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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Maintaining closeness when BF has no sex drive.

13 replies

anewwayforward · 27/04/2022 20:44

My BF and I have been together for 2 years. We used to have an incredibly good sex life, but over the last 6 months he has had very high blood pressure and has been put on meds to control it. He has completely lost his sex drive, something which we talked about in depth a few days ago. My question is for anyone who has experience with this - how do you maintain closeness and intimacy when it is missing? I have a really high sex drive and I've never navigated a relationship where sex isn't the glue. He is a wonderful partner before anyone says to LTB!

OP posts:

Badger1970 · 27/04/2022 20:53

Is he prepared to talk to the GP about it? ED is pretty common on certain BP medications but there's an awful lot of options and it may be as simple as changing it.

As someone in a sexless marriage due to medical issues, I think I'd say that while initially it didn't bother me, as time as gone on...... it shreds your self esteem. And is very lonely. I didn't realise that my sex life would be over in my 40s.

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/04/2022 20:56

Yes I think he needs to speak to his doctor about it. I'm only 38, the thought of it being like this for years would destroy me. I am so worried about his bp that the thought of him being well is so lovely but I don't know how to cope if this is permanent.

Badger1970 · 27/04/2022 21:23

Hmm it's tough. I'm always grateful that DH is on the meds he's taking as it keeps his cardiac condition stable (waiting for surgery). But I also get a bit resentful that it's his lack of self care that's led to this situation in the first place ..........

It's good for you to talk about it to him though, I regret not having more of a voice in the beginning when we could have kept some basic level of intimacy.

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/04/2022 22:45

It did take a fair bit of courage really @Badger1970 - not because he is difficult to
Talk too in anyway but I think we had both just limped along pretending things were okay. We still have sexual contact occasionally but we both have really high sex drives and it was getting really noticeable that it had changed. He is very open and I think it was a big relief to us both to admit it just wasn't there for him at the moment. Now I feel I can actually say that I'm feeling in the mood, but the last thing in the world I want is for him to have sex just because he feels like he should.

Original poster

anewwayforward · 28/04/2022 09:04

I feel like crap today. I think the initial relief of it being in the open and takes about has gone and now I'm left with feeling heartbroken and a huge sense of what feels like grief. I feel rejected, which I know isn't the case, but I can't help feeling it anyway.

OP posts:

Badger1970 · 28/04/2022 09:31

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

I'd really push him to go back to the GP.

Clymene · 28/04/2022 09:33

He needs to go back to the GP

Original poster

anewwayforward · 28/04/2022 10:56

He is going to the gp. Problem is his BP is still sky high (sitting at around180/110) and they are trying to find the meds to bring it down which is obviously the priority, for him and me. I'm terrified he's going to have a stroke or heart attack, sex is a secondary concern.

OP posts:

Badger1970 · 28/04/2022 12:10

Has he had his blood sugars checked? My BP rocketed and wouldn't come down - then they discovered I was type 2 diabetic through routine bloods. Treatment then went hand in hand. It could also explain the ED he's getting?

Original poster

anewwayforward · 28/04/2022 12:30

Yes his bloods are fine. I'm desperate for them to find out why he has it - it's been going on since before Christmas. He is overweight but that never affected sex drive before and I can pinpoint the decline to the exact start of the meds. I'm so worried he is going to have a stroke or heart attack.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 28/04/2022 17:09

There are so many types of medications that can be used to bring down BP, sometimes in combination as they have different modes of action. It can take time to work out what's best for him.
The cause is a combination of genetics and lifestyle. As you say he's overweight, there are obviously things he could do himself to help too. Now he should have more incentive than ever to start a healthier diet and lifestyle. This could be something you could both get into together, it will help you out in the long run too and help him stave off type 2 diabetes that he could well be heading for in the future. If you can embrace changes together, do active stuff together -walking holidays maybe? Meal plan together. This could well keep you closer together which is a win/win all round. Being fitter can only help the libido too rather than purely relying on meds to bring down the BP, which as you know can have side effects.
I'd say its time you embrace a few changes together.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/04/2022 17:21

I think general affection can be as good for closeness as sex, holding hands, cuddling on the couch etc

Original poster

anewwayforward · 28/04/2022 18:30

Thanks guys. Some good points raised and it's a comfort to think there are positive actions I can do here.

OP posts:

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