Is anyone else's partner like this?

[ButtonMoonMouse]

Not really sure where to begin. With DP 4 years and have toddler DS together. On Thurs morn I became unwell, very flu like, high temp (39.6) joints aching etc. I told DP I was feeling ill and his primary response was "well hurry up and get better, I've stuff to do". I was hurt at his lack of care and I think he knew he'd been an arse as he came up a short while later to see if I needed anything. He watched DS all day Thursday then stayed up drinking Thurs night after DS went to bed.
On Friday I tested positive for covid so he watched DS again on Friday. When he came to bed Friday night he asked could he have a back rub (I was still ill but not awfully so, was in bed reading when he came up) That was fine. Was feeling worse yesterday so stayed in bed. Again , toddler was acting up and DP was getting very stressed. After he put him to bed he stayed up until after 1am drinking. This morning I asked him would he mind if I came in for a cuddle (facing away from him). He made a disgusted noise and said "hell no, I'm trying to avoid catching covid". I was like "fair enough but we've been sharing a bed and you were happy enough to get a massage on Fri." To add, DP never shows affection, it's always me who initiates intimacy and I know suspect he prefers porn to me. I was feeling a bit hurt and told him so and he got very annoyed saying "don't even start making an issue, or I'll make and even bigger one". When I tried to explain how constant rejection made me feel he replied "oh go away downstairs, I'm not listening to this fucking nonsense again" Much of my self esteem comes from the validation of sex/affection which I know is very unhealthy and that's something I need to address (and have sought counselling for). But DP can be so uncaring in general at times. This coupled with frequent rejections of sex/affection really hurts. I obviously can't bring it up again but it's causing me to feel so resentful. Plus his inability to cope with DS for long periods causes me to worry in case I ever become seriously ill. To add we both work, him FT me PT, so im the primary caregiver. Sorry for the ramble I realise there are a few different issues muddled up in there. Basically just looking for solidarity. Advice to ltb isn't constructive at this point in time, but if things continue I will have no other option

It might not be constructive, but it is appropriate.
You have a DP problem. Unless there is radical change from him in who he is, then all you have is ltb.

he sounds delightful
is he always one sided when it comes to affection

I had a friend who had glandular fever and she told me her then bf asked her for a blow job and she did.. when I asked her why as she was ill she said because he has needs.
still don’t get why he couldn’t wait or have a wank if he was that desperate or why she felt she had to do it. Surely seeing your partner is ill is enough reason not to ask

Well, my partner isn't like this because he isn't a total bellend. And, you know, he likes me - and so wants me to be happy. Which means that (for example) even though he isn't really a "cards" person, he still gets and writes thoughtful cards for me, because he knows they make me happy.

And if he didn't want to do something, for some legitimate (to him) reason - like your example of wanting a cuddle - he would say something a lot more considerate than a digusted noise and a "hell no". Again, because he actually likes me and wouldn't want me upset.

There is such a thing as basic compatibility, but also it seems to me many men discussed on MN just don't really seem to give a damn if their partners are happy, whereas the women tend to cook favourite meals/buy nice presents/organise parties/give back rubs because they enjoy making their OH feel good. It makes me sad. I see it in a friend's DH too (and it infuriates me!).

Has he always been this much of a nob head or is it a recent thing?

Thank you both for the replies. @KaraVanPark oh my goodness, your poor friend. That's really sad she felt she was obligated to do it. It is definitely one sided with us, he very rarely gives any type of affection unprompted. As for sex, it's nearly always initiated by me. Quite often he'll turn me down saying he's too tired/busy etc. I know he watches porn though and whilst I appreciate there is less effort in masturbation, it feels like he definitely prefers that to intimacy with me. I honestly think if I took intimacy off the table altogether, he would be relieved. I was bullied a lot in school when I was younger for being ugly. As I hit late teens/early twenties I "grew into my looks" and actually modelled for a while (which i hated as felt like a complete imposter) I still hate photos of myself/looking in the mirror. After I had DS I lost a lot of weight due to medical issues and DP once told me (when pissed) he no longer found me sexually attractive or enjoyed intimacy with me as I was too thin and 'had no arse'. I've now regained the weight, but that comment has never ever left me. To be fair, I did ask him if he found me attractive which is why he came out with that. Since then I've learned to never ask a question I don't want to know the answer to.

Please don't go and get counselling for having basic human needs! ( wanting affection and sex)

He sounds bloody awful. From the porn use (always an issue. Like a drug its always a sign of underlying problems) to the way he talks to you.

Maybe you cant leave now but I'd be making your mind up to do so. This isnt the kind of mindset you can change. Imagine getting old and infirm and living with that kind of treatment.

Ok so you don't want to ltb at the moment but you certainly need to plan how to at some point. It sounds like he doesn't even like you.

@supercali77 thank you for your reply. Although you're absolutely right in saying about sex/affection being a basic human need, I do think I definitely have self esteem issues and overly invest in the idea that sex=worth. Obviously, DP doesn't help matters though with his behaviour. As for porn use, I think unfortunately the vast majority (not all) of men use it to some extent. I agree is an absolute scourge on society though but I, like many other women have been conditioned to "accept" it. I have never liked porn use but I always felt that as long as DP prioritises our sex life over it then I could turn a blind eye. I don't think porn is the main issue here though, I suspect even if he didn't use porn he wouldn't be very affectionate. It certainly doesn't help matters though

@EnterFunnyNameHere, @Northernsoullover at times it certainly feels like he doesn't like me. I'm absolutely not bragging but I am a good partner to him. I always compliment him, show affection, when he's ill I'm at his beck and call, I do the lions share of housework and cooking. He has about 3 nights a week were he sits up getting pissed and then gets a nice lie in the next day whilst I watch DS. Which is why is hurts even more that he doesn't seem to care. To add balance however, there are times were he is extremely kind, thoughtful and loving. He didn't Ince complain about watching DS the past 3 days, but I did sense he w

Sorry posted too soon *did sense hevwas struggling to cope

@ButtonMoonMouse i suspect many of us attach a certain amount of self worth to our desirability in a relationship. Its why we feel sad when rejected.

The way you're phrasing it though, like you have an unhealthy attachment to affection. I dont think so. I think you just need to raise your self esteem. Raise it high enough that you think 'hell yes I seek sex and affection as part of feeling good about myself'. While its crap that our self worth gets a knocking when we get rejected...if we have a high enough esteem for ourselves we know that continually being rejected and spoken to the way you are isn't good enough.

I hope that makes sense.

My DP never watches porn. My previous dp didn't either. I don't have relationships with men who watch porn. Never gonna happen. They do exist!

But@ButtonMoonMouse - the times when he is nice to you should not be a memorable exception to how he normally behaves.

Everyone has blow ups occasionally (although they shouldn't really take that out on a partner!), but it should be the case that those are the memorable rarities against a baseline of niceness/affection/love.

You are presumably a good partner to him because you love him, yes? Because you want to ease his life and for him to be happy? Then why shouldn't you expect that from him too?

To be clear, I'm aware some people do take it too far and martyr themselves, but in my mind a good relationship is only as happy as its saddest participant, so if I'm not helping my DH feel happy and good (and him the same for me) the whole relationship is not working properly

Oh and FFS he should be able to look after HIS DS for a few days without complaining even if you weren't ill - that is not an indication that he is some "above and beyond" hero parent or partner!!

Why are you asking this vile wanker for cuddles? I'm sorry but you need to try and understand that he doesn't even like you.
His behaviour and lack of care towards you tells you this everyday and you keep going back asking for a cuddle! Why?
Because you are hoping that he is going to one-day morph into a nice man who wants sex with you, who shows you spontaneous affectionate, is a patient parent and doesn't have a porn and booze addiction. He isn't ever going to be the man you want and need and prolonging this marriage won't improve things one jot. You will still be in this shitshow 10 years from now if you carry on fantasising that he might ever come good for you. You sound a good and kind person. Why waste your kindness on someone like him?

It doesn’t sound like he likes you, or loves you very much. Ltb isn’t what you want to hear but I don’t know why you would stay with someone who treats you with such contempt

Basically he dismisses and/or invalidates your feelings then becomes aggressive/threatening to stop you persisting. What do you think he meant by 'making a bigger issue'? My partner does this to me over anything he can't be bothered with/doesnt know how to deal with and it is absolutely soul destroying to try to express yourself time and time again to be met with cruelty, aggression and total lack of care. This won't get better.

I’m sorry but your “D”P sounds horrible. You deserve to be treated better OP.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, you have given me food for thought. @BreakinbadBreakineven I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. What do you do when your partner shuts you down? Yes it absolutely is soul destroying, if I have tried to continue the conversation he would have gotten angry and probably shouted. So I knew not to 'push it.' I was feeling very hurt about it all day yesterday but didn't bring it up again. He had a lie on yesterday while I watched DS (I was feeling much better from covid). When he got up he was nice as pie because he was wanting to have a drink yesterday afternoon. Last night he came to bed and gave me a neck rub but then made a remark about how "that's all I'd be getting until you stop sneezing/coughing." Now, I get that he doesn't want to catch covid, but it just seems like an excuse IYKWIM. I sneezed once last night. I'd understand if I was prolifically sneezing with snot flying everywhere, would hardly be a turn on for anyone. I wanted to say it felt like an excuse and ask does he even fancy me but I knew he'd get really annoyed plus it's a bit of a pathetic thing to ask so didn't say anything. Feel very resentful today though. @Zerrin13 I suppose I find it hard to reconcile the current version of him with the one who used to be very kind, considerate, who really did desire me etc. It's like he's a completely different person now. The change started a few months after DS was born. He became very depressed and started drinking heavily. He's been drinking less recently but still far more than he should. He frequently loses his temper with people to the point I dread going out in public with him at times as it can be so embarrassing. @EnterFunnyNameHere thank you for the reply, yes you're right, him being nice should be the norm as opposed to something noteworthy. It did used to be like that, but just seemed to gradually change and I'm wondering now how it's gotten to this.

I usually keep trying to say how I feel then he shouts at me, calls me mental, a cunt, fucking unreasonable etc. I feel like he's basically training me to keep my mouth shut about anything that's bothering me by verbally abusing and scaring me if I speak up. I'm in the process of leaving him because I cant stand the walking on eggshells and fear when I know I need to ask or tell him something, even something small like clearing up after himself. The fact that you are considering whether to raise something thats bothering you for fear of 'pushing it' seems like, like me, you're adapting your behaviour so he doesn't kick off. Do you want to have to do that indefinitely and never have your needs even acknowledged, much less met?