Is menopause killing my marriage?

Finallybreathingout · 2022-04-25T14:00:16+00:00

I'm mid-40s, married to a lovely man, who is kind, funny, does tons around the house, is loyal, clever and a brilliant father. But I just feel no desire towards him at all, and haven't for a couple of years. I'm also constantly irritable and find many of the things he does and says grate on me. I have put on weight and my sleeping is poor. Given that my periods have gone haywire, I think it's likely that I'm in per-menopause. I have started to think I'd prefer to be alone. He has done nothing different at all and is finding this version of me tricky, as you might imagine. Have you been through this? Does it change? He's my best friend and I don't really want to be without him, and I wouldn't in any case split up our family, but neither of us is enjoying this much.

Bagelsandbrie · 25/04/2022 15:05

Yep it probably is menopause related. If you want to go on to HRT you can see your Gp - you don’t need blood tests etc to start HRT according to NICE clinical guidelines. You’re having symptoms, you’re about the right age and your periods are screwed up so it is probably all related. But equally - a lot of women in their mid 40s (me included) do feel like this. I think it’s a sort of burn out related to always having been the nurturing, caring one and you just get to a point where you don’t want to do any of that anymore. You want time for you, to be separate from everyone else. And I actually think that’s a fairly normal thing for middle aged women to feel. I’m not sure how to navigate it myself but I do know we’re not alone….!

Chickenkatsu · 25/04/2022 15:06

Have you tried hormone replacement therapy?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/04/2022 15:08

Menopause killed my marriage stone dead. Mind you my marriage wasn't great to start with but it took the rose tinted glasses right off.
Bearing in mind this can last for 10 years, mine lasted for 15, you really need to do something about it. I took hrt and was back to normal pretty quickly, my colleague of the same age didn't and she is still a hot, sweaty, moody mess that nobody will go near any more. Shame, she was such a lovely person before.
Nobody tells you that you are going to wake up one morning and turn into this awful mess, it just happens and its such a shock.
If you can't take hrt there are natural ones out there. HRT got rid of all my symptoms but it didn't bring the old me back - soft, forgiving, tolerant, I have become tougher, harder and won't stand for any nonsense.

Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 25/04/2022 15:13

I'd like to try HRT. I've been waiting 12 weeks and counting for a GP's appointment and finally have a phone one tomorrow so hopefully they'll be helpful.

I am definitely less tolerant than I was when younger, but I also don't think that's a bad thing!

I just rather want to be alone to do nothing. I'm not depressed (have been before and I know the difference) but I feel so many demands on me all the time.

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needmorethanthis · 25/04/2022 15:14

Yep this is me and I’m on HRT. Maybe you’re also irritated because he’s irritating. I’m find my husband intolerable and realised that actually I’ve spent a lot of my life meeting and anticipating his needs but sacrificing my own. Do you know what you need from a relationship? Maybe you don’t want to have sex with him because he’s not that great in bed? Why is it all about you being defective. Menopause is called the change for a reason. Are you sure it’s not just a process of you waking up and realising some stuff? I’ve realised that my husband takes me for granted and before menopause I kept quiet and he gets his own way all the time. Since menopause I actually want my say thanks and he’s not liking this version of me because me having my say means he doesn’t get to always play king of the castle. I think I’d quite like to be king of my castle and not just the servant in his. Does any of that resonate with you?

Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 25/04/2022 15:17

I'm glad you're reclaiming your needs, @needmorethanthis , but I think my husband is a genuinely thoughtful and nice man. Our sex life has never hit the heights but I've never had any massively thrilling sex with anyone, and I can't really imagine it to be honest; it's never been something I've expected.

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Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 26/04/2022 19:08

My GP happily prescribed HRT, so I just need to wait for the patches to come into stock and hopefully things will improve. Good to see some positive stories on here, but definitely thinking more widely about whether I need to do more thinking about how our relationship functions too.

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Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 19:17

Tbf menopause just takes off the rose coloured glasses all females are given at birth…which distort our vision and give messages such as look after everyone, be kind, smile,be nice, oh did I mention look after everyone! Menopause means all the patience to deal this has fucked off… and we get angry when expected to keep looking after everyone else. They get angry because they don’t know why we are not so nice and patient anymore. The only bad thing is the rose colour glasses appear to have all the sex hormones in….

I think my hrt patch might need changing 😂

Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 26/04/2022 19:43

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 19:17

Tbf menopause just takes off the rose coloured glasses all females are given at birth…which distort our vision and give messages such as look after everyone, be kind, smile,be nice, oh did I mention look after everyone! Menopause means all the patience to deal this has fucked off… and we get angry when expected to keep looking after everyone else. They get angry because they don’t know why we are not so nice and patient anymore. The only bad thing is the rose colour glasses appear to have all the sex hormones in….

I think my hrt patch might need changing 😂

😂😂😂

I DEFINITELY take no prisoners now. I take enormous pleasure in giving zero shits at work if I upset people. But my husband doesn’t deserve my ball busting self.

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Bagelsandbrie · 27/04/2022 08:05

Lollypop701 · 26/04/2022 19:17

Tbf menopause just takes off the rose coloured glasses all females are given at birth…which distort our vision and give messages such as look after everyone, be kind, smile,be nice, oh did I mention look after everyone! Menopause means all the patience to deal this has fucked off… and we get angry when expected to keep looking after everyone else. They get angry because they don’t know why we are not so nice and patient anymore. The only bad thing is the rose colour glasses appear to have all the sex hormones in….

I think my hrt patch might need changing 😂

Yes this. 😆

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/04/2022 12:45

I remember feeling exactly like that OP, tired, just wanting to be alone, just wanting the world to go away. It does get better, I'm 60 now and work full time in the NHS and although I live alone now (bliss) still spend lots of time going out with friends, worlds away from how I felt at 50.

Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 27/04/2022 12:50

That is good to know, @Shehasadiamondinthesky . The longer term future feels a long way off with three small children at present. But I am looking forward to feeling freer. I'm about to change jobs and thinking that I might take the earnings hit and go down to 0.8 to get some sanity time for the next couple of years.

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Alteredcarbon45 · 27/04/2022 12:53

I agree with what others have said.

Yes it could just be the menopause. Or it could be that you've just got tired of everyone else's bullshit and you're saying no more.

What you've written about sex is the most depressing thing I've ever read. Really? Do you not expect to have good sex? How utterly sad. I do think your comment about sex is perhaps indicative of your life in general. That you don't expect or think you deserve to have your needs put first. By all means, take the HRT. But don't expect it to magically fix things it can't.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/04/2022 16:03

Finallybreathingout · 27/04/2022 12:50

That is good to know, @Shehasadiamondinthesky . The longer term future feels a long way off with three small children at present. But I am looking forward to feeling freer. I'm about to change jobs and thinking that I might take the earnings hit and go down to 0.8 to get some sanity time for the next couple of years.

That's a very good idea.

Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 27/04/2022 16:14

Alteredcarbon45 · 27/04/2022 12:53

I agree with what others have said.

Yes it could just be the menopause. Or it could be that you've just got tired of everyone else's bullshit and you're saying no more.

What you've written about sex is the most depressing thing I've ever read. Really? Do you not expect to have good sex? How utterly sad. I do think your comment about sex is perhaps indicative of your life in general. That you don't expect or think you deserve to have your needs put first. By all means, take the HRT. But don't expect it to magically fix things it can't.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to make anyone sad. I have nice sex, it’s not bad sex at all. It’s just not Jilly Cooper heights of ecstasy sex and it never has been. I have never had a very high libido. I was single and celibate for most of my twenties without really minding. I just feel utterly dead in that space now, which didn’t use to be the case. I miss the closeness and the pleasure of the sex I used to have though.

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Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 27/04/2022 16:16

And I should say that’s by myself as well. I’ve always masturbated but have no inclination towards that now either. It’s like I’ve been turned off at the switch.

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Whatliesbeneath707 · 27/04/2022 17:06

Look up @hellojennykeane on Instagram. She does lots of work around sex & sexuality. Also has some online workshops that get amazing feedback.

Bapple · 27/04/2022 20:25

This is me and the relief at reading your post is huge. I've been on HRT for five years though and this is still how I feel.

I don't know what the answer is though.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 28/04/2022 09:30

Yes felt like that for 5 years. Teenagers and husband didn't know what to do with me. You get to a place where you just think screw the lot of you I want to be alone. Better now as no periods but the low tolerance for bull still stays. I go on strike regularly and retreat to my room. Lol

SunaksNutsack · 28/04/2022 09:43

Don’t compromise and don’t doubt your judgement. By all means try HRT, but you only get one life and the clarity at this age isn’t just down to hormones. It’s a time of transformation potentially, and a realization of insight gained over the years. If sex isn’t great and you want it to be, how can things me made better? You need to start some honest conversations.

Lizziekisss · 29/04/2022 19:31

@Lollypop701 - spot on.

Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 29/04/2022 22:55

SunaksNutsack · 28/04/2022 09:43

Don’t compromise and don’t doubt your judgement. By all means try HRT, but you only get one life and the clarity at this age isn’t just down to hormones. It’s a time of transformation potentially, and a realization of insight gained over the years. If sex isn’t great and you want it to be, how can things me made better? You need to start some honest conversations.

It’s not that sex isn’t great, it’s that I just have no interest in it at all. It’s not the quality of sex that I’m bothered about, it’s the utter absence of desire. I am quite content with the sex I have when I have it. It works for me.

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Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 29/04/2022 22:56

Bednobsbroomsticks · 28/04/2022 09:30

Yes felt like that for 5 years. Teenagers and husband didn't know what to do with me. You get to a place where you just think screw the lot of you I want to be alone. Better now as no periods but the low tolerance for bull still stays. I go on strike regularly and retreat to my room. Lol

Yep, retreating to my room is a rare pleasure and we all benefit.

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Original poster

Finallybreathingout · 29/04/2022 22:58

Bapple · 27/04/2022 20:25

This is me and the relief at reading your post is huge. I've been on HRT for five years though and this is still how I feel.

I don't know what the answer is though.

I’m really glad you feel this thread has helped you feel less alone but I do wish I could offer more help. Does the HRT help ar all?

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TorringtonDean · 29/04/2022 23:04

I found Husband Removal Therapy worked best for me! But then my ex wasn’t a good man.

I’m not sure why we should take hormones just to put the rose-tinted glasses back on. Better to see the world for what it is!