Husband always thinks he’s right

[Itjustgetsbetter]

How do I approach my husband whose attitude always seems to be that he’s right or that he knows best?

Married 15 years with kids (two have special needs). Whilst I was initially attracted to my husband’s confidence it is starting to feel like he thinks he knows best. From how to load the dishwasher to whether we keep an internal door locked. These are all minor in the grand scheme of things but I’m starting to feel my opinion doesn’t count or that he thinks his opinion is superior to mine. He’s very difficult to raise things with as he either gets cross or refuses to talk about certain things (example we need to fix a low wall which is crumbling and we need to think about what to do) and he will say I’m getting at him. He’s very defensive and I’m very careful about what and how I say things to him. I am reluctant to go over his head and just sort things as I’m unsure how he’d take it. He’s the main earner. Agreed by us both I took time out when the kids were younger as they couldn’t access lengthily periods in nursery or school. Now settled I work a very low paid job full time job that fits in around the kids getting home from school and the holidays. So I cover all childcare and do 95% of the other household chores.

I suppose what I’m asking is how do I get him to take my opinion into account? There has been occasions where he has but we’ve been up against a deadline and he hasn’t bothered to decide what he wants to do.

He’s can in general be quite defensive and difficult to talk to.

You should never be fearful or hesitant to express your opinion with your husband. You are equal partners in this marriage. Your opinion is equally valid and you should be listened to and respected. The fact you don't feel you, and that you are nervous of raising it, shows this is an unhealthy dynamic. He thinks he is superior, his opinion matters more. And he has 'trained' you not to question him by ignoring you or being defensive and arguementative when you do.

You are right to question this. You should not accept it. It's not right, it isn't a healthy environment for you or for your children. Your marriage isn't modelling good behaviours to them, and that may affect their decisions l later in life.

Are you able to access some counselling to help you work your way through this and decide what to do next? (I mean counselling on your own, not couples counselling).

Sorry for my typos!

Have you asked him how he likes to be approached.

So for example when you say you asked him about how best to approach the crumbling wall situation and his response was you were getting at him - what was it that made it feel that way and how would he want to be approached about the crumbling wall? Is it timing, language, tone, implication etc. By him telling you what works for him, then it is harder to disagree with when you use it.

When it comes to dishwashers - that seems to have a lot of viewpoints! There are often posts where women are annoyed their husbands load it wrong so I think the idea that there is a right or wrong way to do some things is ingrained for some people!

Where do you think it comes from. Is there a rigidity generlly in his thinking? Some people are very analytical and generally think in a very linear manner where there aren't a lot of right solutions. They just can't really see alternatives and will argue or disagree with things that don't make sense to them. This is very different from someone who is controlling or needs to always be right due to dynamics.

I think part of it comes from childhood. He was raised in a one parent family after his family died and his mum elevated his position to surrogate husband. Even when she was moving in with her partner she was asking my husband is that was the right thing to do.

The last time we talked about the wall it me saying, how do we think we should approach it as it’s on the verge of falling down and could be dangerous. Which is when he said I was getting at him. He’s either defensive or he makes no moves to do anything about an issue and buries his head in the sand. He can’t seem to move forward and away from what he thinks should be done or in some cases he does nothing. But he openly admits he likes a debate. He works in quite a controlled environment with numbers so things are usually black and white.

Good idea, I’ll ask him how he would prefer I approach in. I have said before to him that even when we’re having a civil conversation he’ll shut me down.

I have considered counselling. I think a lot of my issues come from my mum who if we didn’t agree she would freeze me out and ignore me. I’m very aware of watching what I say to my mum as she’s quite difficult. I know in most cases women marry men who are like their fathers, in my cases I’ve married one like my mother. I’m aware it isn’t very healthy especially as one of my children is convinced their dad doesn’t like them because he’s impatient with him (he has autism and my husband isn’t very patient).

It's one thing to think your ideas are the best, it's a whole different ball game to be comfortable mistreating someone because of it. That's the issue. Marriage counselling isn't a good idea with a partner who controls the communication like this. You could both do with therapy separately. You could do with exploring why you are able to tolerate such unfair treatment from the person who is supposed to treat you better than anyone else in your life.

So you do the housework but you're not allowed to have an opinion on things?

I'd be looking at changing my own approach to being treated like this, and leaving this disrespectful partner behind. Why he does what he does is irrelevant. Every behaviour he exhibits, he chooses to exhibit. He's a responsible adult.

Its not you, its him. And it seems you have my husband. Wont do anything but won't let me do anything either esp if it costs money. He says why pay someone when he can do it, but then suddenly has no time to do it.

Right now, after 20 years, the house is ruined. Either the jobs are bodged by him or not done at all and got worse (ie leaks). We still have wallpaper and carpets from the previous owner that were falling apart 25yrs ago. But he hasn't had the time to deal with it...

Don't be me. Get out while you can.