Introducing DCs to BF but ExH won't be happy

[DragonFlowers4]

Lots of backstory to this as you can imagine
The short story is that exh left me nearly 3 years ago after 10 years of marriage for another woman.
We've got 2 DCs together (now 7 and 9)

When a this first happened we agreed all these rules to try and co-parent the DCs and one of those was that we wouldn't introduce a new partner to the DCs till we had been with them for 6 months and we would warn the other parent before we did this.

He then introduced our DCs to the OW without notifying me and I don't know how long they were dating because he's always been vague about the start of there relationship.

He maintained that this doesn't count because he told the DCs she was his friend and its not his fault the eldest saw them kissing later on in the day and knew what was going on. He and OW are very on and off and are currently off as far as I know.

So to now. I've been dating DP for over 6 months. We were friends for a year before that through work.

Last month exh found out I was dating BF and sent me a load of messages saying he thought it was inappropriate cause I met Bf through work and I'd better not intro him to the DCs anytime soon. I told him it was none of his business and I hadn't introduced the DCS to anyone yet. He continued to message throughout the week asking if the kids already knew bf and how I was supposed to mention it to him first.
He also found bf on Facebook and told him to stay away from me and the DCs and told him how awful I was. Bf only replied once to tell him he had nothing to worry about but Ex just sent worse messages and bf ended up blocking him.

But I knew I had to tell the DCs something cause ex is the sort of person to "accidentally" mention something to them.
So I told the DCs I had a new bf that they weren't going to meet him yet but I saw him sometimes when they aren't with me.
They had lots of questions initially the youngest isn't really interested but the eldest often asks when they can meet bf and what is he like.

I'm thinking of introducing the DCs to bf on Monday. Bf is keen to meet them (though happy to wait as long as I want)
I will obviously talk to the DCs beforehand and see how they feel about it. I was planning on something low stress like the cinema so they will have a quick introduction, do something fun together and then goodbyes.

But exh will kick off when he finds out. I will tell him before the he next sees the DCs but I'm worried its going to cause loafs of trouble and he'll just kick off and whine and I'll have no way of stopping him. I can't block him cause I still need to contact him about the DCs but I also don't want another week of him messaging all the time.

I suppose I just have to suck it up as the price to pay for introducing everyone but its annoying cause I should be focusing on the DCs and how they will feel and instead I'm think about ex and what he's going to do.

Apologies that's so long I don't really have anyone in real life I can talk too.

You owe him no explanation or courtesy.
Good luck with the meetings!! When my dc met dh they wanted him around a lot!!
Been nearly 10 years now.

Thank you, hopefully it will go well. Bf is really nice and really wants to make a good impression. I'm just going to take it slow and see how it goes.

I know I don't owe ex anything but he really won't see it that way and is guaranteed to try and cause problems

Devise a boring grey rock message you can keep sending x

Eg I talked to the dc, they know about x and asked to meet him. It went well.

And just keep pasting it to him. Only answer other child issues

If he's going to kick off I wouldn't tell him before he sees the DC incase he upsets them and puts into their head they shouldn't meet him.

You've done everything barring telling him the actual date. HE broke your agreement and has proved to be very difficult. I'd worry only about DC feelings round this at the moment. No matter what you do it sounds like he'll cause problems so I'd let the DC meet him without all that hanging over them.

Your ex is obviously controlling and has difficulty managing his emotions but now that he's your ex, your personal life is none of his business so his opinion of it is nothing more than noise.

I can understand why you tried to make an agreement about introducing new partners but as your ex clearly has different standards for you and himself and didn't bother to stick to the agreement (and likely won't in future if he changes partners), I'd regard it as being irrelevant three years on.

You seem sensible and considerate of your children's needs, so just think about what's truly best for them and then let your ex whine all he likes.

I don't know if you remember the old Charlie Brown cartoons on TV, but whenever adults were talking, it was so distant and muffled that you couldn't understand a word. When your ex kicks off about your boyfriend, imagine him as an adult in the Charlie Brown cartoon, so distant and muffled that you can't hear a thing he's saying.

Just repeat calm boundary statements like, "I understand you don't like it but I'm comfortable with my choice to introduce my boyfriend at this point." "We've been separated for a long time now and I think it's best we let go of trying to have a say over each other's personal lives" "I've heard what you have to say and it doesn't change my position so I don't need to hear any more." "If you're going to continue to disrespect my right to make decisions about my own life, I'm going to hang up." "I'm hanging up now, goodbye." Ignore text messages, they're not a court summons so you're not required to respond.

Absolutely none of his business. Especially bearing in mind why you broke up and how soon he introduced his “friend” to them. As someone else said don’t make him aware until after it’s happened in case he tries to stir things in advance. Has he always been this controlling or just since you split up?

I was planning on telling ex after the DCS have met bf but before they see him for next contact.
Ex wasn't always this controlling in the last 3 years its like he has had a complete personality transplant. He used to be king and thoughtful and he never would have treated me the way he does now.

He's actually better and much less controlling when he is with the OW.

How about ‘you lost the moral high ground when you fucked someone else and broke our family’

but @forrestgreen message is probably better

This and every time he whinges, just send him the same message ‘You broke the rule you made for us, I did not. It’s none of your business’.

Don’t even reply. Unless it’s about something operational to do with the kids don’t even reply. When the kids are with you put him on mute. This is none of his business.

You’ve stuck to the rules you made, let’s face it, he’s just not going to be happy whenever you do let dc meet bf, I’m glad your bf blocked him. If he starts getting nasty, just say you will only respond to messages regarding childcare in the future. I hope the meet up goes well, you deserve to be in a happy relationship.

You really don't have to tell him anything. It's none of his business.
Mute his messages and look at them once a day so you don't have to put up with him.

This

You don't owe the ex any explanation, you have given him a heads up which is more than he gave you.
What trouble can he cause?
Send shitty texts? Ignore them.
He just doesn't want you to move on.
Introduce the DC and ignore the ex, don't read and especially don't reply to any messages.
Good luck op

You don't owe your ex anything. I wouldn't tell him a thing. The kids may or may not mention it but it's not your problem if the ex doesn't like it.