Which option is best?

[CheeseOnToasty]

I’m 6 months pregnant and don’t know whether to leave DP. He’s not a bad man but he’s pretty much always at work. I’m an idiot for not thinking about this before we TTC but it’s dawning on me that the reality is he will leave at 7am and be back at 8pm, sometimes working weekends even. FWIW I was told we wild ‘almost certainly’ never get pregnant so it wasn’t a reality we had properly considered I don’t think.

I have a little bit of my own stability, I have a mortgaged home that I could move back to and be closer to family, in the days I could then see a friend while on maternity for example or call in on my parents. DP is saying he wants me to stay with him in his rented place. He earns more than me and says he will continue to cover all rent and that if there’s childcare costs he will meet them. I’ve suggested various other arrangements like he visits in the week when he can and at weekends…just because I don’t want to feel stranded with him in a place I don’t know too well. We’ve been here a couple of years but mostly through covid and I’ve never liked it much here to be honest.

I do love him but knowing what the reality will be like with his job I am massively questioning the longevity of the relationship unless he changes his attitude. Even getting him to go on holiday is a project in itself and obviously that can’t happen with a child. I don’t know whether to be firm and say I’m moving back, I need stability and a proper home, and that he’s welcome to participate as and when he wants. I’m exhausted and hormonal and maybe I am not appreciating what he is offering. Im going to be on my own today until 9:30 as he’s finishing late and this is just what it’s like for him, he picks up extra work and is massively focussed on it all. My family say he will change his priorities but I don’t want to count on that! I would move and still be open minded about the relationship but I guess overall I would be worse off as I’d be buying day to day food, financing the whole other property etc. I’m confused.

What are his thoughts on the subject?

@Watchkeys he doesn’t want us to be apart, says that shouldn’t be an option and that he will ‘try’ to make sure he can leave work earlier. I just can’t shake the feeling of isolation. I don’t know this place well at all, my long term friends are nowhere near. I would only really have him.

I just can’t shake the feeling of isolation. I don’t know this place well at all, my long term friends are nowhere near. I would only really have him

And how does he feel about this?

@Watchkeys he just says lots of people live away from friends and family in these circumstances and he doesn’t want to compromise his job in any way. Ie by moving or trying to relocate.

Why does he work such long hours?

OK. So he's minimising your feelings and concerns in order that he can do what he wants, then. He's comfortable putting your feelings to one side and making you feel like you're a bit unusual for having them.

Is this the way you want to be treated? Do you really think that you should be being more appreciative of 'what he's offering'? A dismissal of your worries?

How far apart are the options? Is it close enough he could realistically pop over in the week? (if he manages to finish at a reasonable time!). If you rent can you move somewhere more half way between his work and you family/friends?

How come you have to compromise on where you live but he can't compromise on work hours?

@pinkyredrose he always has, he works in a law firm and is under loads of pressure managing a team. It’s a really specific area of law so not easy to move from but obviously he could change slightly as there’s a lot of law firms about.

@Watchkeys I do find it upsetting, yes. He just seems to think that if he’s paying for somewhere then that’s that, why would I be concerned. I have my own home and income though…but there is obviously a vulnerability for me in that I will be on maternity and pay will be reduced after some months.

@Redfloweryellowflower he just repeats that we have been here ‘for years’ which we have but mostly through covid! Neither of us expected to get pregnant this fast if at all and probably naively hadn’t really considered the logistics. I also couldn’t have anticipated how I would feel…in principle I might have said it would be fine here but now it’s happened I am so daunted by it. I feel stranded which probably sounds dramatic.

He refuses to consider moving further out as he says he can’t ‘dash in and out’ of the office. A lot of his work is high pressures and he has to attend hearings at short notice so I do have some sympathy but at the same time I just do not feel I can do this while he spends the majority of his time at work and I have nobody around me/no familiarity

I imagine it doesn't make the worry of isolation feel any better, if he's making you feel like you're a bit strange (ie on your own) in being worried in the first place.

Someone needs to start putting your feelings first: You. Which outcome would make you feel most secure? (Other than the outcome involving him changing?)

@Watchkeys I guess it’s hard to know because many friends have warned me that being without him could actually be worse, especially at first. There’s also the finances to consider and whilst I could manage it’s obviously easier with him. I did think about going along with his idea and then leaving and going back to my house if it all got too much.

It just feels like it’s his job, that’s it. Nothing else matters.

Think about how you want to raise your child. What example do you want them to have of adult relationships? 'I'm with your father because although he doesn't really care about how I feel, he's got money.' Or, 'Your father and I split up because I wanted my feelings respected and your father disrespected them.'

You should have a chat with the 'doctors partner' you seem to have an awful lot in common 👀

Is he a surgeon by any chance?

Maternity leave is an isolating experience for many women and the days can feel long caring for a baby however lived and wanted. You know instinctively where you want your nest and that's where you should go. It's a shame you didn't think about this before as it underlines the bigger question about whether the relationship is right for you. He's not listening and only thinking about what he wants - not what his family needs.