My confidence is down the drain and I don't know how to fix this part of my relationship or how to get some of my confidence back.
My husband never initiates sex and constantly rejects me when I try to. He also turns me down whenever I try to touch him sexually. He tries to do it in a joking way, telling me I'm tickling him, or that my hands are cold or makes up excuses that he is too busy (just to sometimes go to the living room and play video games) or that he prefers to do it in the evening, and in the evening he says he had forgotten, he's too tired now, or too busy still. (He plays videos games 5 to 10 hours a day so he does have time).
I talked to him about it today but he told me that the reason why he is never in the mood is because he does intermittent fasting and that stops his sexual desires. But I know it is not true because it was the case before the fasting started and he even admitted to struggling to stop watching porn on a daily basis.
He has got a porn addiction and porn has replaced me.
However, he got offended and upset because in his words I am not supportive and don't understand his struggle. As according to him he watches porn daily but doesn't want to.
He also told me that although he turns me down for sex he enjoyed my company. That was actually another blow to my self confidence as, to me, it means he is not sexually attracted to me.
He also implied I was bad in bed.
I gave him alternatives (like me giving him pleasure when he wants to, doesnt have to always pleasure me, so that he doesnt have to always watch porn for a quick fix) but he doesn't even want that.
I feel so ugly and undesirable.
I keep on top of my hygiene, frequently upgrade my wardrobe, went to the hairdresser, invest in good quality makeup, put on perfume. My weight is healthy.
However, I'm very flat chested, I am mixed race and have weird combinations of features, very pale skin and dark afro hair (for which I was bullied a lot growing up) and dark eyes. People always stare, he notices, and it really embarasses me.
He doesn't want me to do anything else to fix myself up though. I wanted to get fillers, microblade my eyebrows or get hair extensions, but he is adamant I don't and refuses, so I am stuck in limbo between not feeling attractive and not being able to do anything to fix that.