How do abusers know the script?

[chaiformeplease]

I’ve just left an abusive relationship. When I told him it was over he sobbed, then threatened to kill himself. Then said he’d take the kids, and told everyone I was the abuser not him. Promised to get help but then lied to the therapist. And finally rented a really horrible flat.

I didn’t fully accept he was an abuser until I read about him on nearly every page in “Why does he do that?”, and in nearly every chapter in the Freedom programme.

It was shocking to see all of his behaviours laid out like that. But why do they all follow this script so closely, is Lundy Bancroft’s evil twin running night classes?

I sound flippant but I’m not, I’m sad and devastated and disgusted at what he has done…but I am curious as to why the pattern is so strong.

Any ideas?

Someone asked the same recently about cheaters following a script...but they are saying things that cheaters would naturally say to get what they want or to wriggle out of things. It's not a script. They are not coming out with obscure random things. They are saying the exact things that people would say in that situation, that's why it seems like there's a script.

As for that book, she named lots of different types of abusers.
They generally end up that way due to their own personality, their own past issues, trauma, personality disorders etc...

For any abusive man he could see women in a number of ways, hates them, obsessively controlling and afraid to lose them, needs to put them down to feel better about himself etc...there's only really a few ways so abusive men will feel a certain way...and their language and behaviour will follow that.

Likewise each abusive man will have his own communication style based on again personality, trauma, disorders etc...so if he's one of the aggressive argumentative types he's likely to say similar to what the other aggressive argumentative types say...or he could be a gaslighter...and all gaslighters tend to say the same thing, because they are motivated by the same things, to stop their partner finding out the truth or to drive her mad.

So they say the same things because of what they are motivated by.

Think about it.

If you love someone and want to make someone feel loved you know what to say and do to make a person feel loved, it's just natural.
If you are an abuser and you're afraid of losing control of your partner then you would know exactly what to say to hurt them and assert control.
People are not that difficult really.
Think about your family and friends. I bet if you really wanted to hurt them you could think of something really hurtful to say to them now. Like telling someone they were fat and ugly or that they were a terrible parent. You wouldn't want to of course!
But an abusive man would, because he knows it gives him power....and if you were motivated by the same desire to hurt, control or harm then those words, 'the script' would come easily to you too.

Well done for leaving him btw ❤

The rest of us have very clear patterns, too. We just don't analyse them because they're not pathological. But 'expected behaviours' are obvious by the fact that we can easily distinguish when someone does something a bit strange. Mostly, we all have a script, which is based around the 'I want a calm, respectful life' ethos. Abusers have a different ethos ('I want what I want/I want power'), so they have a different script, but none of us are without one.