Now where do we go?

[Spectacles78]

Needing a bit of a hand hold tonight……
for background- been with DP for about 7 years. We both have adult children from previous relationships. When We first met I had 2 still living at home with me. He lived alone.
For a long time we carried our relationship on living in different houses and mostly it worked fine.
My life was/is complicated with elderly parents and my youngest DD having some mh issues, so eventually DP decided he’d move in with me. DS then moved out (not because of DP) I never once had suggested him moving in although it was something I was hoping he would eventually do, it came from him.

it’s not been an easy transition for any of us and we’ve all had moments when we’ve thought it had been a bad move!
i recognise that had it been the other way around then I too would have found it just as difficult.
anyway fast forward 2 &1/2 years and he’s decided after yet another spat with my DD (23) that he will move out again. He thinks we can just go back to how things were, living apart and still
maintaining Our relationship which we both want (I think!)
I can see that this could work as long as he isn’t hours away but I’m still really sad that it’s come to this.
In the last couple of years we’ve started doing /buying things together to make the house ours. So I’m guessing he will take with him the items he’s bought which will obviously mean I’ll need to replace them which I will struggle to afford to do. And now my son isn’t living here and paying ‘keep’ I will struggle to pay the bills unless I take a second job and/or a lodger!
my DD moving out isn’t an option atm due to her mh issues and having no job etc. And it doesn’t feel like I will have my own choices regarding where I live anytime soon, despite her being an adult. I feel so stuck in the middle between DD and DP.
my friends who I’ve confided in are mixed in their reactions ranging from thinking he’s being difficult to me not being supportive enough to him over my DD.
I just feel sick and sad and a failure yet again!

Didn't want to read and run as I am in a similar situation. It's so tough.

A friend did say to me that Carrie and Big did it for a while.. I suppose if you really feel it will work for you then give it a try until DD is old enough to move out and then reassess?

It feels like a deal breaker for me at the moment, but everybody is different

cantstandthesnorin
Thanks for replying. I appreciate you taking the time. Reading it back I feel like it comes across as I’m more concerned about the financial implications! That’s just a small part of it but obviously a very practical part of separating houses again!
Im more just sad we can’t/couldn’t make it work!

cantstandthesnorin
I should also have added I’m sad you’re in a similar situation! It suck’s doesn’t it? !!

Not sure it’s helpful to compare to an imaginary couple @cantstandthesnorin but there are couples that function very well living separately. I have sympathy with your DP who is perhaps looking for a less stressful life.

it’s not your DPs responsibility to help you pay the bills and presumably you do have choices albeit constrained by cost. If you’re currently a home owner, you may have to downsize, perhaps start to look at the options to help put your mind at rest on the housing front.

kelly
I totally agree it isn’t his responsibility to pay the bills but we made decisions with longer term financial implications based on him living here and contributing. The whole situation is more complex than just finding extra for the electric hike.
I can’t move and downsize at the moment due to needing to be near my elderly parents.
I feel trapped by parents, kids and my own stupidity.
I know we can make a relationship where we don’t live together work, after all we did it for 5 years and I totally get he struggles to live with my DD. I am just feeling sad and confused.

Is this what you want? Or are you looking for someone to live with you? It's a definite backwards step but not to say it can't work for you.

If you are able to talk to him about finances you should discuss it with him before he moves. He sounds unsupportive to me. If you are a couple you face life's problems together. Do you need someone who is actually a partner or just a boyfriend to spend fun times with?

Living together is more about day to day companionship and a deeper level of support and caring for each other in a practical sense. It's telling he doesn't want to do this. It sounds like your adult children won't be a problem long term so why is he really moving?

zen I understand your point but it really is much more complicated than just supporting me as a couple.
my daughter can be challenging and I have not always dealt with it as I should have, which is my weakness too.
like I said had it been the other way round I would have struggled with his adult kids too!
Because of her MH problems it’s impossible atm to imagine a time when she can live away from home.
I of course would much rather have a partner who shares that but at the end of the day it’s not his daughter and the last thing I want is for him to be unhappy. Which atm he is. So if the compromise is a partner who lives away then it’s better than not having him in my life at all.
we will definitely have a discussion about finances. We are still talking and neither of us want to break up.

how old is your daughter?

I think at 23 you/your dd need to think about what she really wants from life and where she sees her future. I get as a parent you want to be there for her and its not about this (or indeed any other) partner but at 23 if she doesn't have any plans to live independently then it is probably time she made some - unless you are happy/prepared to live with her forever.

Oh littleowl
I want nothing more than for her to have a plan and a direction!
she’s been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and I long for her to want her independence but it’s not going to happen until she can control this!
she can’t even manage to work atm.
I want and deserve a life of my own but I also need to ensure her psychological safety.
but it isn’t easy to tally that with my relationship.

Sorry to hear that OP. My partner and I both have children, don't live that near each other, and we're trying to work out how we can live together. So to hear of the 'backwards step' as you see it, I can imagine that will be upsetting.

Is there no way you can work with him to stay?

I agree it does sound unsupportive, not like he's got your back.

I totally get it as well, as it is really hard with other people's children.

I would think he could just stay in the background, not get involved between you and your daughter, but support you in private.

Moving out doesn't sound like he's helping you at all. And with all the other pressures on you- going back to dating each other sounds like another job on top of everything else.

Would the plan be that he would stay over when you date? It all sounds a bit strange.

I admire you for supporting your dd so much, I think that's absolutely the right thing to do.

Is there any way your partner could keep living with you but he and dd don't need to interact much?

What, exactly, is the issue between your partner and your daughter?

Aqua it’s more the drip drip of two different ways of living clashing. She leaves lights on, doesn’t wash up, invites friends over when all he wants to do is put his feet up and watch the news. I could go on and on. It’s that ‘teenage’ way of living that as a mum annoys me but I seem to have no control over because she never seems to listen to me. He moved in (already knowing she did all these things) and has tried really hard to as he sees ‘parent her’ but it’s not easy when she’s an adult behaving like a child in her home where she’s always been a child! I get his frustration! He doesn’t want to live like that and to be honest neither do I , but her attitude is ‘he knew what our house was like’ he’s the one who should adapt…. I get stuck in the middle with both of them saying I don’t back them up!!
Without her MH issues I would have suggested she move out but she literally has nothing, no money, no job, if I forced her to leave she would be homeless, sofa surfing at best? As much as she irritates me she’s still my daughter and I know I’m enabling the behaviour to continue but I don’t know how to break the cycle because tough love could bring with it another suicidal attempt which she has done in the past. I just feel trapped. So I get exactly why he’s had enough….

Don’t panic! Let him find somewhere else, hopefully not too far away & see how the situation pans out.
Hopefully he won’t strip your house of his “possessions “ immediately & depending on what they are, some decent charity shops have lovely furnishings which might tide you over? He should expect to help you get that sort of thing sorted out.
My chap & I live 150 miles apart but we can afford the fuel/train fares and have been together donkeys years.
Where there’s good will from both parties you’ll get thru this.
The head space you achieve by separation might help you do some “tough love” with your daughter?
All is not lost. Chin up, deep breaths but don’t harness him.

I think you are avoiding dealing with your daughter. If she doesn’t launch now she never will. And she has no reason to grow up. Which she really needs to do because she cannot rely on you forever.

Does she have MH support ? It sounds like she needs a link worker along with treatment to put some structure in her life.

it’s not really about your DP being unsupportive. He probably sees a situation that will never resolve and he probably doesn’t agree with how you are dealing with it.

Lemon
you are absolutely right. That’s exactly how he sees it and I know I’m not blameless in this situation!
my daughter knows how to manipulate me.
she doesn’t have a support worker as such.
she is doing talking therapies and GP has put her on medication but it’s so hard to gauge how much to ‘push her’ because it meets with a stock ‘You don’t understand mh/panic attacks/anxiety’ etc.
and she’s right I don’t! I have always pulled on my big girl pants and got on with it!! Which I guess is what I have to do now!
giveitall
thank you for your support. It means a lot I was very anxious I would get judged for being a bad partner/bad mother.

I would imagine that when he moved in 2 1/2 years ago he might reasonably have thought that the age your DD was that in time she would mature, build a life for herself while living at home or maybe even move out to flat share with friends all normal milestones for a young 20’s woman. Instead things haven’t moved on your DD is still acting like a teenager ( your words) with no end in sight, if he’s tried to be supportive and suggest strategies to help your DD and you haven’t been able to make any changes I can understand his reluctance to stay. Also you says it’s causing problems in your relationship he maybe thinks moving out is the only way to keep the relationship with you?

Yep he is totally doing the right thing. WIll give him the space to decide if he wants to continue the relationship

Totally agree. He is doing the right thing removing himself from this no win situation