Feeling suffocated by opinions

[Lostthewayxyz]

I started therapy this week. My therapist told me the man I just split up from was sounding narcissistic and possible signs of an underlying personality disorder.

She then listened to my list of what had happened and told me I was a victim of domestic abuse and had several types. She told me why my head was a mess. Why I stayed.

I struggled throughout the relationship with the highs and lows. On egg shells and aware the relationship wasn't reaching its full potential. I knew deep down it wasn't going to work long term but I still held onto hope that he'd change.

Telling my family made me extremely uncomfortable. They are often judging me. I don't particularly enjoy spending time with my parents as they have grumbled for 3 years about my daughter being silent and too shy to talk. She's now 7 and chats happily. But now they complain about my 4 year old son being rude and cheeky and testing the boundaries. I feel like both my children have barely spent time with them and I've had to leave a few times lately as my dad's fuse is ready to blow at my youngest. He's yelled at him before but it hasn't helped.

My mum told me today she bets it was him that caused them all to feel I was avoiding them for the last 18 months. In all fairness I find going to see them boring and can't relax so I have no interest in doing so. I wish they had more patience.

In terms of this abuse it is something I've suffered intense emotions with for 18 months. They've known for 5 minutes and their opinions and presumptions I can just stay away from him now and not understanding that just because I've stopped the relationship I'm still broken inside.

I feel so completely lost right now and I just want them to leave me alone. I like seeing my friends again but I cant handle them taking it as an opportunity to judge me for the last 18 months. My sister has suggested I need to visit more so my son starts behaving. They are blaming me for my parents having little patience with a pre schooler getting frustrated or acting Shy.

I don't know if it's just me but I feel like everyone is dismissing stuff. My mum showed no interest in my relationship she referred to him as my friend up town. She never asked me how the relationship was and she didn't respond to me if I mentioning him. They had no idea what he was like and they never cared to ask.

Just needing to write things down

Can I check I’ve understood? The therapist helped you to see this week that your previous relationship was abusive, you told your family and friends about it this week and now you’re feeling suffocated by their opinions?

It sounds like you are used to your feelings being dismissed and minimised by your family. When you need them most to support you and help you with the trauma you have suffered they aren't able to listen or be there for you in the way you need. The complaining about your children is self absorbed and unkind.

Well done for getting into therapy. Stick with it. A good therapist is trained to really listen to you, to react with empathy and to validate your feelings. You won't get this from family or friends who will naturally bring their own 'opinions' and projections to the table. Not helpful to you. 💐

It's also perfectly acceptable to protect yourself and heal from your experience. Your family's grumbling and criticism is pretty irrelevant. Drown out the noise and concentrate on you.

Often people see what’s going on from the outside better than you can from within. But they know how difficult it is to point it out to you. They may have tried to talk to you but you were closed to any criticism of your relationship.
My DSis was married to an alcoholic narcissist but plodded on thinking it would get better when he stopped drinking which he constantly promised he would. When she finally threw him out we all sighed with relief and all of her friends admitted they knew about his drinking but felt unable to criticise. She just didn’t think it was so obvious to everyone else. It dawned on her afterwards just how toxic her relationship.
It can be very difficult to see what’s in front of you, but when family and friends withdraw it’s usually a sin something isn’t right.