Trigger Warning - Exdp Suicide Attempt

[cleanbreak2022]

Hi everyone,

Not sure if people remember by previous threads. My ex walked out on my and my two kids, 2 weeks before Christmas. He presented to me as having a mental health crisis. I then found out about other woman.

There's been a rollercoaster of emotions, mainly anger from me because he has abandoned his responsibilities as a father.

4 weeks ago my daughter (1)was admitted to hospital with a suspected allergy to penicillin, he decided to take a few days away. Leaving me with all the worry, and logistics of arranging childcare for my son (7). I suspected he was away with her. Turns out he paid and booked for an air b&b in the area they were due to stay in feb but couldn't get a refund so decided to follow her there. She was staying in a close by hotel and with her family.

I am currently away, on the other side of the world with my children enjoying our holiday that was originally booked for my exdp 40th. It's the holiday of a life time, 6000 miles away and 6hr time difference from home.

On Friday, OW contacted me as exdp had come to her house screaming and shouting (totally out of character) as I had told him off. Unbeknownst to me, before we left, he told my son not to contact him whilst we were away. He meant to give him head space to enjoy the trip, but my son took this quite literally and thought he wasn't allowed. This resulted in my son breaking down crying for his dad. I told his dad it was appalling behaviour.

Anyway, OW said he was action violent, tearful and suicidal and asking for help to find him.
We found him and he was in local woods after taking an overdose and drinking a litre of vodka. He was taken to hospital.

It then transpired that OW did finish with him in March, but has decided to 'help make him a better man' by issuing a list of demands to him to undertake.

1. Pay his share of their years rent in advance as she cannot afford it now the relationship os over.
2. Visit his father 3/4 times a week (father was an abusive alcoholic who my exdp has not had regular contact with for years due to trauma)
3. Meditate with her during the week.

It seems as though exdp has been in a mental health crisis for a while, but due to their continued lies and deceit no one knew how bad it was getting.

In the 6 months since meeting her (first date was 22nd October, suicide attempt 22nd April) he has lost his family, home, friends and is now on the brink of loosing his job. This man had everything prior to this point (I was suspecting depression in the months leading up to October). We had a stable, loving, beautiful home environment.

I told her I was furious with her because she actually doesn't know him and certainly not well enough to see these signs. Forcing him to see his dad, and telling him there is no relationship but to come and meditate, I believe has had catastrophic results. I told her weeks ago I believed his behaviour was concerning and I didn't even know the full picture. I also believe he has been sleeping rough. Whilst he was in hospital, she blocked me. On the other side of the world.

I just don't know what steps to do next. I understand the relationship is over, but I spent 15years with him and he is the father of my children. I feel responsible as if I was in the country I feel I would have noticed.

OW is 26 exdp is 40, they work together. He is on the brink of loosing his job, he believes he has been 'fitted up' by someone who has a crush on her. She seems to have older men falling over backwards for her, and uses them to play one off against the other. I'm not blaming her, my previous posts detail his wrong doings and not hers.

I don't know what to do for the best, I just need some guidance and independent advice really

I've sent you a PM.

But you know what it says.

Not your circus, not your monkey. You need to put your mask on first and heal you and your lovely babies.

You're worth more than a bit part in their pathetic, dysfunctional, nasty drama!

Let him sort it out you have children to deal with

I've been divorced for many years and currently have no contact with my ex. However we had a good relationship while co parenting the children. Had this happened to mine in that period of time I would have been as distressed and worried as you are.
However I wouldn't have felt 'responsible' as even if you'd been in the country I very much doubt you could have prevented anything.
My thoughts are that the relationship with the young woman will fizzle out and he will seek your support for his mental health crisis. It's at this time you say firmly ' I'm so sad you are feeling suicidal / distressed / anxious. Please contact crisis team / GP.' If he verbalises he is intending on taking his life you phone 999 and ask for the police. You can't prevent him taking his life or threatening to do so
I really feel for you, you are the one who will have to pick up the pieces of his behaviour for years to come with the children

Wouldn’t engage this much with your ex’s girlfriend.

Would leave her and/or your ex’s family to deal with your ex. Or, at most, if you doubt she or they will, contact your ex’s GP to outline behaviour of concern as regards his mental health.

Would make your DC and self your sole concern, eg any safety risks with contact.

You still sound very ‘enmeshed’.

He left you with all the shit. All of it. Maybe if he had done a better job at Co parenting you would be able to argue the case about helping the father of your children.

He doesn't care about you or the children one bit. He doesn't deserve any of your energies.

As a previous poster said, put your own mask on first before dealing with dc. He chose this. He can fend for himself.

Its understandable to feel upset.
My childrens father took multiple overdoses on 2020 which lead to a brain aneurysm and a stroke. His final attempt left him fighting for his life, in a coma and eventually sectioned.
The impact on the children over a period of 4 month's this was happening was horrific.

The thing is, you can't help him.
When someone is at crisis point, you, as an untrained person cannot help him.
Hopefully the hospital will be putting measures in place.

Your priority needs to be on the children.
Speak to their school, make sure there is help lined up for them.
Talk to them, ensure they know they can talk to you and ultimately no matter what their Dad does. He is responsible for himself, not them.
His actions are because he is Ill and not because he doesn't love them.

Go easy on yourself, you're also dealing with the effects of his mental health resulting in the breakdown of your marriage and now the very real possibility of being a single parent without a co parent.

He's not your problem OP. Why are you getting so involved? Protect your kids from it more than finger blame or tie yourself in Knotts over him and his issues.

So it's all another woman's fault and he was just a poor, innocent, defenceless little man?

He just doesn't like the consequences of his actions and rejection from the subject of his obsession - her. He certainly got a good reaction from his trip to woodland.

It's not your problem, it's not hers.

When someone is at crisis point, you, as an untrained person cannot help him

This..Please read this again. He is in crisis and you can't be responsible. I know you want to get updates but that might not be possible. Just wait until you return but recognise this is not your issue to fix and also try to avoid any drama.

Btw, you or OW didn't cause this. His mental health stems from his childhood and will run deep. Perhaps he was able to mask it for most of your relationship but childhood issues frequently surface in midlife.

I remember you op very well, welcome back and I am sorry it sounds horrific.

However this is not your problem anymore, your ONLY priority here is to shield your children from this and yourself.

I would block his girlfriend, and cut contact with your ex dp and tell him to contact you at some point in the future when he is better to organise monitored visitation and continue with divorce proceedings.

You can not fix this, he has made decisions that have snowballed to the point of no return and that was his choice as a 40 year old man. He is an adult, not a child and you owe him nothing.

Get your papers organised, and get him out of your children's lives or he will not only ruin his own life, but will also permanently damage your children's wellbeing and mental health. You carry on being a wonderful mother, tell the children Daddy is busy working and loves them and you field all of this drama and negativity out of your life, and be absolutely cast iron about it.
You are far too involved.

He has a Dad, he has a girlfriend let them sort him out. You take care of your children and yourself and nothing more.

Are you together or not? Because it sounds like you are.

If you’re on a holiday of a lifetime on the other side of the world, and you’re not together, turn off your phone, block them all and forget about them. Seriously. It’s not your problem- less so when you’re so far away and can’t do anything. Wait till you get back and then deal with it from the point of view of the children. Anything else is not your problem. At all.

Awful awful position to be put in. I fully agree with the posters that say to look after yourself. I understand exactly why you feel responsible but you are not at all, you cannot provide the help he needs and you will cause yourself harm even trying to.

What you do is stay out of this. Clearly he is going through something, but he didn't want your help with it. He chose instead to lie and cheat on his family. It's his mess to sort out. Your responsibility is to your children.

Hi OP. I remember you. Sorry things have taken this turn but I came in her to type pretty much this. Focus on you and your children. This is your only responsibility x

You are all very right.

I'm not sure why I am so involved to be honest. I've told him that every time I get stable and a routine established he, his girlfriend and their poison come screaming back. I can almost schedule it! It's always a Friday or Saturday!

I think what I have been doing is wanting to encourage decent behaviour from their dad, to protect my kids, when the angle is shield them from whatever he's doing.

This is not my circus and I am not the ringmaster.

I feel like I am dragged into drama for maximum effect. Ironically I said to his best friend he would attempt this whilst I was away. I've been No Contact for a number of weeks, unless about visits.

As a footnote, the PP who felt I was blaming the other woman, I most definitely am not. He made the decision to pursue her, made the initial request for her number. I'm not blaming, I was trying to articulate their environment together. They seems to feed of each other's vulnerability.

I need to stay away. I feel like im parenting them two as well sometimes

You can stop now, by choosing to talk only through solicitors and informing everyone concerned that direct contact has now stopped.

If he wants to contact you he can do so through his solicitor and mean it.

It does not matter what high drama comes next, don't be sucked in. Block them on everything, he they come to the door, give the number for the police/crisis team and shut the door. This is not your problem and the quicker you can make your boundaries rock solid the better it will be for your recovery and your children especially.

At the moment it looks like you are indulging the drama. Step away. Mean it. Look after your children. Divorce as quickly as possible.
He is on a downward spiral, and if you are not careful he will take you all with him.

yes, you’re literally ‘in the woods’ or jumping onto a moving train.

you have other choices open to you.

I think I am indulging in the drama. I've done it my entire life. End up in the middle of the messiest situations trying to fix everything. I'm always fighting for someone else. It's exhausting.

The different option ions are helping me see the wood for the trees.

I'm stepping away, it's a disaster in the making and I can't stop it and I don't want to be in the train wreck too.

I am in therapy and I'm working on my boundaries. It's a habit that is so hard to break. I thought the distance would help and it has, but even then it didn't stop it

Is he safe now? If so, disengage and enjoy the rest of your holiday. Dint get involved in what the OW is planning in their relationship.

You are on a Wonderful holiday which should
be all about your children and yourself . Stop getting involved and trying to sort anything , just sit back , book an exciting activity for you all and have F.U.N.

Turn off your phone and don't answer any more messages! You will regret wasting a wonderful trip of a life time talking and thinking about him.

Focus on decompressing, enjoying your babies and making the most of it. You have it all to return to, no question, so allow yourself some headspace and proper downtime.

@RedHelenB I assume he is safe. I know he was discharged. I have no idea where he is now.

Horrible to do this to you while you're on a well deserved holiday. He sounds the absolute pits and OW sounds like an idiot. I'd tell her you don't want to listen to her idiotic niave drivvel and to f off. They won't last and you're well rid. Enjoy your holiday.... With a vengeance. I hope you meet someone decent who will treat you right.

Totally agree with this x