Friend accused by her ex of parental alienation

[QuebecBagnet]

asking for a good friend. She is seeing a solicitor but not until next week and is beside herself.

her ex is a total controlling twat. He has the 2 kids alternate weekends and one day in the week. Kids are 13 and 10. Ex is horrible to them, belittles them, etc especially the older one, won’t let them go to their activities or friends parties, etc on “his “ weekends but spends all his time on the computer and ignores the kids.

13yo has said he no longer wants to go and has refused to see him for 3 weeks now. My friend is careful not to talk badly of him to the kids even though the kids come back and say to her “dad says you’re mental, etc”.

ex has served some sort of court papers on my friend today which she needs to respond to. Claiming my friend has alienated her Dd against him. Surely at 13yo he has a right to say he doesn’t want to see his dad? Is there anything she needs to do.

I believe at 13 there wishes are taken into account does she have evidence that he refuses the child social activities on his weekend? Any evidence of his abuse at all?

He's throwing his weight around and she really needs to not panic

The views of a 13 year old are likely to be given considerable weight but its not a slam dunk.

Tell her to tell her solicitor to keep repeating that he must show evidence of a previously positive relationship with his child - otherwise the state of their relationship is the state of their relationship.

I think the only evidence of emotional abuse/refusing to let the kids do stuff would be what the kids say. I’ll ask her if she has any emails but I think generally she tries not to engage with him.

school have rung my friend up to say the 13yo is very clear and consistent in their message that they don’t want to see their dad and that’s their decision.

My son was interviewed at school by a court welfare officer and his view was given in court

he doesn’t see his dad

Would the clubs/ activities have a record of attendance?

If the non-attendance days align with the Ex's weekends it corroborates what the children are saying.

Your friend needs to focus on the fact that anyone can say anything - it doesn’t mean it’s true.

The court will make its decision based on the evidence presented. If the reason DS does not want to go to dads is because dad won’t take them to activities or parties then getting evidence of that would be the first step. Can she put together a list of events that he refused to take them too. Her solicitor can advise how to get that evidence before the court.

The children will also be interviewed. She needs to be careful about talking to them about this. Again her solicitor can guide her.

💐 for your friend. Dickheads like this don’t deserve their kidsj

My ds went nc with his df at 12. And we had a court order more in exh's favour. Never heard a peep out of him. Not even a text my way!!

It’s not necessarily what a child say, but how they say it, where they put the emphasis, how they evade questions they don’t want to answer because it’s “unsafe” territory and other flags their response raises.

One way or another these are children who have at least one parent attempting alienation. Because a completely baseless accusation of “other parent is stopping me from seeing my kids!” is alienating behaviour in itself. Painting the former spouse as “the bad parent” and oneself as “the good parent” when it is patently not true, with the kids stuck in the middle of a court case as collateral damage, is attempted alienation in its own right.

The children need somebody, who is not emotionally invested in either of the parents, in their corner. Above all they need one of their parents to stand up and tell the truth, the whole truth without careful omissions, no “best possible light”. Because kids generally do know what is real, at the very least in a secret place they have locked away under all the “act and say what you want me be/say” surface. And it is such a relief when at least one of the grown ups joins in with reality. Because then you know who really can trust and feel secure with.

I understand entirely why your friend has to fight for her reputation in the face of his accusations. Particularly if her ex. is acting like his children are the best bullets to stick in his gun and fire them at her to wound and distress in vengeance.

But somebody has to be entirely in the kids’ corner taking care of their needs and wounds while this is going on and keeping both of their parents busy and focused on the legal side. Because it takes SO MUCH time, effort, emotion and headspace to deal with the legal side and all its potential ramifications. It’s can get very “bunny in the headlights” because it’s time sensitive. Which can mean that unless the children are showing extreme distress their emotional well-being can fall between the cracks. Children can seem resilient, but in fact just be masking effectively until they feel safe enough to show how much it all hurts.