cant get over past things

[elli3]

when me and dh first got together he could sometimes treat me badly. i wouldnt of said it was abuse at the time but i think after reading things like mumsnet, it probably was. he hurt me a few times, and he made sure he was my number 1 priority and he would pressure me to sleep with him sometimes or do things i didnt want to do or that hurt me. he would lie about things a lot and get into really weird moods and it was horrible to be around. i got up some courage to speak to him about certain things, i didnt call him abusive but just addressed some things and things have got a lot better. he doesnt pressure me to have sex with him anymore but it means we never do now, i just cant stand the thought of it. he wants to start trying for a baby and id love to be a mum but i feel like even though hes better with me now and doesnt do the horrible things anymore, its a bit like i cant get over it all. im always trying to think if i should stay with him or not or if we should have a baby or not. i really want one and one minute i think we should then the next i dont. and when it comes down to having to do it, i feel sick at the thought of it although if i push myself to do it i usually think it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be, but then i feel sick at the thought of it the next time again? i dont know whats wrong with me and why i cant think straight over it all. one minute im remembering the bad things and i just feel like i really want to run away and hide, the next im asking him for a cuddle. hes so good to me now, weve been really happy together lately and hes always buying me stuff and i feel so awful that i cant just put everything behind me. how can i get over all this and sort my head out?

How long has it been since his behaviour towards you improved? Did he have any professional intervention to help him change? Have you had any?

It sounds to me as though this man is abusive, and that you are currently in a calm phase (Google the cycle of abuse and see if it fits your relationship). I'd be very wary about having a child with this man. He's got form for abuse, and one of the most vulnerable times for a woman in an abusive relationship is during pregnancy. It also sounds very much like you don't really trust him - you want to, but something is holding you back. That something is probably a gut feeling that things aren't completely safe, and it's wise to trust it.

Have a look at this: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

I do trust him but I do sometimes think I wouldn’t put anything past him. I tend to drop it in arguments because o don’t want to risk him getting really mad

Do you think it's fair or right to bring a baby into this dynamic OP?

I understand you might want to do so but if you take a step back and look at the situation... do you really think it's fair on the baby?

They'll be growing up witnessing a relationship that is at best toxic, volatile and reliant on the woman not sharing her genuine feelings for fear of the man losing his temper.

So, so damaging and unhealthy. For you and for a child, but you have a choice about it whereas a child won't.

'don’t want to risk him getting really mad'

Why? What would happen?

You shouldn't be trying.

You know why you can't? Because your brain is trying to keep you safe from an abuser, despite your best efforts to ignore it.

The obviously abusive incidents have reduced because he's got control of you - you're frightened and damaged by the history so it's easier for him to control you.

Abuse is about control not the incidents.

I hope you take up support from Freedom Programme and Women's Aid. You won't recover from his abuse as long as you continue a relationship with him - it's simply impossible.

The argument inside you is coming from your heart (the true you, the one who has always been silenced since you were a kid), and your brain (the you that's been conditioned to do what you're told, regardless of how you feel about it)

Sometimes your brain wins, and you go to this man for affection and support, because that's the way you've been taught a relationship works, and this is the relationship you're in.

Sometimes your heart wins, and you want to scream 'GET OFF ME, DON'T TOUCH ME, I DON'T WANT YOU NEAR ME', because that's how you truly feel, when you're not trying to 'get it right'.

Life isn't about getting it right. Life is about doing things that make your heart happy. The flaw in your thinking is that there's something wrong with you. If you stop thinking that, and start asking why you would feel all the 'GET OFF ME' feelings if it's not to do with a fault you have, you'll start coming to the truth: Your instincts are screaming at you to keep your distance from this man, because he has overstepped and disrespected your boundaries time and again, and the reason he's been able to do this is because you've let him.

how can i get over all this and sort my head out

Put as much distance as you can between him and you. It's that simple. There's nothing wrong with you. Don't ever try to change yourself. Change the people you keep company with, so you're surrounded with people you feel good with. That's all you ever need to know about boundaries, and self respect within relationships.

i dont know. probably nothing. but also it could be almost anything. ive seen him get mad at other people and really lose it once or twice, and he screamed at me when he was driving a car and nearly crashed us. and he hurt me a couple of times, a long time ago now and he said he didnt want to be like that anymore. he grew up having to fight all the time because his family was abusive and it was how he always reacted to things but he said he didnt want to be like it anymore and we tried to sort things out and he hasnt hurt me since to be fair but i think its always at the back of my mind

Do you think it's fair or right to bring a baby into this dynamic OP?

I understand you might want to do so but if you take a step back and look at the situation... do you really think it's fair on the baby?

They'll be growing up witnessing a relationship that is at best toxic, volatile and reliant on the woman not sharing her genuine feelings for fear of the man losing his temper.

So, so damaging and unhealthy. For you and for a child, but you have a choice about it whereas a child won't.

no, i know its not. ive said i dont want to try until after my birthday which is a few months away to kind of put it off for now and i just want to get my head sorted before then

Do not ttc with this man ever after your birthday. The only way you will get yourself sorted is to put mental and physical distance between him and you. His family are abusive and in turn so is he. He learnt from them how to abuse other people. You do not have to be his fall guy here and you are not responsible for his past abuses of you. He is solely responsible for that.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of childhood did you have?.

Please talk to Women's Aid. Even if the abuse is in the past, they can help with coming to terms with your experience, as well as helping you with issues in the present. The bottom line is, you're still living in fear because you're adapting your behaviour to prevent triggering your husband's anger and potential aggression.

@elli3

how can i get over all this and sort my head out

By leaving, accessing some form of support or counselling and educating yourself on what a good relationship looks like, which is - spoiler alert - NOTHING like the 'relationship' you're in right now.

This man sounds not only abusive, but potentially dangerous. You would be out of your head to willingly bring a child into this situation.

Your writing style makes me think you're quite young, which gives me some hope that you have time to ship out.

You don’t need to get your head sorted - you need to get your life sorted. Which really entails leaving this man and building your confidence to a point where you don’t feel that you need to accept this crap

You should have left him ages ago, and it would be the worst decision of your life to have a baby by this man. Don't do this to yourself or an innocent child. Pack your things and get the hell out of there.

Your head is telling you that you shouldn't be with him. That's why you hesitate to have a child with him, even though you'd like a child. It's why you don't want to have sex with him. It's why you don't trust him and his reactions. You should never be frightened of how a partner will react to something.

He is still abusive if you are frightened of how he will react to something. If he tries to pressure you in to things.

Your gut is telling you to get away. Having a child would be the worst thing in these circumstances. He is very likely to return to being abusive once you have a child and he feels you are more vulnerable and dependent on him.

It isn't the right place to being a child in to. And it isn't the right place for you.

You should feel safe, supported, respected, listened to, cared for, with your partner. I don't get that impression from your post.

There's nothing wrong with your head to sort.

All you need to do is start listening to it and leave him. He will always be a danger to you and any unfortunate child.

I hope you find the courage to take up the support you need to exit this relationship and recover from your trauma.