Writing to DH/DP. Does it work? Any tips?

[Jewel1968]

Have you ever resorted to writing to your DH/DP because you could not get any traction with talking? Did it work? Have you any tips on how to frame what you write? What to avoid etc ... Thanks

I've done it a number of times, but sadly it's never had the impact I'd hoped.
Whether we talk about issues or I have written a letter of some kind he seems to make an effort for a few weeks and then reverts back to normal behaviour.

@VJasper86 Thanks. Do you think you wasted your time writing? Would you do it again?

Yes, he ignored it exactly the same as he ignored any of my attempts to talk to him. And I felt utterly desperate and stupid for my pleading little attempt to make him understand, or at least listen to, how I felt. I think if you're feeling you need to resort to writing a letter to communicate with someone then its pretty much game over tbh.

@BreakinbadBreakineven I hear you!

I have most definitely done this, many times in many relationships over the years, as it was the only way to finish a sentence without being interrupted, and to put my thoughts down in a way that could not possibly be misinterpreted. Or so I hoped! turns out it was still ignored, belittled, misinterpreted!

Now finally – hurraaaaaaahhhhh!!! – married to a kind man who understands me perfectly well without me ever having to explain anything, apparently because what I'm saying is obvious and makes perfect sense... I'd say save your ink [cartridges] and find someone who treats your feelings with more respect. It's exhausting to be constantly struggling to explain the basic building blocks of reality to someone who isn't really on the same page.

Yeah this was actually advised by our couples counsellor as my ex claimed he forgot, got distracted, needed time to think and emotional conversations are too hard and he needed to digest and reflect. I often felt ignored or misunderstood by my then husband during discussions. So being naive I followed the advice in good faith.

However now I recognise all the 'confusion' during actual conversations as DARVO. My (narcissistic, emotionally abusive) exH had extremely selective hearing and memory during any kind of conversation (only heard what he wanted to), but after I would pour my heart out in letters/texts/emails whatever, it turned out it was all just another form of communication he ignored, or twisted to suit himself. However it did let me know I wasn't crazy and I definitely did say X Y or Z as it was in the email that was dated, he read and replied to.

I personally wouldn't bother continuing a relationship with anybody I had to write stuff down for again. Now my eyes are opened, if he's not mature enough to have an actual adult conversation and respond in the moment, then he's not the one I want to spend any time with.

I knew someone that did this all the time. Her BF just ignored it.

I thought about doing this with my ex but knew it would be a waste of time. I realized that he is who he is and either I accept him that way or move on and I chose to move on.

however I think if someone wrote me a letter I would try to take it heart and make changes especially if I loved the person

I wouldn't bother again.
I feel stuck in a marriage that j am not sure is right because I shouldn't have to keep finding different ways to explain things or how I feel etc.

I was at the point of emails to try and address issues when a family member said "do you know how screwed up it is, that you can't communicate by talking?".

It's a very bad sign that conflict cannot be resolved by talking directly.

Thanks all. I think the clarity around knowing what you said and didn't say is attractive but I totally understand that if you are at the stage of writing, things are lost....

I think if you need clarity around what you said and didn't say, it's because you are being [wilfully] misunderstood/misrepresented, and you're resorting to a transcript, like in a court of law, to defend yourself. This is not the sign of loving communication...

I've done this once. There was a specific issue that DH couldn't see my point of view on, and didn't see as important. I was finding it very difficult to make my argument clearly and unemotionally. There were so many points that I wanted to get across that I generally forgot some each time the subject was discussed.

I resorted to writing a letter with facts spelt out, bullet points, references etc. I made it clear that my view would not change, but that I wouldn't end the relationship over it. I left the letter for DH when I went away for a weekend (pre-arranged, not a sulk/strop).

When I returned, DH told me that he hadn't properly considered all the points I'd made before. He hadn't realised how important it was to me. He researched and discovered that I was correct on the facts I'd written.

He agreed that i was right and that he'd not been considerate in his dismissal of my arguments in the past.

The disagreement was resolved and We've been very happily married for the 9 years since.

I agree with pp. So not going to repeat what’s already been said.

The only letters that should be written in a relationship are love notes of appreciation. Having an argument in writing rarely goes well between human beings. Look at all of social media and how 99% of the time posters who disagree will descend into snarkiness, then personal attacks, and finally name calling and insults- which MNHQ then intervenes deletes posts, and pleads for sanity.

Now it can help to write down your issues and thoughts for yourself to think things through and determine how best to address an issue with your partner. But addressing the issue itself should be verbally in person, face to face.

If you can’t communicate well, imho the last resort would be couples counselling because the therapist can act as a facilitator both to ensure your partner is engaged and listening but also that you are understanding what the other is trying to say.

'Both sides!'

Belittled and turned into another stick to beat with with. Gaslight, told I just need to talk with him, told I was completely wrong. It was no different then the reaction I got to trying to talk to him.

In the early days of our relationship, DH had got totally the wrong end of the stick over something so I spelt it out in an email and the issue was resolved. (I have yet to lose an email argument with anyone 😁)

Nowadays, if we need to talk, we go for a walk together.

I did when we were at separate universities and only saw each other at the weekend. We had some long term issues that we kept trying to discuss and it was ruining our time together. He's also a very difficult person to argue with as he just doesn't respond. We had a notebook that we took back and forth and gave us both time to consider our responses and meant we just didn't discuss these particular issues in our limited time together. Once we finished uni, the issues we had were no longer relevant and so we got on great again and have now been together 13 years, married 3 years and have 2 kids together so it worked ok for us!

Thanks all. The message I am getting is that sometimes (rarely) it works.

I think if you can't have a conversation face to face the relationship is over.

My exh used to send me ranting emails full of manipulation and gaslighting because I wouldn't put up with that shit face to face.
I rarely read them properly, what was the point?

I have no idea why it took me so long to leave and divorce him. I now only get into relationships with people who want to communicate - not lecture me.

@Overthewine fair point.

I think if you are hoping for clarity your best bet would be to find a different conversation with a different conversationalist.

Forget about the letter except a Dear John one.

Yes I've done this quite a few times with my husband. He can get very defensive and he also has a tendency to pick apart the way I word things and goes off on a tangent focusing on how I say things and not what I'm trying to say. It can be super frustrating! He responds well to written messages - I think it gives me time to carefully word what I want to say and also he has time to digest it and have a think. 9/10 times he doesn't message back, he will just talk to me about it instead. I did this just recently actually. I'd tried to bring up something that had annoyed me and he got very defensive, very quickly. I followed up what i’d said with a message and when I saw him later in the day, he apologised for getting defensive and also for the thing I’d been upset about. So it works for us and I'd say it's worth a try if you haven't tried it.

In my experience, 99% of the letter will be ignored or quickly dismissed, but 1% of it (maybe something you didn't word exactly right, or something you had said slightly differently before) will be jumped on, twisted, and used against you. If he's ignoring your feelings and gaslighting you in conversation, that won't change just because it's written down.