DH and I generally have a really solid relationship and he’s a very sweet playful patient father to 18mo DS, but we’ve recently been having fights every couple of months or so. We try not to let it happen in front of DS but he has definitely seen us shout at each other a few times which already makes me feel so sad.
But today was particularly bad and I don’t know how to address it. DH was out last night drinking until late, he was in a good mood when he got into bed and I could tell he’d had a few but didn’t realise how much. It wasn’t until he got up this morning to give DS breakfast that I realised he was still drunk - he gets very stubborn and has a strange way of interacting which is unmistakable.
As soon as I realised I got annoyed, told him how difficulty he was being and took over with DS. Initially he was ok and briefly got into bed again but it made him very angry that I implied he wasn’t in a fit state to look after DS. At this point I’d put DS on my side of the bed while I got dressed. DH got out of bed and tried to move me out of the way so he could pick up DS, I guess to prove he was able to look after him. I told him not to and very firmly stood me ground, but he kept insisting on picking up DS who was now crying. I totally lost my cool and shouted that I didn’t want him to take the baby and very lightly pushed him away from us - not strong enough to physically make him move but I guess I was just losing it and felt trapped. Eventually he reached past me and picked DS up. Obviously I didn’t physically stop him as I didn’t want to scare DS more than he already was. I followed them into the kitchen pleading to have the baby and for him to sleep it off, and kept telling him that he was still drunk and not acting normal (I’m very aware this would have been fanning the flames and not the best way to de-escalate, I wasn’t thinking). Eventually it got to this horrible scene where DS was in his arms crying and reaching out to me, DH refusing to give him to me arguing that he looks after him all the time when I ‘can’t be bothered’, and me almost losing my mind trying to get him to just give me the baby and piss off to bed.
Finally he relented, felt like forever but was probably about 5 minutes of fighting all in. DS was happy eating breakfast but in a weird mood rest of the morning, had a really long early nap and was clingy and a bit fearful at the park. It could be a coincidence but it absolutely breaks my heart to think we made him feel unsafe. I spent the whole morning cuddling, playing and singing to him and telling him how much we both love him but I think he’s really noticed the instability between us now and the only way it’s going to be ok is if he never sees anything like this ever again.
But how can I stop this happening again? How can I talk to DH about this? We’ve already agreed many times not to fight around DS, and he’s acknowledged he can be mean when drunk, but I KNOW that he’ll see this is all my fault - for over reacting, for not letting him pick up his son, for shouting at him and making him feel like an abusive dad.
It’s probably worth saying that I love DH very much and genuinely don’t think he is abusive, I want to work through this with him but right now I feel completely lost. It feels like somethings been broken