Is my marriage dying a slow painful death?

[AnonPerson]

I need sensible advice, I don't know if I'm stressed or depressed or what or where to even begin.

Been married 11 years, together 14 years. 1 older DD (20) and a younger one (11). My DH is lovely, hardworking, a good dad and husband.

We've had a shit time the last few years. Older DD went off the rails aged 13 until really quite recently. Spent a lot of time either in hospital, seeing camhs, etc etc, it was incredibly stressful for about 8 years. Younger DD diagnosed with an eating disorder almost a year ago. I think that really all this has broken me, I feel like a shadow of who I used to be and the prospect of my younger DD being unwell for the foreseeable future is starting to upset me. She isn't the happy, funny little girl she used to be any more, she is anxious and tense, our world seems to revolve around her eating routines, it's generally a big grey cloud hanging over everything. We try to go out and do fun stuff but basically she doesn't want to. She is under CAMHS and hospital consultant etc who to be fair have been quite good, but the burden of dealing with it all has fallen on mine and DH's shoulders and I'm finding it hard to cope with. Our families who live nearby have been pretty useless and we barely speak to them really.

Through all this I feel like I've forgotten how to live, like I'm a non-person. I feel like if I died tomorrow it wouldn't be noticed. I'm not a part of anything, I don't do anything that I enjoy any more, and I'm about to go mad with boredom. I've got pretty much 1 best friend and that's it. DH is self employed and he hasn't got any friends either, his friends from when we were younger have mostly moved away and he maybe sees them twice a year.

Obviously all this has had an effect on my marriage. DH and I very rarely get any "alone time" and our sex life /intimacy has really suffered, to the point even when there are opportunities I'll make excuses not to. He sometimes asks if it's him that's the reason I don't want sex that much, I've tried explaining how I feel but I'm not sure he gets it, and being a man he just gets horny. He's lovely and I love him, but I feel so flat inside, like a robot just going through the motions of life. Everything has lost its meaning.

I feel like my marriage can only go on so long. Neither of us has done anything wrong but I feel like we're being ground down by circumstance. I wouldn't blame DH if he went looking elsewhere.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and the marriage has survived??

Oh that sounds so hard. You say you feel flat and like no one would miss you if you weren't there. Could you be depressed? Some help for your own mental health, either counselling or medication or both may be needed to start to feel better.

I’d look into counselling @AnonPerson its clear that you feel low about yourself and your life and it would be beneficial for someone to help you find some joy & hope in your life.
I think it’s really worth trying to save your marriage, for you and your children who struggle as it is it appears …

When my oldest had serious mental health issues I sought Councelling for myself. It really helped. DH and I also had marriage therapy session. Don’t underestimate the pressure that an mentally unwell child can put on a marriage. It’s a lot of stress.
With Sex i think it can often be a use or use it. Have sex. It helps bind a couple together - you may find that even if not in the mood initially it improves.
i do wonder if you are depressed - from the tone of your message.
Marriages can go through bumpy patches - DH and I had one that lasted about 18 month - sometime ok, sometimes awful (never abusive)A few years down the line we are in a happy, stronger place.
Love is an emotion. It’s also a decision, an action. That’s not as romantic but it can lead to wonderful things and a happy future.
My suggestion would be to say to your DH that you would like to do a fun activity together - cinema, a walk, a Board Game. Whatever you both enjoy. It doesn’t have to be expensive or long. Even something as simple as cooking a meal together. Something that just about the two of you.

That all sounds so difficult op and I'm sorry things have been so tough for your family.

Our own dd had a mental health crisis a few years back and it's so overwhelming and scary. No support from family etc I just felt like I was going through the motions and falling apart inside. I sought some help for my own mental health. And joined some parent support groups. That helped the most, being able to talk to other people going through or having experienced the same things.

Hope things get better for you all

You sound depressed OP, I think you need to get some help for you. You've been soldiering on for ages, don't break.

Dear OP, you have been through so much. I know it's a cliche but it's true that to be a good carer to anyone who needs your support long term, as your DD does, then you must care for yourself first.

You need to allow yourself to be a person again, and for you and your DH to be a couple again.

It's way easier said than done but I strongly suggest you try and go out together one night a week and have one night a week each doing something that interests you. On your date night, don't go for dinner - you'll only end up talking stressfully about DC (been there), but instead do something worth remembering, something that rekindles your romantic life. DH and I like going to gigs and standing, hugging each other, as we listen, or dancing. Or go to a comedy night. Seeing a favourite comedian is a massive stress reliever. Even going to a cheap improv night above a local pub is worth doing.

Maybe you could join a running group or exercise class or yoga - something that helps with the stress, and where you might make new friends. Invest a bit of money and time in yourselves.

Sometimes, DH and I just went for a walk. In summer months, we'd take a picnic to a local lake. You deserve some time to connect back with who you are.

Also do it in tiny ways every day - play your favourite music from your youth when you are cooking dinner or getting ready in the morning. Listen to interesting podcasts on your laptop when you are in the bath, or for 15 mins before bed. Give yourself stuff to occupy your brain that is not related to your DC at all. Maybe join an online study group on Udemy or one of the other free uni courses. Many of these are in 15 minute chunks so you won't be ignoring DC if you sign up for one.

Thank you all ❤️❤️ it's been raised again and again that we are lacking quality time together, unfortunately we have zero support from family so it's incredibly rare we have any time shared without DD (also both work full time etc etc). My wonderful friend has looked after DD on the odd occasion to give us a break but that's all we get.

I'm going to look into counselling, I think I need it. There are times I feel totally depressed, weepy etc, other times I feel just trapped and mourn for our old life before all this crap happened when we used to go to gigs etc and have a good time and feel alive