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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Very confusing situation

7 replies

2378sgk · 25/04/2022 08:52

Hey everyone,

I posted the other day but I thought I’d give an updated post to get some advice. My boyfriend and I have been friends for 4 years and together for nearly a year now. On Tuesday last week, I received a message from a girl he used to date saying he messaged her on the weekend, sent screenshots and I kicked him out the house. I acted very rash at first, which I feel is understandable, especially because I have been cheated on in the past. When he left I was so upset and hurt, I tried to log into his Instagram to see if he was telling the truth in saying she messaged him first etc (which really doesn’t make any difference in my opinion). I have never done this before and would never usually.

Following him leaving, he didn’t reach out at all. I was the one trying to talk and he managed to turn it on me, saying I shouldn’t have tried to see his Instagram, saying he was in the hospital with no explanation and being altogether very cold.

Yesterday I’d had enough and I said we needed to call. He said he had no intention of messaging me, since he ‘fought enough to tell his side of the story on Tuesday’. He said he loves me and wants to be together but 1. I’ve broken his trust by going behind his back, 2. He doesn’t want to see me until June and 3. He doesn’t feel like he knows me.

I feel like the whole situation has seriously been turned on me. He said it was “psychotic” to try and log into his Instagram, which without a reason I would never have tried. I feel like I’ve been left hanging with no idea what’s going on.

Does anyone have any advice? X

OP posts:
newbiename · 25/04/2022 09:14

You're not psychotic. He's messaged another woman.
He's turned it on you. I'd let him stay away.
You're not the one who should be doing the running here.
You wouldn't ever trust him again.

Opaljewel · 25/04/2022 09:15

Why are you trying so hard with someone who is messaging other girls?

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 25/04/2022 09:19

Don’t waste any more time on this person, your relationship is as dead as a Dodo.

He doesn’t want to see me till June

Are you kidding me? Tell him where to go and find someone else.

GroggyLegs · 25/04/2022 09:28

My honest opinion is that he's using this to end things.

He's turned it round on you being 'psychotic' so he doesn't have to tell people you broke up because he's a cheating rat.

Sorry OP.

layladomino · 25/04/2022 09:31

Please stop messaging him. Stop trying to get him to admit he's wrong. Stop thinking about how to get him back.

He messaged other women.
He doesn't want to see you 'until June' (presumably he has plans with someone else in the meantime.... he'll be able to excuse it in June with 'we were on a break that you instigated, you can't blame me for sleeping with other people').
He deflects blame on to you - and he's managed to get you questionning yourself and defending yourself. He's manipulative.

You can't trust him. He isn't apologetic. He isn't fighting for your relationship. He's testing the water with other people and saying some stuff to keep you warm on the backburner in case he wants you back.

Don't allow him to treat you as second choice. Don't allow him to see you as a backstop if other things don't work out. Show him you have self respect and you know your worth. And you deserve better than him.

When someone loves you and wants to be with you, they leave you in no doubt. They don't chat up or message other people. They don't lie to you. They don't say they don't want to see you for a month. They don't blame you for their own shortcomings. They leave you in doubt.

You deserve better. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you're sat desperately waiting for him to call and take you back.

Gotmynewshoes · 25/04/2022 09:33

Classic DARVO. Not you, all him. It won't feel like it for a while maybe, but you've made the right choice. It only gets worse from here with these types of people.

User0610134049 · 25/04/2022 10:12

You’re right he is turning it on you, but for his own reasons and to deflect from what he’s done. I think you’re initial reaction was absolutely correct and the way he’s acting now should reinforce that for you. Don’t let him get in your head and make you doubt yourself or think you’re in the wrong. Not see you til June? And I wonder what he’ll be up to between now and June. If I were you I wouldn’t want to see him ever!

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