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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men behaving as Wendies

9 replies

jisudye · 01/05/2022 20:37

I heard the term "Wendy" on here today.
I think I have been Wendied by a man.
I know I have behaved foolishly so, please be kind to me.
No "You should have known's"
I was a shut-in for about four years due to anxiety and depression, and during that time I got diagnosed with Asperger's.

Ayear ago, an online ex-friend encouraged me to get out and about again, he turned out to be sexually exploitative online so I have no communicated to him. I told him I was sexually inhibited and he invalidated me, anyway, he's gone.

I live within walking distance from town so a coffee shop at my end of town seemed the best place to go.
I bumped into a woman I know who was going to the same place with some others I had lost contact with and she invited me.
There were two men and one woman I did not know, I will cut out some of the irrelevant stuff.

I met the new people and one of them seemed to have things in common with me.
He told me he only liked talking one to one, as well, and put on a front in groups.
He seemed shy and didn't know the rest of the group as well as me.
He told me the online guy was just after sex and should not have asked me about it if he knew I was inhibited.

Anyway, I got a crush on him, we talked on messenger, non sexy, about stuff we are interested in and he understands my social difficulties.
He has drug resistant temporal lobe epilepsy aggravated by stress, and says no one else but his exes and family knows, not even his friend of 35 years, lets cal the friend "E" - he has been on holidays with this friend.
He did an Asperger's test and scored high.

We had a good summer, last year, meeting for coffee, I thought I was getting used to socialising again.

We got together really slowly, we went to the pub and he didn't lay a hand on me.

A few weeks later we weren't again and he planted a lovely thick kipped kiss on my lips and ever so slowly, we got more and more sexual, no sex, just me sending him sexy pictures at his request.

Once he knew he wasn't getting sex, things basically turned sour, he started ignoring me in the group.

He got me nothing for Christmas.

We used to have "Arguments" over text and I felt gaslighted and he used to have seizures after them, so I felt guilty.

We "split up" over Xmas.

A friend from years ago who I dont see asked me to google him and I found he lives with a woman, (naive I know, I didnt want to look a stalker)

One day, outside the Coffee shop there was E, him, and a woman from the group, he offered to buy everyone a coffee but me, and I went mad and said some horrible things which I have since apologised for.

Then I saw one of our other friends, let's call him "J" my ex has got increasingly friendly with him over the autumn and winter and he talked to J obviously ignoring me, not paranoia, talking to him about football, he isn't even interested in football as much as J.

J was not there the day I was excluded when he offered to buy coffees.
J now does not speak to me, shouted at me, refused to explain why he is angry with me.

X just says I pin$$ed him and J off, so am being slandered and I don't know what the slander is and I have lost confidence in meeting new people as I am so naive at 55 and don't want any further abuse as I have had enough in my life.
I stay in bed half the week.

OP posts:
Elfsumflowerpig · 02/05/2022 05:35

It sounds like you've had a lucky escape from him. Can you try to reconnect with someone else in the group you are close to?

vodkaredbullgirl · 02/05/2022 05:49

Lucky escape

Savoretti · 02/05/2022 05:53

The whole group doesn’t sound that nice, and all rather immature. I’d back away and leave them to it

CorsicaDreaming · 02/05/2022 08:07

Could you find new interests and hobbies so you don't feel like spending so much time in bed?

Have you looked at U3A?

www.u3a.org.uk/

SamMil · 02/05/2022 08:11

I think you should break all links with the entire group. Maybe find a new hobby or interest like @CorsicaDreaming has suggested and meet some new, less toxic people.

Myyearmytime · 02/05/2022 12:54

Leave the group behind
Look at volunteering at something that interests you

jisudye · 03/05/2022 01:10

"J" blocked me on Facebook, I don't know why.
To be honest I doubt them all now, like they may know some lie about me that I don't.
I steer clear of that coffee shop altering my route so I don't see J or the ex.

OP posts:
jisudye · 03/05/2022 01:12

Thanks all, I go to an arts group but depression has sapped my confidence and energy and I have other non-relationship overwhelming stressors. I do hope to get out again asap though. Thanks for the u3a link.

OP posts:
jisudye · 03/05/2022 01:16

Sadly the U3A near me has a site that does not work, i don't know if it is defunct.

OP posts:
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