnt.

Its a tough situation, i hope all works out for you, whatever happens.

cross posts, sorry. I always feel very sad when i read these posts, perhaps because my relationship is hanging by a thread too.

In the long run though, you will all be happier including him. So you are not a bitch, maybe just the stronger person at the moment.

thanks

lucyellensmum - sorry to hear about your relationship. It sucks doesn't it?

I just feel incredibly sad now. But I know this is for the best. If I don't have some time to get my thoughts in order I am worried I will do something rash like walk out, and I want to remain 'grown up' about this. F*ck knows what I will do with the space at the weekend though. The temptation to get drunk and lose myself in oblivion is very tempting. Sadly.

hello needtobealone,

I didn't mention in my first post that I am a man, so I maybe I can also give a male perspective.

There is no way at all that you are a bitch, as you say. On the contrary, you are coming across as an extremely thoughtful and brave person. The easy option is always to keep the status quo but you are not taking that route and that is all the more to your credit.

It sounds like you took a very adult route tonight, talking to him and then finding a way for him to give you some space. Credit to him too, he is showing some courage by giving you the space you ask for, added to admitting to his parents that his marriage is on the rocks.

I hope that you don't end up feelng too uncomfortable with the space he has left you at the weekend. Of course it is tempting to drink yourself to oblivion but the same problems will be there when you sober up. IMO when you have been in a relationship for a long time, the thought of being alone is the scariest part. Obviously I mean long term but the same applies in the very short term now and finding yourself alone this weekend may also be daunting. But if you can, try to take some time to gather your thoughts. My suggestion earlier of speaking to the Samaritans stands firm. They are not in your family or friends, they will listen and not judge you, and give you time to formalise your thoughts.

All your husband can ask of you is that you are honest to him and, from what you say, it seems that you have been very open with him. By looking after your own needs and asking for space you are also looking after those around you too. It's the old adage of if you don't look after yourself first you cannot look after anyone else. By taking this brave and adult stance, and asking for space, you are ensuring that you do not do something rash - hence you are also looking after those around you too.

And remember, he will find his own resources too to look after himself, you just worry about yourself for now.

Hope that is of some help.

postingatlast - thank you for your very wise posts.

I haven't slept now for 2 nights and I am tired and crotchety. They are going tonight and it won't be a moment too soon, as I feel as if there is a pressure cooker in my head waiting to explode. I don't know how I will deal with all these emotions. Actually I do. I will drink (pathetic I know).

I can't believe this is all happening at the moment. I am in a whirl. 15 years with one person and I am throwing it all away. Sh*t I am scared.

NeedToBeAlone.........i was with my partner for 14 years. I felt like i was throwing it all away in the immediate aftermath of telling him it was over. Use the time you have on your own to relax a bit, you do need to think things through, but you also need a bit of time to just kick back and NOT think. which is harder said than done i know from personal experience.
i'm sure whatever your reasons are for reaching this decision are good solid ones, i'm sure you've given it much thought already.
i left my partner in October, i didn't move into my own place until the beginning of December. it's been a hard few months but through all the upset the one thing i KNEW was that i had made the right decision......even when faced with the consequences of that decision and thinking it would be easy to go back and carry on as life had been, i knew i had to stick to my guns for any of us to be happy in the long term.

be strong.....let yourself get upset, angry and scared if you need to......we're all here to listen and help you if you need it.

mumsnet was invaluable to me when i was at the beginning of my journey and i hope it will be as invaluable and supportive to you

your post has brought a lumpt to my throat queenrollo. I haven't been upset in all of this yet. But what I'd like now is to sob and sob. Maybe I will when they have left this evening

I think that it is your responsibility to find yourself some space (you can't force him out unfortunatley)and I hope you do
go to a friends for a bit. I'm so sorry he's refusing to move out though.

I think this even though when I went to a friends for 5 days when my ex-husband refused to move out he moved his new shag in for the weekend and had sex with her in our bed. Her long brown hair was all over the place (I remember being very distressed while sweeping it up from the laminate floors through the house).

I think what really tipped me over the edge to want to kill him though was the finger marks she'd left on the brass headrail (and that he'd tied her up using my scarf)

Try to look after yourself

NeedToBeAlone.....if you feel you need to cry then do so. i held it together while our son was up and around, but when he was in bed or at my mums i really let go. maybe that's what you need tonight. it's very easy to try and hold it all together, but i would advise you find someone who you can talk to about everything that is on your mind. i put a lot of my issues to one side, have felt like i have been very strong and this week had a hiccough and had an emotionally rough time.
you know it's not going to be easy.....i knew that....but you will do what you need to do to find your happy place.
i'm thinking of you honey......and everything really will be ok in the end....

They have just left. I feel strangely emotional about it. (I could hear him shouting at the children in the caras he drove away )

I need a very large drink now. And I could really do with a hug

I have made the decision to end things with my husband.

When I actually told him, albeit by letter, and he rang to say he had received the letter, I too felt quite emotional and decided to go with it and cry and I felt soooo much better afterwards for doing it.

I think it's only natural to be a little emotional at the ending of a relationship, whether you instigate it or not. You still have feelings. You may not be in love with h any more but you will always have something there as you've spent so long together and have dc.

I know I face a tough time but it is made ever so slightly easier by the fact that I know deep down I am doing the right thing.

You are being quite brave. Have a drink and a cry/scream, it can do you good to actually feel your emotions, holding them back can make you worse.

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}Mutha

I am a bit dsrunk but I will be ok

I ahve to be, dont IO?

you will both be absolutely fine, i promise you that.....it just may take a while to get there.

big hugs all round for anyone who needs one.....

Just tell him thanks and that you really appreciate him giving you this space. Maybe you could take it in turns to leave? And the kids stay put? Just till things get settled.

MY brother and SIL have just split - very amicably - and that's how they are doing it, taking it in turns to leave and so not disrupting the dc. I personally would find it hard to be apart from the kids but it seems to work for them.

I also know people who have divided up the house.

But don't actually move out - I think legally that is a bit of a no no.

Well looks like I blew my cover last night

So last night I got drunk. Very. . And today I woke up and wanted to start drinking straight away but I have resisted so far. I feel numb atm. But I have all this stuff in my head that I want to get out. I just don't know how. I need someone to cuddle and comfort me and let me release some of this emotional tension. I feel like I could cry forever. Troule is, I don't know how.

The sun is shining so I am going to force myself to go for a walk soon. Then I need to get down to some serious planning. I just hope I don't get caught up in the drink/SH pattern of destruction.

Thank you for your posts and support. They mean a lot ot me atm

honey....please try and stay away from the alcohol. it really doesn't help you when you actively have to sort things out.
have you got any friends who can give you some support in this....you do need at least one person in RL to help you through this. and you can always spill your thoughts on here......if you really want i'll give you my e-mail if you want to contact me directly......i know how much it helps to have the support of someone who understands.
i felt like i could cry forever too, but you do eventually reach a natural point where you are all cried out and can settle to getting on with things....and it will happen sooner than you think. this is all very raw for you at the moment....
you are in my thoughts, i know how tough this is for you

thansk queenrollo, you are very kind. I know I shouldnt be drinking. But I am an addict andthis is how I deal with things. And I know its crap, and wont help me at all. I just feel so alone atm. A couple of people in rl know how I am feeling, as well as my therapist, of course. But there is no one who could come round right now and comfort me. I wish I could cry and let some of it out, but it isnt happening

Can you ring your therapist? Mine used to let me ring for a telephone session when I was in crisis.

Don't forget that alcohol is a depressant and can make you feel even lower the next day - don't get me wrong, I am someone who likes a glass or two myself, but binging to drown things out really does make things worse in the long run.

Meant to say I would love to give you a big hug, so for you. It must really hurt.

I know you are right pages. I do try. Really I do. I dont want to bother my therapist. I have called on her so much and she always goes beyond the call of duty. I worry I will abuse our relationship

Are you sure there is no-one you can call? People like to be needed, don't forget. Crying is often something that will only happen with me if someone is empathising and hugging me.

I dont know pages, I really dont know. I have loads of 'friends' but only a few friends IYKWIM. And tbh most of them are probably sick of my bloody mental health probs. Just like I am.

Well PC, you know I am not one who is sick of your mental health problems (I avoid being sick of anything at all costs!) You could have unloaded to me this morning on the phone but I got the feeling you were trying to hold it all in. If you want to ring up and sob, I will always be there for you. I know you know that.

And I am going to say it again because I am sure I haven't said it for at least 2 days: you can always come and stay with me one weekend (or whenever) if you want to get right away. I know that was not appropriate this weekend, but keep it in mind for a weekend when you want a break without necessarily getting any peace!

Take care, my love.

Thansk DG. You are a real FRIEND.

I woudl love to come and stay with you and your gang sometime. I wish you wrent so far away