Struggling with an overbearing dad

[Liverpoolgirl50]

I need some help or advice.. my dad unfortunately has narcissistic tendencies, and since splitting with my mum a few months ago has taken to badgering me every single day (he very much used to do this to her). I get daily texts and phone calls (even when we have nothing left to talk about), and when I text to say ‘sorry I’m at work, I will call you tonight/tomorrow’ he just tries again later until I pick up.

I try and give him the attention he needs, but I feel like I’m falling short. I’m 7 months pregnant, working full time and doing a part time degree and feel exhausted, but don’t know how to tell him to back off without hurting his feelings as I don’t have siblings so he has nobody else.

I worry that when the baby arrives I’ll have even less time, and then I won’t have any choice but to reduce contact with him.. he says he can’t wait til she’s here, and how he’s going to be very present and a part of her life but I am anxious he’s going to be here every day. My OH thinks I’m being over dramatic, and I know I should feel lucky to still have my dad here but I feel suffocated.

Any advice?

You need to advocate for you, you are not a passive bystander to your life. Having a narc parent is not ‘lucky’, it’s a burden, you don’t need to indulge him.

go on the Stately Homes thread and learn techniques on putting boundaries in place.
I used to feel responsible for my trash mother who’s a covert narcissist, but now have limited contact and do grey rock with her. Any of her shit starts up=I leave. Life is bliss now.

Sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. I experienced very similar with my Dad a few years back, and sought therapy to deal with it.

What helped was reading a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and enforcing boundaries. You are not responsible for him, and if his feelings get hurt because you're not available 24/7, that is on him, not you.

You could perhaps say something like 'I'm beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed with the amount of contact you're expecting from me. I enjoy spending time with/talking to you, but I can't commit to more than (insert boundary here). I hope you understand.'

When the baby arrives, you will have to be firm with what is acceptable to you from the outset. It will feel awkward & horrible at first but it will get easier.

You can do it. Good luck!

You need to set boundaries - for yourself.

Only answer the phone when it suits you.

Ask for a little space when you need it. And take it. He can sulk or throw a strop if he likes but don't give into it. Just take the space and let him.pout.

You set boundaries for yourself when it comes to contact with a narcissist. Not for them.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy

Secondly, please go on to youtube and look up Doctor Ramani.

She is a wonderful highly acclaimed professional American psychologist who is an extraordinary expert in helping people who are so deeply affected by these people with narcissistic personality disorder and narc tendencies, and most importantly how best to deal with them.

She also gives an incredible insight as to why they do what they do, and help you heal and protect yourself.

She does daily videos. There is advice on exactly what to do/say and extremely important - the what not to do & say that would only make things a million times worse. She gives you the tools to do your best to navigate the way. She is warm and funny as well. It is like actually seeing a real therapist who literally is saving lives with her help. She is so dedicated and has hundreds of thousands of followers.

Something she advises is to read the comments on each video you watch, as there are the real people who have expected what you have and more, they word it in a way that relates 100%, and is so validating and they’re so loving and supportive. You learn a lot from the comment section too.

I am so sorry you are dealing with a narc parent on your own. Especially with all that you’re dealing with currently, and with your husband dismissing your feelings.

Maybe even let your husband watch ones you feel are the most relevant to you, let him see the comments to see countless others are affected in a devastating way. Hopefully he will see things from an enlightened perspective and support you more on that front, so you are a team and not all alone in this.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth, and with your Dad.

I have to add her videos are short unlike my post sorry

Great advice above.

Your father is abusive and a bully, whether you realise it or not.

There is nothing lucky about having a narcissistic father who smothers you,
one who is solely focused on having his needs met.

You have a baby arriving soon and he is TELLING you that he is going to fill his time with your family.

Your mother has gotten away and you are being used by him as a substitute.

He will ruin this precious time with your new baby if you do not lay down some VERY firm boundaries NOW.

Expect blow back, dramatics, fury as you try to enforce boundaries.

I think it is concerning that your husband is dismissing your concerns.

You need protecting from your father, don't underestimate the grief he will bring to your future family if you don't.

Please start watching those highly rated videos to help support you.

Perhaps some therapy would be helpful for additional support too.

Yes op keep your boundaries firm. My mother is like that has texted people that they didnt get back to her. Nightmare... Good advice on here.

Thank you everyone - this has been so, so helpful.

Unfortunately on the weekend things turned very sour between my mum and dad and ended in me having to go to my mums house on Saturday and pick her up off the floor as she was too drunk to stand and put her to bed whilst my husband was at work.

Safe to say, my OH has stopped calling me over dramatic (thankfully we’ve been together for 10 years so he’s not totally shocked by their behaviour!) and I’ve told both of my parents in no uncertain terms that I am distancing myself from both of them until they can get their act together, and prove it, for the sake of my growing family.

I don’t think I’d have been brave enough to do that without the advice on here.. so genuinely thank you.

Now to ignore that niggling guilty feeling in the back of my head and stay strong!

You should not have gone around to pick up your drunken mother from the floor. This is enabling behaviour and only gives you a false sense of control. Please totally now disengage from the two of them.

Deal with any and all FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) you have through therapy.
Leave your parents to it, they are both trapped in a dysfunctional codependent dance around each other's orbit. They have both failed you as your parents abjectly. DO read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point.

Keep both of them away from your child going forward. If they are too toxic. batshit or otherwise too difficult for YOU to deal with its the same deal for your child also.

It is also NOT possible to have a relationship with a narcissist nor his all too willing enabler.

💐💪

Undoubtedly recent events were upsetting, but well done you for using the opportunity to speak up firmly.

Stay strong and do not reply to any contact.

Beware of your parents using others (flying monkeys) to contact you and try to guilt you, or suddenly having a health scare.....

Your parents, particularly your father, have chosen their paths.

These don't have to be yours.

Don't allow them to poison your future and ruin your joy in your growing family.....because they will, if allowed to.

There is nothing as sad as looking back on the years your babies were tiny and knowing that, this brief, precious time was spoiled by those that are close family, by their demands, selfishness and tantrums.

Take this time away from them.

No contact, no calls.
Just space and peace, try peace and quiet on,...... and see how it fits.

Your whole life has been an accommodation of your parents and THEIR drama.

Savour this peace.