Is this normal or acceptable?

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My DH and I have been married 2.5 years and living together for nearly 3.5.

During arguments my DH has called me 'a horrible, vile, nasty person' and various versions of that. I have asked him to stop attacking me so personally, as I started to feel like he can't really like me much. It feels so personal, his disdain for me. It is now a feeling that has eaten away a little at my own self esteem and I am trying to fix it.

In every day life, we often have different opinions on various things (mostly trivial stuff), but equally bigger things like Covid and politics. I personally don't mind that we don't totally agree, I enjoy hearing a different perspective, even if I don't agree I just don't get all that bothered. He does not share this sentiment though and I get called an idiot, or told that I'm embarrassing myself. If it is not name calling then it will just trigger hostility that will snowball into an argument. It feels to me like he has a need to argue and lash out sometimes.

Another part of this dynamic is that I never feel like I can respond the right way. He DH might ask me a question, or we will just be talking and I'll respond and his response is often 'why would you say that/that's a weird response/that has nothing to do with what I said' and he will seem slightly angered. It happens over anything and everything seemingly.
An example is last night, I was watching a show and he commented negatively on a main character - To which I said 'yes I can see why you're saying that and I do agree actually, but I still really enjoy the show though because of X'. He will then say 'I never said I didn't like the show, what I said has nothing to do with that, why are you saying that at all'. He then gets cross and is distant all evening. It's like if I even slightly change the narrative of the conversation he gets angry, but I always looked at conversation as being a fluid thing. It really makes me wonder if I just don't know how to communicate with people at all.

When I have pointed out what he does, he says he should be able to tell me if I do something which annoys or bothers him and express how he feels. Which I get, but my issue is that it seems to be everything.

I never really know what to say anymore, as it seems anything and everything I say can be wrong. I find myself apologising for my words. Completely inoffensive, harmless words, where I just think I'm trying to share with my husband.

Is this a normal thing? Am I just being overly sensitive?

No, contempt shouldn’t be part of a relationship. It sounds like an effort to shut you up, to stop you being you.

This is verbal abuse and gaslighting.

You need to rethink your relationship with this man.

Do you feel that this relationship is making your life better or worse?

Not good. Nobody whether a man or woman would want to live with a person like this. It is going to grind you into the ground until you get to a point where you don't want to say anything.

No, it’s neither normal nor acceptable.

When did this behaviour start? Has it always been there but intensified - has anything changed since you married? You haven’t been together long really for marriage and he sounds horrible!

Your comment during the conversation sounded perfectly normal/reasonable OP, this is him causing this issue, not you. Either he's an argumentative sort, in which case you need to consider whether that's a trait you can live with, or he's deliberately trying to verbally beat you down and create a climate where you're always 'in the wrong' and apologising constantly, in which case he's abusive and you need to run. Which does it feel like to you?

Your relationship sounds exhausting.

I always looked at conversation as being a fluid thing. It really makes me wonder if I just don't know how to communicate with people at all.

When you start to wonder this, ask yourself if you have problems communicating with other people. Colleagues, friends, family, customers, strangers at the bus stop - has anyone ever told you that you're an idiot for holding a different opinion, or that you're embarrassing yourself?

No, of course they haven't. This is very much a him problem, not a you problem.

Like a PP, I'm interested in whether this behaviour has ramped up since marriage. It sounds like you married quite quickly - do you feel you overlooked this poor behaviour, or is it new?

A husband is supposed to build you up not put you down-especially not for the reason that you dare to disagree with him! LTB before he chips away at your self esteem so much that you think he is all you deserve.

This is him. He's trying to undermine you. It's gaslighting because he's making you doubt your own feelings, thoughts, behaviours and responses. It ultimately destroys your self esteem. I'd seriously consider this relationship because he won't change.

He thinks it's okay to undermine and abuse you rather than support and care for you.

You don't have to stay in a marriage or a relationship that's making you unhappy. It's OK to throw in the towel, especially when the person you married turns out be, or turns into, a moody grumpy miserable contrary insulting nasty bastard.

You can't fix him or change him or stop him being like this. He's choosing to do it and to take you down with him to whatever horrible place he lives in in his mind.

You might benefit from thinking a bit about how it would feel to be free of this terrible set of chains around your neck, crushing your spirit and your life. Imagine never having to worry again what he thinks or says, or what mood he's in, or having to watch what you say and do. Freedom!

Not normal, not acceptable & certainly not desirable.

id be lining up the ducks & getting a good solicitor.

don't put yourself through a lifetime of this shit.

He is projecting, he is the 'horrible, vile, nasty person' not you. I'm sorry but he has held back this side of himself and you are only just seeing the real him now. This behaviour will escalate and destroy your self esteem and confidence. If he were willing to admit he has a problem and commit to counselling both on his own and together you might have a chance. But I strongly suspect he will not even admit there is something wrong with his behaviour let alone attempt to fix it. Don't waste your life with someone who will drag you down.

It sounds to me that he is a very nasty, selfish, narcissistic individual. He only wants to have a conversation about his very narrow topic and you are not allowed to expand on it or have your own opinion. He seems to think that you should be an extension of him and not your own person. Leave him and please please please, never have a child with him.

It’s him. You are perfectly normal and reasonable. Has he always been like this? If so, how did you end up married?!

If you have no children honestly leave. This is toxic.

Yes, I've been there. You seem to no longer like each other, it happens. Events over the past few years, as you mention, can cause irreparable rifts.

They bring up fundamental differences in outlook on the world and I suspect oftentimes they lead to smaller things becoming unbearable too.

He's eternally irritated by you it seems.

Good grief, of course it’s not normal. And it’s him not you. Don’t doubt yourself.

Run for the hills m'dear. You're dating an abuser.

No OP, it's NOT normal behaviour at all.

It's nasty, bullying and vindictive behaviour from someone who should be loving and caring. Where is the love and care in ANYTHING you've said about what he's said to you ?

He's gradually chipping away at your confidence and sense of 'reality', and that NEVER ends up 'happily ever after'.

You have no issues having conversations with anyone else in your life e.g friends, family, colleagues, strangers etc, so why would HE be the only one if it were true ??

What he says is NOT true, and never has been, it's simply HIM trying to make YOU feel small/insignificant/inferior/stupid/thoughtless/ignorant etc, but is NOT true.

What an awful person your DH is. Kick him into touch unless you want to be miserable, with no self-esteem and constantly walking on eggshells for the rest of your life.

No, this is not a normal thing, and the end result will be that you are scared to say/do anything you think he won’t like, and it doesn’t get better either. The logical antidote would be just to think fuck him and say/do whatever you want and shrug off his belittling and name-calling, but firstly, why would you want to live in an environment where somebody belittles you and calls you names? And secondly, his responses will escalate when you don’t acquiesced to him. It’ll go from being nasty to being angry, and you don’t want to be on the other end of that.

it’s a respect thing, and the fact he doesn’t have any respect for you.

Dump him OP-- I've been married 26 years to someone who was marvellous and now is exactly like this last few years