He Should Be With Someone Else

[LaylaLovesSteven]

Can’t stop thinking thoughts like this concerning my BF of 2 and a half years.
He’s a year younger than me, his ExW was several years younger and he adored her.
Lately I’ve had a few health issues and am struggling with my mental health - all of which make me feel very much unattractive with little to offer my BF.
I feel like he would be much better off with someone else - when he chats to other people, he seems far more animated than he does with me, and I feel so insecure that if I don’t pre-empt things and tell him to go and find someone better, that I’ll end up being cheated on as I have in the past when my mental health was poor and ‘became a drag’. WWYD?

Have you spoken to him about him, completely honestly? Do you think he's the type to cheat on you? If not, he'll likely be very offended that you think so poorly of him. You're going through a rough time. Most people have them at some point. You may feel better laying it all out and telling him you would understand if he wanted to leave, but you expect total honesty from him. If he assures you that he's with you because he wants to be, then the best thing you can do is take him at his word, as you could be creating more problems in your head.

If his actions don't match his words then tell him that... but be careful that you aren't seeing things that aren't there, because you are feeling insecure.

I know it's really hard when you get in an insecure spiral. You imagine things are worse than they are, which can push people away. Which you notice so feel worse.....

I wish you all the best.

Why would it be any better if he left as opposed opposed cheating?

Realistically you might tell yourself this will hurt you less, but it won't. Because you've kicked yourself while your down if you do it.

Losing someone who you love hurts. But what about self love? Because once that is gone...that's when you are truly lost.

Telling someone you are unattractive and they shouldn't stay with you is far more unnattractive than pretty much anything else that could be going on with you.

Perhaps you should be single. But not for him, for you. Because either you aren't in thr right headspace to be with someone right now OR they aren't the right person to help you feel secure in yourself.

It'd never a partners role to 'fix' you. But some partners can make us feel worse about ourselves (eg: does he bring up his ex a lot?).

You need to decide if you need to be single and do the self work or not. For you. Not for him. Or, if you want to stop beating yourself up and can rely on him to be there for you whilst you gey better.

See your gp about these thoughts. It may be some depression or anxiety medication could help. Or that you would just benefit from having some cognitive therapy.

Id say though...Trust that someone who is with you is with you because they want to be.
As for being more animated, it's normal to be more energetic in short bursts, around ppl you haven't seen in a while. Most people are not full of beans all the time.

*while you're down

But the ExW is an ex. So just as you think he adored her it still wasn't enough was it. So perhaps he isn't the god you seem to be making him. That he could go out and have a better partner.

We all feel insecure from time to time that's normal but you seem so concerned about him, his thoughts, who he could be with.

Try some self-love. Read something inspiring. Soak in a bath. Restore. It's spring go and find some bluebells take some amazing photos and just accept if "god him" wants or would be better off with someone else that is eventually what will happen. Or perhaps you would be better off with someone else, someone who doesn't make you think you are dragging them down.

Layla, be kind to yourself, stop imagining that you are unattractive and your boyfriend would be happier with someone else. I'm pretty sure he's with you because he wants to be.
As PP have said, I would see your GP to be referred for CBT, which has worked wonders for a friend of mine, who is like a totally different person and feels the best she ever has. It seems to be magic, I might try it for myself but seriously I'm sure it would help you.
Meanwhile, look after yourself, go to the hairdressers get some blonde streaks in, or a different style. Look after your skin, exfoliate masks and moisturiser will make a big difference, buy a lovely bath foam and light a couple of candles, play some relaxing music and luxuriate in the bath.
Go for a walk in the woods, sit and watch nature all around, listen to the birds, see the sun dappling through the leaves.
Force a smile on your face, force an upbeat persona and suddenly you will feel better.

Fake it till you make it!!

And what is he doing or saying to reassure you? It's easy to jump to the conclusion that insecurity is our own fault, we need to work on ourselves etc. But sometimes it arises because the other person is making us insecure, either because they are genuinely disinterested, or deliberately to keep the upper hand.
What would a relationship need to look like for you to believe your partner loved and valued you and thought he was lucky to have you? Does yours look like this?

I can relate to your fears and wondered if you had ever considered therapy. My low self-esteem turned out to be issues relating to my childhood and being able to address those core wounds has brought a lot of healing and happiness back into my life.