Nervous about the next steps

[VJasper86]

I am really nervous, scared, I'm not really sure what the right words are.

I have posted before about having difficulties in my marriage, I don't feel like dh takes anywhere near 50% of the load when it comes to childcare, housework, running the home.
I've spent years trying to explain to him how difficult it is for me and covid pushed us to our limit.

We have a young son and for the past year it has felt like I was sole parent as I was always the one on the floor playing etc while he sat on his phone.
He has a better relationship with our 8 year old but she seems to be getting hormonal so they clash and I've told him it might be wise to get some knowledge ready for it all, but he won't have.

Anyway, I start counselling in a few weeks as I think I need to work through a lot of things as I have had anxiety and depression on and off for around 15 years. I have had therapy of sorts before but I think I wasn't prepared to go into the depths for fear of what it might reveal.

I've suggested marriage counselling, but he wasn't keen so I am going solo. He said he would if he had to, but he isn't bringing any other suggestions to the table right now so I find it frustrating that he doesn't want to do it to sort our issues. I guess it should be nice that he would do it for me if I told/asked him to, but I want him to want to do something to save us, if that makes sense.

So, as the counselling is getting closer, I am starting to freak out a bit. It was due to be this week just gone, but covid appeared and I've isolated inside, but now it's getting closer again I'm really nervous that I am going to realise that I have checked out of my marriage and there just isn't the willingness there to save it.
I feel I'm the one who always puts in the work, he buries his head in the sand.
To top it off, I don't think I would ever have the courage to end it, I could never break someone's heart.

We are clearly in a mess as since getting covid he took 4hrs to ask if I was OK (when covid has been a source of my anxiety for 2 years), he hasn't really asked how I'm doing each day, and I've still done my share of childcare and housework even though I haven't been anywhere near full strength.
He slept on the sofa for safety and its been lovely having a bed to myself, but I've not really feel like he's looked after me or stepped in to make sure I do as little as is possible.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is other than to share how I feel with people and wondering if others came out of counselling with some form of self discovery and what you did about it, what impact did it have on your life.
And also, how many people just don't leave, even if the relationship is failing, and they know it is, how many just suck it up because they made a commitment and are too bloody "nice" about other people's feelings that they couldnt hurt someone else.

Take it from me. If you're unhappy and feel unheard and nothing is changing, prepare for a future of this.

Hardest thing I did was leave wand had two young kids. 8 months later finally in a much better place. I realise I was carrying a huge emotional load but I was always told I was the selfish one and the one with all the problems.

Life is tooooooo short to be miserable. Search deep down about how you feel and what you want, not his job to make you happy, it's yours.

@MatchPoint100 thats nice to hear.
I think part of me hopes that my counselling provides different answers, but also think deep inside I rever got over him cheating almost a decade ago and all the little things that make it feel like he really doesn't care enough to want to try to work things out.
I wish I'd had the courage to walk out at the time, but with a young child I didn't and it felt like I was actually the one putting the effort in to fix us then.
I would have never had my son if I'd have left though so it feels awful the idea of thinking that I maybe I should've made a different choice as it was worth it to have him.
I guess like everyone I don't want to end up alone, what if its me who is the issue and I live a life of solitude because I self destruct relationships or something.
He is the only person I have ever dated and only started seeing him when I was 20 as men were never interested.

Counselling might help you be a stronger person. You will learn the cheesy line.

'You can't fix the other person, you can only fix you.'

This is true. You can't get him to do what you want or be what you want. You can only do the things that are good for you. Leaving, more than probably in the long run might be better.

There are so many people out there stuck in miserable situations because they are stuck. Maybe women try harder for the kids than men/stick around. But I don't think being miserable is good for kids.

I stayed well overdue because of various reasons, in the long run it wasn't good for anyone.