I’ve recently come off anti depressants and my self hatred over past relationships is returning

[MaisyInTheDark]

Ive been on anti depressants on and off for about 20 years. I first used them when a long term/long distance relationship failed in my early thirties. My life goal had always been to have a family, and I began to panic - feeling I was failing, not going to achieve this.
I fell in with a group who used drugs, partied excessively. Up until this point - I’d always stuck with the rules. However I went off the rails. I met someone else at this time, and fell hard for him - to the point of obsession. He didn’t want a relationship with me as I was a few years older than him. But we had a very, very intense couple of years of on/off/dumping/arguments/seeing other people and having a lot of sex.
It was causing me a lot of upset, and I finally met my current DP - who is decent - and has supported me through IVF - we now have two beautiful children.
But the intense man has never gone away. I have obstructive thoughts about him, he contacts me intermittently, he moved to a nearby town a few years ago.

I feel like I’ve betrayed my partner by having the obtrusive thoughts and intermittent contact. I hate that I feel like I’ve been dishonest. I want the feelings to just go away. I don’t understand why I have them.

It might be a good idea to access some CBT type of therapy as the intense man relationship sounds like it’s created a trauma bond between you and him. I would not be surprised at all if the relationship was toxic and borderline abusive from how you say it has affected and continues to affect you.

Also, do not hate yourself. The fact you were on drugs/off the rails so not exactly your fully conscious and aware self at the time surely means it was a different you then from the you now. You’ve overcome a horrendous situation, got your life back on track and accomplished so much. I think it’s really admirable and therapy will help you to process the past and look to your lovely present and bright future.

Can you tell your partner? If so, what do you think he'd say/what has he said? If not, what is it that stops you/what do you fear?

The problem with anti depressants is they don’t solve the initial underlying problem, they just numb the effects. Sounds like you’ve had a very tough time but the mistakes of the past need to stay there - in the past. Excellent idea re counselling as that’s what you need. Please do get help, don’t risk ruining the lovely life you have now. Some toxic guys have the power to draw us back to them like moths to a flame. I get that. I was with a narcissistic monster for years before managing to get free of it, partly due to doing what was The Freedom Programme run by a domestic violence group.

The feelings of shame around the intermittent thoughts will only increase their insistence. So, try to bring some compassion to yourself. You've recently come off long term medication and you had a traumatic relationship that you've maybe never properly processed.

You're obviously wise enough to realise this person isn't desirable or healthy for you. But it sounds like something else is in there, questions? Why did you fall into it? Did you have a difficult childhood relationship with mother/father? Counselling sounds like it would be really beneficial.

Wow. Thank you for your empathy and good advice. I wasn’t quite sure what kind of responses I’d receive.

Yes @Discovereads. I think I’ll make an appointment with my GP tomorrow. I thought I’d got to a good place - and I can’t understand why the tears and feelings that I’m a bad person have returned.

It possibly was toxic, but I think I might be the toxic one. In my pursuit to have children I feel like I’ve been utterly selfish and caused upset to others. In my long distance relationship - I ended it but I know he is ok now.

The man I have obtrusive thoughts about. We were horribly competitive. We met at a time when I went off the rails, and I think there was a lot of goading - I took his initial rejection as a ‘she’s not good enough’, and then took delight in proving him wrong. I think at some point the tables turned - and as I gradually began to get my life back on track, he started to lose his way. And I feel guilty. I know he’s tried to build a life, but he’s lost the confidence he had. I really loved him and I feel I need closure - or to know he is ok.

And then my partner. Again - I feel I’ve controlled, and pushed to achieve an end goal, while pining over a past live.

@Watchkeys it would be difficult to discuss with my partner. We are practical - and we live more like siblings. Very little romantic connection between us, but there is love and a sense of working together for the children.

@Birdy78 that’s interesting that you mention narcissism, and the toxicity. Because yes, I think those traits were there. He wanted to be dominant, and I’ve not experienced that in any relationship
before - or felt that I wanted to ‘allow’ that to happen.

@supercali77 yes - I think there could definitely be links to my childhood. In recent years/from having my own children - I can see how controlling my mum was, to an excessive degree. My Dad was usually fairly quiet, but would suddenly explode with anger when she got too much.

Thank you everybody - it’s prompted me to phone GP tomorrow. Perhaps I’m at a place now where I can discuss all these things in therapy, with a view to staying off the AD’s.

Wishing you the very best of luck 🌹

Wishing you the very best of luck 🌹

You are not responsible for another adult's feelings or choices.

Block your exes and enjoy your young family.

EMDR therapy is very very effective at resolving issues rooted in the past. Saved me from severe depression which no longer responded to meds.