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Original poster

Selfish?!

27 replies

PumpkinsandKittens · 28/04/2022 18:40

I’m a single parent, I’ve been on my own for 5 years now, for certain reasons I am unable to date so I’ve been on my own completely in that time, today I was reading a post on another group where someone was asking if it’s selfish not to date when you have children as it’s not giving them the opportunity to have a proper normal family life and not allowing anyone else into their lives?! I always through it was the opposite of selfish but now it’s bugged me that I’m not giving my children the opportunity to have a “proper” family? I’ve never heard anyone say this before, is it selfish?

OP posts:
MatchPoint100 · 28/04/2022 22:17

Nope it's not. I'm done with relationships in the conventional sense, not doing the same thing over and over.

Just give your kids your attention, your love and do as much and be there as much as you can.

As long as you are happy and they are happy, they won't even think about it as much as you are worrying about it.

frozendaisy · 28/04/2022 22:21

No

DatingDinosaur · 28/04/2022 22:24

No it’s not selfish. It’s setting a good example to your children that you know your own mind and won’t be hoodwinked into doing something that doesn’t feel right for you at the moment.

That is a far better life lesson to teach them than the one where you put up with a relationship, any relationship, even an unsatisfactory or abusive one, just because somebody else's perceived societal norm is two parents and 2.4 children. And a dog.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/04/2022 22:24

No.
This is the generation of women waking up.
Unless men start seriously stepping up, I'm not sure a 'normal family as in man, wife, dc' will be normal much longer.

scoobydoo1971 · 28/04/2022 22:25

Relax, I am sure you give your children a safe and stable family life. By contrast, I can think of some single parents I know who have had enough hook-ups, FWB, boyfriends, live-in partners and so on to fill a soap opera. I have wondered why they cannot just remain single until they find someone wholly compatible. They seem blind to the impact on their children of having various romantic suitors coming and going. They always seem in a rush to make the relationship a proper partnership, and I have pondered if this is because they are desperate not to be a 'broken' family. It has, without exception, ended in tears as to rush to make it work has dulled the red flags other people can see. Personally, I kept my occasional dating away from my children during their younger years, and I even keep my current boyfriend out of the house as home is my kids space. Single parenthood is a tough gig. Your energy is rightly swallowed up by children and their needs. It is hard to make time for other stuff, like dating, and wading through the dross trying to find Prince Charming. You give your children a 'proper' family right now, and without the drama of various extra people being paraded in front of your children as step-father figures, or your latest muse. That is a brave but wise, dignified choice. It role models a strong independent woman to your kids. Dating isn't always a great experience as this board shows time and time again.

MatchPoint100 · 28/04/2022 22:28

@arethereanyleftatall Not nitpicking but I think you are right but I think both sexes feel the same. I know I do. I never want to live with a woman again. I want a relationship, companionship but living together, no thank you. I've got my kids now and both are in double figures (10&12)

It's not for me. Teach your kids financial independence at all costs.

Divorce is up and up and I think it's because women have more independence as do men. It's not working folks and it is and will change, relationships that is.

BestDove · 28/04/2022 22:38

Having experienced a MIL who has been single for 38 years, yes I think it's selfish.

I'm sure she thought that she was doing her best by my DH by not focusing on dating, but actually it's had quite a negative impact on him IMO.

He's an only child who has had no experience of growing up with family (compounded by not having any aunts/uncles/cousins etc) roundabouts. Holidays were always just him and his mum. She's now fairly intolerable (and intolerant) having lived alone for such a long time.

I also think that she's become older before her time, which wasn't helped when she retired in her mid 50's, despite having insufficient hobbies or pension savings to fill her time.

I know it comes down to individual personality, but I think we'd all be in a better place if she'd dated and found a partner. It would be a much nicer dynamic had companionship. I just find her too intense in terms of the attention she commands (DH left home as soon as he could). I really wish that MIL had built a life for herself when she was younger. She was very attractive when I first met her. Now she complains about everyone and everything. She's bitter I think. It doesn't make for nice company, I dread her visits!

Original poster
PumpkinsandKittens · 29/04/2022 11:17

BestDove · 28/04/2022 22:38

Having experienced a MIL who has been single for 38 years, yes I think it's selfish.

I'm sure she thought that she was doing her best by my DH by not focusing on dating, but actually it's had quite a negative impact on him IMO.

He's an only child who has had no experience of growing up with family (compounded by not having any aunts/uncles/cousins etc) roundabouts. Holidays were always just him and his mum. She's now fairly intolerable (and intolerant) having lived alone for such a long time.

I also think that she's become older before her time, which wasn't helped when she retired in her mid 50's, despite having insufficient hobbies or pension savings to fill her time.

I know it comes down to individual personality, but I think we'd all be in a better place if she'd dated and found a partner. It would be a much nicer dynamic had companionship. I just find her too intense in terms of the attention she commands (DH left home as soon as he could). I really wish that MIL had built a life for herself when she was younger. She was very attractive when I first met her. Now she complains about everyone and everything. She's bitter I think. It doesn't make for nice company, I dread her visits!

That’s interesting! My mum has been single for about 20 years now but she’s the complete opposite and I barely hear from her, she seems very disinterested in my life! In fact I wish she was a bit more interested. I have 4 children so I’m not sure if that’s different than just having one child and it just being the two of you.

OP posts:
layladomino · 29/04/2022 12:15

I don't think having a relationship is in itself selfish or unselfish. Ditto being single.

You can have a relationship that is good and healthy and a good experience for your children. And children need to see good healthy relationships modelled. That isn't to say you should partner up with someone if you don't want to, just for your child of course.

Original poster
PumpkinsandKittens · 29/04/2022 12:34

I’m unable to date so it’s not possible, it just didn’t occur to me that this could be selfish...

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 29/04/2022 12:37

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Dating? How dare you. You’re automatically putting someone else before your child and putting your child in danger by giving them a stepparent.

Not dating? How dare you. You’re raising your child without a “proper family” and not showing them how to have a relationship.

Single mums can’t do anything right.

Personally, I have no interest in dating again.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/04/2022 12:47

@BestDove
That's nothing to do with being single though, that's MIL's personality.

EBearhug · 29/04/2022 12:50

You could do loads if dating and not end up with someone you want to introduce your chosen to. Life just doesn't always go that way - and it would be better to have your children grow up seeing you being successfully single than in a bad relationship because of what everyone else thinks.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2022 13:10

This is just mum shaming at it's finest. There will be people trying to convince you that both are selfish.

Nostrings457 · 29/04/2022 13:17

no, that’s utterly ridiculous. You do you

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 17:47

Doing what you want isn't selfish.

Doing only what you want is selfish.

Doing what works best for you is a good example to your kids.

Oopsiedaisyy · 29/04/2022 18:06

My ex husband went straight into a new relationship and she has children and is involved with mine, so on that side they have that. I haven't, I'm dating for fun and no intention of anything full on really

Toponeniceone · 29/04/2022 18:14

It's not selfish and I have no comment on your personal situation, but when my dad died I would have loved a father figure. If me and dh split up I could not see myself living with another man.

Original poster
PumpkinsandKittens · 29/04/2022 18:20

Toponeniceone · 29/04/2022 18:14

It's not selfish and I have no comment on your personal situation, but when my dad died I would have loved a father figure. If me and dh split up I could not see myself living with another man.

Yes it’s a tough one as I think my kids would like a father figure of course but life doesn’t work like that unfortunately as even if I did date nothing is to say I would meet a man willing to take on my 4 children, and bring them up, I think it would be very difficult to find someone willing to do that even the single mums I know that date the men aren’t father figures to the children and don’t live with them or bring them up, and the relationships are pretty casual and the kids see them more as “mums friend” than a father figure

OP posts:
Toponeniceon · 29/04/2022 18:23

Exactly. My dm found a partner who wants nothing to do with us (we are adults) and dm just follows his lead, so we all miss out.

chisanunian · 29/04/2022 18:27

Mumoblue · 29/04/2022 12:37

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Dating? How dare you. You’re automatically putting someone else before your child and putting your child in danger by giving them a stepparent.

Not dating? How dare you. You’re raising your child without a “proper family” and not showing them how to have a relationship.

Single mums can’t do anything right.

Personally, I have no interest in dating again.

Yes, this just about sums it up perfectly.

StopGo · 29/04/2022 18:30

PumpkinsandKittens · 29/04/2022 12:34

I’m unable to date so it’s not possible, it just didn’t occur to me that this could be selfish...

Why can't you date? Religious, cultural or pension restrictions?

ChiselandBits · 29/04/2022 18:31

I agree with the pp who said the "model" will change. I am a SP after ex went off and married ow. They "blended" right from the off and are v v lucky that it has (so far) worked ok. I have been with a partner for 6 years but many would say we are not "partners". We don't and won't live together. He is not around the kids much, tends to come over after they are in bed. rarely stays when they are here. But when they are with their dad, we can play house, go away for nice weekends / holidays. Have the occasional night out using babysitters and that suits me fine. He doesn't want to step parent, I don't really like the slightly awkward dynamic when he is around them and am happy to keep it all separate. I'm modelling (I hope) independence and the freedom to call the shots plus the importance of being able to maintain your own home and not being enmeshed in a poor relationship by practical issues.

Original poster
PumpkinsandKittens · 29/04/2022 18:37

StopGo · 29/04/2022 18:30

Why can't you date? Religious, cultural or pension restrictions?

Show quote history

I’m a lone parent with no family support so I can’t physically date as I don’t have any time away from my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinsandKittens · 29/04/2022 18:39

ChiselandBits · 29/04/2022 18:31

I agree with the pp who said the "model" will change. I am a SP after ex went off and married ow. They "blended" right from the off and are v v lucky that it has (so far) worked ok. I have been with a partner for 6 years but many would say we are not "partners". We don't and won't live together. He is not around the kids much, tends to come over after they are in bed. rarely stays when they are here. But when they are with their dad, we can play house, go away for nice weekends / holidays. Have the occasional night out using babysitters and that suits me fine. He doesn't want to step parent, I don't really like the slightly awkward dynamic when he is around them and am happy to keep it all separate. I'm modelling (I hope) independence and the freedom to call the shots plus the importance of being able to maintain your own home and not being enmeshed in a poor relationship by practical issues.

Yes this is what I mean, the single mums I know have a similar situation where they do date but their partners aren’t father figures or step dads and have little involvement with the children and don’t raise them.

OP posts: