Read through some old diaries at the weekend from when I was 18 and very unhappy. I had a revelation and can't wrap my head around it/what it means for my life now.
When I was a teenager, my home life was hard because of my parents mental health issues and messy divorce. I lived with DM, just the two of us. I went to visit family for 6 weeks in another country and while I was gone her boyfriend moved in. I'd never met him, hadn't heard of him and didn't even know he existed until I found out while I was away with family. So I came back home after 6 weeks to a strange man living in my house.
It was a very toxic relationship and my DM had bad mental health. Despite being very unhappy living with the two of them and having other options of places to live, I stayed living in her house because she made me feel so guilty about wanting to leave her house. She was very manipulative and cruel at the time and looking through my diary I remembered some awful things she said to me, which was upsetting.
Around this time, I met a man who I dated and eventually became my boyfriend. I spent all of my time with him and slept at his house appx 13 nights a fortnight. I'd go home after work, change and go straight over to his for dinner. It was never a 'wow' relationship, I always felt slightly underwhelmed by him but he was nice and worked hard and had some interesting hobbies. We ended up getting our own place together, we got married and have had a child and we've moved to a new city together. We have a beautiful (messy) home, both have good jobs and earn well, our little girl is happy and healthy and we spend a lot of family time together. But I still feel a bit underwhelmed by him. I'm not in love with him and I suspect he is not in love with me (although I think we both care about each other very much).
I think I ended up here, married to a man I don't love and at risk of never having a great love because I was so desperate to escape the toxic life my DM had built around me. I don't think I'd have stayed with this man, now my DH, if I'd had a happier home life.
Now I don't know what to do. My life is good, Dd is happy, I have friends, family etc I just have a very bland marriage. If I leave him I risk losing my DD half the week, losing my home, losing my financial stability and still might not ever meet a great love.
I'm really stuck and don't know what to do?