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Original poster

Childless DP and my age (42)

13 replies

MaeveWiley · 25/04/2022 15:48

I am 42 with two DC 11 and 9, and I’m a widow.

I have met a lovely new DP (been together 18 months) and am very happy. No issues with the relationship itself. He’s 41.

But. He has no DC and says he always saw himself married with a family, it’s what he always thought he wanted. As things progress between us and became more serious, I have raised the subject of my age and said that it’s unlikely I can have any more children, even if we were at that stage of commitment.

He says he’s just happy getting to know me and the children and it’s not a thing he thinks about and hankers after.

My question is, do you think I’ll have to let him go eventually so he can find a younger woman to have DC with, or else he’ll eventually resent me? This is not him talking by the way, it’s me. I just would appreciate views.

I don’t want him to miss out on having his own DC, but I do love him. But do I need to be prepared for a breakup in this circumstances?

OP posts:
GregBrawlsInDogJail · 25/04/2022 15:55

He doesn't sound all that fussed about DC if he hasn't made any moves to have them yet. That said, he could suddenly decide he was fussed about DC in 10 years' time and fuck off to have them with a thirtysomething, and there's nothing you could do or have done to prevent that.

My take is that a lot of men vaguely imagine themselves with families because they think that's the grown-up template and a Man Thing, but don't really have a burning desire to become parents. It might last between you, it might not, but what's the point of second-guessing what he's saying at this stage?

savedbyanalien · 25/04/2022 15:57

You're only 42!

I think you can easily have a baby at 43, 44, 45 if that's what you want Smile

northernlight20 · 25/04/2022 15:58

i could have written this myself, except hes 46 and i have 4dc. he says hes happy with me, but i worry he may decide after a while that he wants dcs of his own. but otherwise, we are very happy. i try not to worry and just go with the flow.

StorminNorma · 25/04/2022 16:03

Well he's told you what he thinks but if it's worrying you it's worth raising as a point of discussion where you set out your position and clarify if he's on the same page. Fwiw I think very few women with older children would want to have another baby at 42 or over but as he's never had children himself (and is a man!) he perhaps doesn't appreciate what a line in the sand it is.

fairlygoodmother · 25/04/2022 16:12

He is 41 so he has waited until women his own age are starting to reach the end of their childbearing years. So I tend to agree with previous posters that he can't be that bothered.

Once he becomes more involved in your family life with your own children, there might be a risk that he starts to feel regret that he doesn't have his own children so I think you need to be ready to take that risk. But in any relationship there are no guarantees it will last. So I'd go for it, but make sure you protect yourself financially.

Jasminejas · 25/04/2022 16:12

@MaeveWiley I have a thread going at the moment about this situation but in reverse. I have recently left my partner as he won’t have any more kids and I have none. I think for men though there’s no time limit on it, whereas I have had to leave due to my biological clock. If he has always wanted a family he probably will just carry on for a while until it starts to get louder in his head like it did for me. I guess it’s his decision to make though, he may find happiness without it. If he wants to be with you right now I would go with it but just be prepared he may go one day.

headstone · 25/04/2022 16:16

You need to look at the options, try naturally now, ivf or donor egg or adoption.

Original poster
MaeveWiley · 25/04/2022 16:17

Thanks all. At the moment, I will try to just live for - and enjoy - now rather than something that may or may not happen in the future.

A friend said something which I found helpful “you may (arguably) be stopping him having DC now but you haven’t stopped him for the past 15 years”.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 25/04/2022 16:24

Frankly if he was that bothered surely he would have had a family by early 40s?

StorminNorma · 25/04/2022 16:26

You aren't stopping him from doing anything! You're presenting him with the golden opportunity of being with you. Up to him what he does with that.

Ohwowhoho · 25/04/2022 16:40

savedbyanalien · 25/04/2022 15:57

You're only 42!

I think you can easily have a baby at 43, 44, 45 if that's what you want Smile

Whilst 42 is obviously not old at all and many people do infact naturally get pregnant at this age I don’t think this is a helpful comment.

Once you hit 40 your fertility rapidly decreases and your chance of getting pregnant naturally falls to just 20%. Once you hit 44 the chance of IVF successfully is only 3-5% (something which OP won’t qualify for on the NHS due to having children), which is why many women opt for a donor egg.

However, it doesn’t really sound like he’s that fussed. Why would he be dating a women nearing the end of her fertile years if he was that bothered about children now?

MarisPiper92 · 25/04/2022 16:59

I think your friend's comment is really good. You've made it clear to him that you may not be able to/want to have any more children, it's up to him what he does with that.

seensome · 25/04/2022 17:33

He's 41 and had all this time to find a younger woman if he wanted, it can't of been a priority.

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