How to respond to these texts?

[Blippymyblippy]

I posted here recently about my mother and some traits that she has that might be narcissistic or at least are quite difficult to deal with.

I'm hoping that I might ask for some more advice... She has a habit of texting me to tell me how worried she is about (insert some major world issue) and that she's worried about me and my children.

I am quite an anxious person and avoid difficult news if there's nothing I can do about it (war, Covid etc). When my mum talks about it, I listen to her and try to gently disengage. I have told her that I avoid reading/thinking about these things as they make me anxious. With these texts, I've put up with them until recently but I'm starting to wonder if she's sending them not as a genuine outpouring of emotion that needs real support, but as a way of getting my attention/making me uncomfortable.

Am I overthinking this? And how should I respond? I don't really want any more of these texts telling me of the danger my children face.

You need a broken record text. A standard line which you send every time. Something like ‘Mum you know I chose to avoid difficult news as it upsets me so please don’t send me messages like this.’

I'd like to but I'm afraid she'll turn it back on me and accuse me of not caring about her.

Don't respond at all? Or just a 'Thanks' or a Thumbs up emoji?

Then flip it back to her and point out that she's not caring about you if she keeps sending you stuff that she knows upsets you.

Haha I like the second idea @Wartywart ... Very PA 😂

So what if she does? You know it's not true, she knows that's not true. You are not responsible for her little tantrums. Reply, Mum, I'm not going to discuss this. Every time.

How about ''yes, it's upsetting. We are so lucky we fine here''.

You've told her such topics make you more anxious and she hasn't stopped so I think you're right. She does this to get your attention or she herself is sufferingfrom anxiety and hers is trumping yours. There is no point in repeatedly say "please don't" so a stock flippant answer is best until she gets bored: "cheers, all fine" or just don't reply at all to such messages.

I just replied, I'm sorry you're so worried, but knowing that you think my children and I are going to die in horrible circumstances has definitely made me feel better.

Not very tactful. I wanted to wait for advice from you guys but I was feeling a bit worked up. I imagine she won't appreciate my reply at all and she will chastise me for my unkindness rather than wondering if maybe it's the type of message she shouldn't send.

If she tries to chastise you tell her to give over, she's upsetting you and she carries on then you'll block her. Then do it.

I agree.
Relentless positive clichés.

"It just makes me realise how lucky we are"
"We should be so grateful we're all healthy, shouldn't we?"

On repeat.

Am a fan of the big thumbs up. Tells her you’ve seen it but doesn’t open the door to a discussion.

Agree with breezy, short, trite responses suggested.

‘Cheers, all fine here’ is good.

I think I'll go with the breezy response in the future. Her response this time was that she was awful and foolish and I must ignore her, so of course I ended up comforting her. Breezy response is a safe way of being inoffensive but not inviting further discussion on it

This makes me glad that my mum can't text (never really worked out how). I've told my mum the same thing but she often tells me about really horrible disturbing things. Last time I reminded her that for my mh I don't watch the news she said "well I couldn't turn my back like that " - thanks a lot.

Goodness @Undecidedandtorn I think we should introduce our mothers to each other, and they can clutch their pearls together about the state of the world and their children's disappointing reaction to it

I think that you need to ditch the idea of 'trying to give a polite answer that she can't respond unpleasantly to'. You're under no obligation to be polite to people, she's not being polite to you, and if she's a narcissist, she can find a way of turning anything you say back on you.

The trick, with her, and with anybody else who treats you poorly, is not to change your own behaviours in the hope of changing theirs, but to change your internal response to the comments.

You can't choose to not receive these texts (unless you block her), so, assume she's going to keep sending them. She's going to keep doing it, because that's who she is, and what she likes to do.

Respond by saying exactly what's happening for you, and don't twist or tailor anything at all: 'I'm not going to worry myself about that, Mum.' Don't ever, ever comment on the actual subject she's talking about; that makes it a conversation about the subject she's introduced. Keep your responses completely general. 'Not something I'm going to spend my time worrying about, Mum' These generic sentences will stand between you and any difficult discussions she tries to have with you. They'll distance you from anxiety about the subject matter. They'll allow you to immediately start talking about something else.

Do you ever wonder why you've got anxiety around these issues? Could it possibly be that your mother has been filling your head with this for years?

@DeskInUse I think so, unfortunately. My mother sees danger in everything eg swimming = drowning, travelling on holiday = car/plane crash etc. When I was little I used to pad my car seatbelt with teddy bears because I thought that that when we crashed, it would hurt less. And I needed to count pairs wherever I went or I would die.

And she's no better now - the last time she saw my dd5, she told her about how burglars come into houses into steal things, and my daughter has been worried about it ever since 😔

Oh you have to nip that in the bud - it's given you lifelong anxieties and now she's starting on your DD too.

My mum was very similar when I was growing up. I was fortunate in that I haven't suffered particularly with "inherited" anxiety but it has had an awful effect on my younger sister, who had been on medication for anxiety since she left home (wasn't allowed meds when living at home as apparently they are a "crutch", thanks mum 🙄)

I think a PPs suggestion of generic "I'm not worried about that" is good - I might also add in "you seem very anxious recently mum, have you spoken to the doctor about it?" but that could just encourage more of her word vomiting for you to clear up - so perhaps not.

My sis and I have been NC with mum for 7 years now and both of us have massively improved our MH by not having to deal with her bullshit.