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Original poster

Would you pursue this relationship?

11 replies

JusticeForWanda · 01/05/2022 16:11

Nc’d but my head is very confused so I’d be grateful for opinions.

A long term friend has recently asked me on a date and made it clear he’s very interested. I really enjoy his company, he’s funny. Same age as me, lives about an hour away. Similar interests etc. The catch is he got married last year and divorced six months later (I think they were together about two years all in) because she changed her mind about having children and said she couldn’t decide and it was a deal breaker for him.

I also don’t know if I want children, but if I did it wouldn’t be for a long time. I don’t know whether it’s daft to be thinking about this when we haven’t even arranged the date yet? But also I don’t see the point in going if I know that ultimately I might not be able to contribute to the relationship in the way he’d eventually want.

I should say that I might be over thinking this as I’m a massive commitment phobe. My last serious relationship wasn’t good for me and I’m consequently very proud of my life and my friends and my independence and my career, so I’m wary of relationships that might disrupt any of this - I worked very hard to curate a life that gives me joy everyday after my ex! But I know this isn’t entirely rational and I could be being a control freak (events planner by trade so I have form!)

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Frogium · 01/05/2022 16:18

I would go on the date but would be wary. What made him suddenly interested in you? Did you spend some time together recently? Does he claim he has had feelings for you all this time?

Or is he just trawling through female friends looking for ego stroke and a rebound?

Original poster
JusticeForWanda · 01/05/2022 16:30

@JusticeForWanda we see each other probably a couple of times a month anyway through group activities/nights out/festivals so it’s not that we’ve seen each other more particularly. We all spent new year together and he told my best friend he’d had feelings for a while but swore her to secrecy as he thought he needed a good period of space after splitting up with his ex before considering a new relationship. Said best friend should probably consider a career in spy craft as she didn’t let anything slip!

OP posts:
TragicMuse · 01/05/2022 16:45

"He thought he needed a good period of space"...

So, say he married in January and split up by June/July, he's had at most 9 months. And his feelings started during that time?

Nope. Not long enough. It's all a bit...convenient/nearest single female to my mind.

If it was me I think I'd be giving it a wide berth for now....

Frogium · 01/05/2022 16:53

So if you see him twice a month then you must have known his ex wife as well? And why didn't he pursue you before marrying her? I wouldn't want to be someone's fallback option. I don't know it feels like something doesn't add up, getting married so quickly and divorcing so quickly is strange and I would be wary.

KirstenBlest · 01/05/2022 16:53

I thought you couldn't get divorced if you'd been married less than a year

AcrossthePond55 · 01/05/2022 17:05

I don't think it's daft to be considering the 'child issue' before you've planned the date. Having children and when is one of the most important things to know about someone you may consider a relationship with. Does he know that children are a 'maybe sometime in 5/10/15/never years' for you? Not saying you need to say "hey, by the way...." before you've met for dinner but it IS something that needs to be mentioned 'in passing' early on.

But also, it's highly likely he's either on the rebound, the kind who must be in a relationship, or looking for a shag. Just keep that in mind should you decide you want to see him.

Original poster
JusticeForWanda · 01/05/2022 17:21

TragicMuse · 01/05/2022 16:45

"He thought he needed a good period of space"...

So, say he married in January and split up by June/July, he's had at most 9 months. And his feelings started during that time?

Nope. Not long enough. It's all a bit...convenient/nearest single female to my mind.

If it was me I think I'd be giving it a wide berth for now....

Sorry I haven’t explained this properly. They were together about two years then meant to get married, Covid postponed it by a year, she started to say unsure about kids during lockdown, they went through with the wedding because it was paid for but became apparent quite quickly it was all not going to work out. He does admit himself it’s not ideal and a bit ridiculous and they should have cancelled it and not gone through. I’m definitely not the nearest convenient single female, most of the girls in our group are single and much more overtly maternal than me!

OP posts:
Original poster
JusticeForWanda · 01/05/2022 17:23

AcrossthePond55 · 01/05/2022 17:05

I don't think it's daft to be considering the 'child issue' before you've planned the date. Having children and when is one of the most important things to know about someone you may consider a relationship with. Does he know that children are a 'maybe sometime in 5/10/15/never years' for you? Not saying you need to say "hey, by the way...." before you've met for dinner but it IS something that needs to be mentioned 'in passing' early on.

But also, it's highly likely he's either on the rebound, the kind who must be in a relationship, or looking for a shag. Just keep that in mind should you decide you want to see him.

i haven’t mentioned it because it feels a bit mental to be like ‘oh and before we agree the first date I have serious doubts about whether I want kids and if I do it’s a loooong time away’. But also it doesn’t feel mental when I know it’s important to him?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/05/2022 21:35

JusticeForWanda · 01/05/2022 17:23

i haven’t mentioned it because it feels a bit mental to be like ‘oh and before we agree the first date I have serious doubts about whether I want kids and if I do it’s a loooong time away’. But also it doesn’t feel mental when I know it’s important to him?

Show quote history

That's what I'm getting at, I guess. It's important to him so it's something he should know before he gets emotionally involved so neither of you wastes your time with the other.

Having children has always been paramount to me. My exH led me to believe 'it would happen' only to tell me later that it would NEVER happen. Note he's my EX. So when I got back into the dating pool it was something that I tried to discover early on. When (now) DH and I started dating and I felt myself getting 'involved' I actually asked him point blank "Do you want marriage and children? Because I don't want to waste my time if you don't". I just didn't want to dance around the issue anymore.

It doesn't have to be an interrogative "Are we going to have/Do you want children????", but there are more subtle ways of letting someone know your feelings about having children after a few dates. It can be as subtle as seeing someone with a cute baby and saying how nice it will be to be a mum 'someday' or contrariwise saying simply that you just don't see that for yourself right now/next 10 years/ever.

Honestly, if this is why he left his wife I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't bring it up himself early on. If he feels that strongly, he'd be a fool not to.

seensome · 01/05/2022 21:44

Written down or doesn't sound like he's the one for you, he's wants to settle down and have children, you value your freedom and not sure about children. Unless you want the same things it's going to get messy.

Vikinga · 02/05/2022 05:27

Most women want kids, why does he keep getting attracted to those that don't want them? No point in dating if he's serious about having kids and you're unsure imo. There are plenty of women.

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