"Choosing" to leave an abusive relationship

[uncertainalice]

I was just struggling to do something in the garden (that my abusive XH used to do) and my neighbour saw me and said "well you did choose to be on your own so you'll just have to work it out" 😡

I responded in no uncertain terms that I did not "choose" anything, that I had no choice but to ask him to leave, and she said I had misunderstood what she meant.

Grrrrrr!

Oh OP that's infuriating. My mum has said this to me a few times since I left my abusive husband. Grr indeed. Especially when she knows what I went through. She often says well you chose to be alone.. erm.. I chose to be married actually. Just didn't realise what an abusive sod he was at the time!!

What a horrible thing for her to say.

She was really nasty! You didn't choose to be single. Nobody chooses to be married either - they get lucky in finding someone suitable who also wants to marry them.

All adults should be able to manage a home and a job, regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not (health conditions excepting). So everyone should be able to put up a simple shelf, mow grass, clean effectively, change a car tyre if they drive, unblock a sink, iron clothes, cook.... etc. Anything else is learned helplessness. Especially now everything is Google-able.

However, I bet your neighbour can't do all these things either. Otherwise she would have offered to show you surely?! Or she's a bitch...

Is she an older woman?

If so file it in the, we stay together, marriage vows and all that crap, you have to work on it.

Either way, if she/he knew, it's a crappy thing to say.

She is the one with issues not you. Perhaps you being on your own and empowered has triggered her.

thanks everyone, it really upset me as she knows (most of) what has gone on...I thought she understood but clearly she doesn't, so I won't be so quick to take her into my confidence in future...

onwards and upwards though, I am perfectly capable of most of what I need to do, just a bit out of the habit of some of it (and not as strong as I used to be!)

Is she an older woman?

Oh do give over. You probably think I'm fit for the crypt but I'd never say anything like that.

It's not about age. Some of the most insidious misogyny visible today comes from some younger women as well as those who are older than them.

The issue of course is shitty man who the OP had to divest herself of in the first place.

@SpindleInTheWind Chill out. It's not okay either way but older people think you should honour their vows no matter what.

Geeez & if you respond in a horrible way, I'll just ignore you.

I get this a lot from my mother. She's has heard exactly the vile details of the abuse over 20 years, yet post-divorce, when I'm sometimes exhausted and still coming to terms with the new life, I get the "well, you did want this' tome...ughhh...It does upset me but then I remember it comes from even more years of misogynistic conditioning. I can't help how she thinks but I'm learning to ignore it.

She might not have meant any harm. It might have been a clumsy way of saying, When you have the guts to go it alone, you have to take the rough with the smooth, but you can do it!

Only you can tell what spirit it was intended in