Help me navigate this break up

[Spectacles78]

Morning
I posted a couple of weeks ago about my partner of 7 years struggling to live with me because of my adult daughter who also lives there and wanting to move out but continue our relationship.
a week on and things have escalated to the point that whilst I’m away this weekend (on a pre planned trip without him) they’ve had another massive row and he’s moved all his stuff out into storage, says he’s not coming back and although he loves me he can’t see a way we can stay together anymore as he never wants to see my daughter ever again or step foot in my house.
I know this is the end, it has to be, my daughter (23) isn’t blameless but she is my daughter. I can’t and won’t choose but I do need a hand hold to see me through this break up. I am so sad.

I haven't read your previous post. Yes it does sound the end given that he has felt he he has to move out which tbh sounds sensible. You do need to look though at what her behaviour what and try and deal with it as otherwise she will behave like it even more, having now been successful in getting rid of him.

But there are more fish in the sea

overthewine I don’t think it’s an abusive relationship? I don’t understand what you mean. She is manipulative at times but she is my daughter and surely people don’t ever choose partners over their children whatever age they are?
I’m not sure it will be an issue for future partners! After a 24 year marriage (H left of OW) and now this. I can’t see any world where I would put myself out there again! It hurts too much.
I’m just so sad to lose the man I love. I realise for him it wasn’t enough or else he’d find a way but just for today I need to cry and be sad and find a way to start over again.

Is there a valid reason why she needs to continue living with you?
I agree it's hard to contemplate asking your daughter to leave to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't like her, but I don't know how it got to this point in the first place??

Saying for him it wasn't enough. The fact is that he couldn't put up with your daughters behaviour and he realised the relationship wouldn't work when trying to simultaneously navigate that. He has been sensible and taken the step to remove himself from the situation.

I would be reluctant to kick out a 23 year old but she needs to know her place and what is unacceptable behaviour which it sounds like she regularly indulges in, to your detriment. And any man is likely to object to that

What are the difficulties between them both?
I almost had it the other way around. I was with my partner and their parent lived with us which is struggled with greatly and it almost finished our relationship. It went on for years. It was so difficult.

How long has your partner lived with you both?
What is it they find difficult?
Are they having the same fall outs and disagreements?
And ... what do you do when this happens?

I found my DP would defend their parent regardless of what they'd said or done and this was really hard to tolerate and felt like it devalued our relationship.

In addition to my previous comment - you've said about manipulation and that your daughter can be manipulative. I found this with DP's parent. They would manipulate situations to make me look bad. Ultimately, they wanted me to move out so it could just be them and DP alone together again. Sometimes DP couldn't see this but it was clear as day to me.

My ex put her kids before me. Not that I should come first but there is a balance if you want to maintain a relationship. There is a website called Step Talk. Very good and it may help to see how your partner feels.

Raising step kids is hard enough, raising ones that are difficult are even harder. Is there a failure to parent on your part, I would say my ex just didn't have a clue and allowed crappy behaviour. It was easier to let me deal with things. I now see all the issue her previous ex had with her and her parenting.

Your partner has made the right decision, I wish I did the same, it would have saved a lot of pain all round, but when you have your own kids in the RL, things are a lot harder.

Where does the fault lie. With you, your partner, daughter? What are the difficulties?

I've just read your other post. Personally it sounds like you shouldn't be in a relationship, you need to concentrate on you and your daughter and sorting that out before bringing someone into this situation.

My ex had an autistic son and one who def has emotional issues for whatever reasons.

This is hard on your partner, I feel for you and for him. Maybe separate living is the answer for the time being. He has his space and you can sort your issues out and he doesn't need to be involved.

I've been there and taken on a shit load of emotional stuff as well as navigating my own, a relationship and my own kids. You need to sort/help your daughter but until then it is unfair to even think of introducing someone into your life. Like me, he might have thought he could handle it, like me, it doesn't sound like he can or wants to any more.

Visit Step Talk and see all the issues step parents have. It's just not pretty. There are good stories out there of course, not to be completely negative.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.
we’ve been together just over 7 years but only lived together for 2 and a 1/2.
my daughter struggled with her father leaving and even took an Over dose at that time , which is a big factor in how I have dealt with her. so her mh has been fragile in the past even before he moved in , but 6 months ago she had a relapse and started having anxiety and panic attacks, so quit her job and hasn’t had enough money to contribute properly which he felt Was an issue.
I know I’m probably 95% responsible in that I’ve enabled the difficult behaviour but she seemed to transition from normal difficult teenage behaviour (dirty cups, lights left on etc etc) into being an adult with the same behaviours without me even noticing. I take responsibility for this and I always said if it had been the other way round it would have been just as difficult for me. He never lived with his own children when they were teenagers so was completely intolerant to any teenage type behaviour. I know she now isnt a teenager and I take responsibility for not dealing with it, he needed to move out for him I know that but I will miss him and I’m also sad. I haven’t lost just him but also his daughter and the little girl I saw as a granddaughter. For today that’s all I can feel. Tomorrow when I get home I need to deal with my daughters behaviours going forwards. Today I just need a hand hold to allow me to be sad.

Hand hold for you

Understand why you are sad, you just want the situation to be different and you love them both

You do need a serious conversation with your dd when you are back, to get her back on track with her life and stop impacting your happiness so much. You cannot stay in this situation for the next few years.

Hopefully a short break where you and dp still see each other but don't live together will give some breathing room and can just be temporary

Ime 3 adults under 1 roof is difficult.. What happens when your dd does get her own place? Will she expect you to be single forever?

jackstini
that was the original plan, that we return to living apart and still seeing each other. Now he’s saying that he can’t ever see a way he can forgive/tolerate my daughter so we will have to split up as it’s not a viable relationship if he can’t have any relationship with my daughter. He says he loves me but it’s better to split than have constant conflict. At the moment he plans to move far away to make it easier for us both to make a fresh start.
he’s put his stuff in storage whilst I’ve been away for the weekend and moved to a hotel he plans to sort out where he wants to live in the coming weeks.
it’s all a big mess.
I can’t see a way forwards either. I know eventually I will need to go NC but there’s financial stuff to sort out first. It’s so hard not being at home and being away but I’m dreading getting home tomorrow to a half empty house. 😢

You need to have a serious chat with your DD - she may have issues but at the moment she's causing you issues going forward and this can't be ok- it's not fair on you at all. If she works she needs to sort a house share out ASAP - my son has been in house shares and a share with just one other since a week before his 18th and he is 24 and has adult diagnosed ADSD - and living independently has been far better for everyone, including him -

I'm not sure you're doing your DD any favours op.

Do you confront or challenge her bad behaviour?

Is she having therapy? On medication?

Do you make sure she has responsibilities around the house like housework?

Hand hold x

How old are you both?

It's quite childish of him to split up with you if he truly loves you because of your daughter's behaviour.

He needs to grow up and learn to deal with the teenage not rarely protesting & challenging behaviour. These days some young children can take time to mature till they are even 25-30 years old. Some never grow up and mature fully.

He is like a teenager himself. Instead of dealing with this stressful situation for him, try to resolve it, and try to find the right/better solution(s) to the problem, he just runs away breaking your heart.

It's not an adult & mature thing to do.

She’s 23, not 13. She shouldn’t be causing problems that effect your life in this way, just like you wouldn’t cause her problems that tail spinned her life.
she wouldn’t get in between a friends relationship and split them up so thinking she can do it to her own mother is not good. She’s supposed to be on your side, your supposed to be on hers, building better lives together not making it more difficult! Sounds like she needs to get a job and grow up, we all have mental health problems these days, it’s not an excuse for poor behaviour though.

If I had to deal with something like this, I would suggest he has a face-to-face meeting with me to discuss things not on the phone but in real life before he makes his final decision.

Would your daughter be prepared to apologize to him?

Is he also guilty of being rude and disrespectful to your daughter and escalating the conflict instead of trying to keep the disagreement under control and staying Respectful at All-time to her even if he disagrees?

Is he under any other stress in life other than this?

I give you a hug and hope it gets resolved in your favour.

.
.
.
I don't think that is a fair assumption at all. His kids, yes, step kids with a mum that doesn't look like she's dealing well with her own kids...No

The mum had to step up too. We have no idea what the situation is like and mums can be overprotective and disabling. Yes the daughter has issues but how severe are they, what is the mum doing to sheiks the partner and how is she dealing with her daughter.

I've been in the situation where I'd just had enough of the mums inability to do something about her kids. The dad lived around the corner and they could have stayed with him for a bit / part of the week if she thought of me, but I didn't seem to matter. Only when she had had enough did she mention it/threaten.

Ouch! matchpoint I came for some hand holding support not cricisms of my parenting or lack of skills!
I am perfectly aware the problem is my handling of my daughter but when you’ve sat in Aand E for hours after your daughter has taken an overdose and there is then zero follow up support for her or you then you’re inclined to be a little protective and avoid dramas and confrontation. As wrong as I can see that was now and I totally understand it from his point of view it doesn’t change the fact that today I’m sad that 7 years is thrown away and I will miss him desperately.
yes of course I wish he had handled it better and I wish he hadn’t just thrown in the towel and walked away but I’m so sad it’s come to this.