Why is it that of all the people we meet in a lifetime only a few become special to us?

[WoodenClock]

Either romantically or as friends?

For example, all my working life (30+ years) I have worked in very small close teams, where you work in quite high stress environments with one or two other people. The same people everyday until one leaves their job, so you get to know each other quite well. Because of the industry, most of my "partners" have been men.

In all that time, I've worked with people, who on the whole have been good decent people, professional, supportive, good company. I've only ever had one I really didn't like and even then, once you got to know him he wasn't that bad.

Whilst we had good working relationships and even had fun at work sometimes, they never became friends outside of work and there was never any hint of romance/anything sexual.....except for one.

Over a period of 4 years we developed a close friendship, saw each other outside work, spent time with our families and t almost certainly became an emotional affair and very nearly became physical. At that point we put a stop to it all, which was really hard.

Looking back I can't see why he was different to any of the others. He wasn't particularly attractive, he was "nice" and funny, but not more so than many others. I don't think he set out to target me or to have an affair and I certainly didn't. In fact the only thing I can see that was a bit different was that he was a really committed family man, maybe I let my guard down, feeling safe with him. So why did this "happen" with him and none of the other people I met?

Similarly with friendships. I've belonged to a running club for nearly 20 years. Over that time I've met a lot of people and made some really good friends, but really only a handful of the 100s of people who've passed through the club have become good friends rather than club mates iyswim. Why is that and why them (or me for them?)

It’s an interesting question, I always think out of 100 people you may meet 1 who you click with so well it’s got a chance to be a good friendship. I can think of a good specific example. Over 30 years ago in my first proper job I got on especially well with two women, it was overall a very nice workplace anyway. I’m still in touch with one, we FaceTimed yesterday. Her and I share some ideas that are contentious, our friendship reached a point where we were comfortable enough to share the difficult stuff.

Because we're all such finely tuned individuals. It's a very delicate balance of lots of variables. Very few people meet our needs and wants instinctively. The difference between one person we get on with and another person we don't can be practically indiscernable. Lots of it is to do with chemicals we're not even aware are there.

So it is all basically chemistry?

Think I read about a study somewhere that people are wired to want/need a certain number of close friends - so after all the "slots" are filled, so to speak, we don't really seek to bond so strongly with anyone else (or, if we do, we lose one to gain one).

I can see this a bit in my past - there'a a certain "type" of close friend I've always had and when I've lost one through, say moving somewhere else, I've made a similar friend in the new place.