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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

All new territory

11 replies

MummaMinxi · 24/04/2022 21:50

So, after a failed attempt to leave back in 2021, I have finally managed to end my abusive relationship for good - I just hit the 1 month mark since the separation.
It's clear it was an emotionally & mentally abusive relationship but he has never actually accepted that nor have I involved the police but my mental health team & kids school are aware I have left the relationship & what I suffered, so authortive people are aware.
After a couple of weeks of him begging & pleading to come home, me refusing, him getting nasty then a day or so later apologising & going in circles a few times, he seems to finally accepted that I've ended it (somewhat).
He tells me he still wants to be with me but if what I need right now is to be friends then he can accept that. Says he's not giving up hope on me, always love me - I know this could just be him trying to manipulate me & I'm not engaging with it but this is the 1st year that the family holiday, for the kids, will be with separated parents.
He says he's happy to go as a family unit with us being friends which for me, in the perfect world would be great but I'm not sure.
This is all new to me so I guess I'm looking for advice on whether stuff like a family holiday can be done with separated parents? What about if one of us has a partner by then - like is it fair to expect new partner to be okay with us going on a family holiday?
I'm probably over thinking but I just want to do things the right way for the kids sakes.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 24/04/2022 21:53

No, no, no. Don’t go away with an abusive ex partner. You would be giving him hope that you could get back together.
You have separate lives now, and worked hard to get there, keep it separate.

Jamboree01 · 24/04/2022 21:54

From experience, he hasn’t accepted anything. He’s trying to manipulate you to get a foot back in the door. He wants an element of control and allowing him to go on a family holiday will be a green light to him (in my opinion).

You’ve done the hardest part for very valid reasons. He can take the children on a holiday with him if he chooses to (again only my opinion).

I can’t see any positives from allowing him access to you.

Original poster
MummaMinxi · 24/04/2022 22:03

KangarooKenny · 24/04/2022 21:53

No, no, no. Don’t go away with an abusive ex partner. You would be giving him hope that you could get back together.
You have separate lives now, and worked hard to get there, keep it separate.

I am in two minds, and right now I've not given him a definite answer and as the holiday isn't until August, I have a little while left before telling him my decision.
I'm I'm a good place mentally right now, so am not falling for the current loving attitude he has, and have been keeping it purely about the kids in conversations. I just want to get it right, my biggest worry is the kids getting hurt anymore xx

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 24/04/2022 22:05

The kids might get mixed up if you go away together. Isn’t it best to keep it separate now ?

Original poster
MummaMinxi · 24/04/2022 22:05

Jamboree01 · 24/04/2022 21:54

From experience, he hasn’t accepted anything. He’s trying to manipulate you to get a foot back in the door. He wants an element of control and allowing him to go on a family holiday will be a green light to him (in my opinion).

You’ve done the hardest part for very valid reasons. He can take the children on a holiday with him if he chooses to (again only my opinion).

I can’t see any positives from allowing him access to you.

I think I'm still living hope that he's changed. I'm secure in my decision & will not go back to him again, it's taken me months to have the strength & courage to leave so I'm not wasting all that - I just want to do things right so the kids don't get anymore hurt than they already have.
I see sometimes that ex's can do the family unit thing well but I guess the fact that it was abusive may mean the rules are different for me. Xx

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 24/04/2022 22:05

No, don’t do it. You need to be distancing yourself as much as you can, being friends does not work. You’re at the trying to be amicable stage with him now, but he’ll only play nice as long as he gets what he wants. He still wants you dancing to his tune, he’s just realized he has to do it from a bit further away, but be under no illusions, that is what he’s doing and what he’ll continue to do, and he won’t stop until you put an end to it once and for all. I know it’s hard and you’ll be riddled with all sorts of guilt, but rip the plaster off now, otherwise this will drag on and on, and it will never get easier no matter how long it does because he’ll never react well to losing control of you. you need to keep him well out of your life. Only communicate with him when it’s absolutely necessary. it’s not gonna be nice and he’s not gonna like it, but he’s not gonna like it whenever you do it, and it will never end if you don’t.

make a note of any boundary you set with him, then see how long he takes to push it, then you’ll see what I mean.

Original poster
MummaMinxi · 24/04/2022 22:08

KangarooKenny · 24/04/2022 22:05

The kids might get mixed up if you go away together. Isn’t it best to keep it separate now ?

They're all of an age where they have witnessed the abuse, (to a certain extent),have an understanding of why I ended the relationship and all seem quite clear that we have separated for good.
I have quite an open relationship with each of them, so have had lots of talks around this subject xx

OP posts:
Original poster
MummaMinxi · 24/04/2022 22:10

Itwasntmeright · 24/04/2022 22:05

No, don’t do it. You need to be distancing yourself as much as you can, being friends does not work. You’re at the trying to be amicable stage with him now, but he’ll only play nice as long as he gets what he wants. He still wants you dancing to his tune, he’s just realized he has to do it from a bit further away, but be under no illusions, that is what he’s doing and what he’ll continue to do, and he won’t stop until you put an end to it once and for all. I know it’s hard and you’ll be riddled with all sorts of guilt, but rip the plaster off now, otherwise this will drag on and on, and it will never get easier no matter how long it does because he’ll never react well to losing control of you. you need to keep him well out of your life. Only communicate with him when it’s absolutely necessary. it’s not gonna be nice and he’s not gonna like it, but he’s not gonna like it whenever you do it, and it will never end if you don’t.

make a note of any boundary you set with him, then see how long he takes to push it, then you’ll see what I mean.

Thank you so much for the advice. I think I'm still at a stage where I want him to have changed when deep down I know that won't actually happen....I need as much advice as possible, I'm quite alone in regards to support around me so any advice is welcome right now!
I'm definitely going to set a boundary, as you suggested and see how that goes - if anything it will prove to myself that he hasn't changed at all.

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 24/04/2022 22:21

Well, look at it this way, he’s tried several different methods to get you back under his control, and when they failed he’s now trying to use guilt over the kids and the holiday. This is entirely predictable behavior, using every single tactic he can think of to get under your skin. Every single tactic you rebuff he’ll come up with another. You can count them, you’re probably up to five already.

Original poster
MummaMinxi · 24/04/2022 22:45

Itwasntmeright · 24/04/2022 22:21

Well, look at it this way, he’s tried several different methods to get you back under his control, and when they failed he’s now trying to use guilt over the kids and the holiday. This is entirely predictable behavior, using every single tactic he can think of to get under your skin. Every single tactic you rebuff he’ll come up with another. You can count them, you’re probably up to five already.

I can see now you make me think about it - at the beginning it was just outright begging, saying sorry & he'll change.
Next came the nasty threatening me stage, nearly got to the point of calling police but he pulled back once I told him I would, then I caught Covid & was poorly on the day he came to see kids - he 'looked' after me that day & stayed overnight but I had a burst if energy, sent him away so he went nasty again.
After that he apologised again but then told me he was with an ex to get me angry, but now we're back to him being nice & talking about the holiday.

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 25/04/2022 10:16
  1. 1. Begging, poor me.
  2. 2. Threatening you
  3. 3. Being nice to you when you’re ill to remind you how much you need him
  4. 4. Being nasty because he was nice to you when you were ill.
  5. 5. Trying to make you feel guilty that the kids will miss out on their family holiday. The kids would’ve had a family holiday if he hadn’t been such an unremitting bastard all these years, don’t forget that.
Next will be nasty and guilt tripping again, and if you ignore that you’ll have another one to add to your list. Just be aware of which of your buttons he’s trying to press, it’s all very predictable when you know what to look out for.

Say no to the holiday sooner rather than later. Don’t delay, because every time you delay it gives him cause to think he’s got a chance.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft yet? If you haven’t, make sure you do, it will be very enlightening.

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