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lack of trust = end of relationship?
eefs · 29/10/2002 14:37
This is my first time to post, but have been a long time reader of the board. I?ve found it immensely helpful when some problems have come up with my ds (2 yrs), someone else always seems to have encountered the same problems and the advice offered has always helped. I?ve now got a relationship problem of my own and am hoping that maybe someone can offer any help.
I met my dp three years ago and although we hadn?t intended getting so serious so quickly, the arrival of ds meant that things moved at a faster pace than probably best. I changed jobs to be closer to both dp and my family, we bought a house together and things have been great. I have always wondered if ds had not arrived would we still be together, but I?ve never had any reason to think otherwise.
When we were together for 3 months, I kissed a work colleague drunkenly, immediately regretted it and told dp, he was obviously not impressed (I wasn?t exactly thrilled with myself either), but we dealt with it and it was forgotten.
However this weekend, we were out with friends, and the colleague?s name came up in conversation, bringing up all the bad memories for both of us. When we got home that night we had a blazing argument about it during which dp called me names I would never have expected to hear from him. That really shocked me. He seems to think that I have not told him the full truth and things went a lot further than I admitted to. They didn?t, I told him everything that happened and for goodness sake it was three years ago and we were barely going out (not trying to justify it, just put it in context). The argument finished with us breaking up.
Since then I?ve slept in the spare room, we haven?t spoken and I?m trying to think what would be the best thing to do. I don?t want to leave, but I can?t forget what dp said in the course of the argument. It replays in my head and I feel sick knowing that?s what he thinks of me.
Financially I could cope on my own, I have a good job and supportive family, but I don?t want ds to lose his family. Emotionally though, I don?t know if I can forget the things said and the lack of trust. I know I did wrong, but 1) we had already dealt with this and 2)dp doesn?t trust me if he thinks that I?m not telling the full story and 3) it happened before we had committed to each other in any way. We?ll probably talk about it tonight, but I?m so confused about what to do. I hope I?m explaining myself well here, please let me know if you have any opinions/advice.
knackerood · 29/10/2002 15:11
Hello Eefs and welcome,I think your dp has a lot of explaining to do IMO he completely overreacted.Is something else bothering him I wonder? To react like that and attack you verbally he is either an insanely jealous person or was drunk/tired etc and will apologise.This was 3 yr's ago after all and you are right to put it in perspective here,you had only been going out 3 months.I got off with someone 3 months into my relationship with dh,now we have been together for 13 years.I never told him though and never will either,I don't see the point,it was nothing.Wait until later and see how he is now he has had chance to calm down.If he hasn't calmed down and apologised I'd seriously consider whether you want to be with a man such as that.
WideWebWitch · 29/10/2002 21:38
eefs, it doesn't sound to me as if you did anything that terrible: you kissed someone, 3 years ago when you'd only been together 3 months! That's not divorce material in my book. Is there something else? It does sound like he's very insecure and this mention of colleague's name recently was a catalyst (or excuse) for him to fly off the handle. I think you need to get to the bottom of it. Sorry, not very useful I don't suppose but good luck.
Bozza · 29/10/2002 21:42
It does seem as if this has been bothering him beneath the surface and that you need to get to the bottom of it if you are to move on. What makes him think it went further than you did? Are you sure he really meant this or did the row escalate out of control and he added it for effect?
Chinchilla · 29/10/2002 21:43
IMO your first mistake was in telling him! As you say, it was a drunken kiss, and you had only been seeing each other for 3 months. Yes, he has overreacted, but I'll bet that he was drunk, and all the hurt was inside fizzing away, ready to burst out at the right (wrong!) time. I personally would rather not know if my dh ever did anything like that, because a kiss means so little in the grand scheme of things.
Of course you can deal with this. Your dp is just hurt. You thought that both of you had dealt with it, but he obviously hadn't. My dh has said some HORRIBLE things during the course of arguments, and so have I come to think of it. You just have to remember that you hurt him, and he now wants to hurt you - simple! I'm SURE that he doesn't actually think the you are any of the things that he called you, otherwise he would not have stayed.
This is just my opinion, but I would do the following:
Tell him that you love him (if you do)
Don't apologise for the past incident. Just say that he knows that you regret it, and that you apologised for it at the time. (IMO You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life apologising for it, but don't say that bit!)
Move back into the bedroom. You probably compounded the hurt that he was feeling by rejecting him in this way, and this could be stopping him apologising for his comments.
He probably doesn't trust you 100%, and trust, once lost, is impossible to regain. However, he will have to learn to live with that if he wants to be with you.
Speak to him. Stay calm, and don't take offence at anything he says. Just remember that he is trying to get the upper hand in his own eyes, because you have made him feel bad about himself, and probably insecure. Good luck. You have done nothing BAD, just something that probably 50% of us have done at one time or another, or have wanted to do when drunk!
eefs · 30/10/2002 09:48
Hi, thanks everyone for the advise. Even just writing it out yesterday made things a bit clearer. We talked last night, it was fustrating because dp didn't open up in any way and was still harping on about the kiss. he wants to go through it again and I don't see that as serving any purpose so I refused (maybe I should have been entertained him).
you're all correct in saying that he/we were very drunk when we had the argument and he did apologise last night, I'm still a bit shocked, but I can't say i'd never say things I don't mean either, so I'll get over it.
anyway, I told him I want a bit of time and am going to stay in the spare room for another few nights. I don't think this is all related to the arguement, I need to be sure that I'm with him for him and not because of ds. I've been reading other threads, and the idea of writing a letter to him with all/any issues i think we have because we are both terrible at talking (neither of us would have ever made the debate team!). Hopefully we can talk it through and get past this. I do love him, he's a great father and I know he loves me, but I am unsure of the in-love bit. how necessary is that in a settled relationship?
anyway thanks again for the help.
btw I also think i was a bit naive in my honesty, i should never have said anything!!
LucieB · 14/05/2003 11:14
Am having trust issues with my dp at the moment. We have been married for 3 years but recently I found an email on his PC from a girl at work who he says was obsessed by him. I know he had a letter from her and a while back he dismissed it saying he was never interested. So why has he been emailing her? He had an affair when we had just got married and am scared it is going to happen again. DD is 2 and I feel really really paranoid.
kaz33 · 14/05/2003 12:11
Eeefs - I always the in-love bit comes and goes.
We have been together for 7 years and over that time we have good and bad bits. Every now and then I find myself falling in love with him again, it always makes our relationship stronger for the bits in between when we just get on and function as a couple and family.
No one, though maybe there are some mumsnetter exceptions, spend there whole relationship in some blissful bubble.
Even if you are not in love at the moment - it doesn't mean that you won't be again. I always measure it by, is DP willing to try when things go pear shaped. If we both are then we can sort out whatever the problem is and move on.
Your drunken kiss sounds like one of those things - a catalyst for a few required changes in your relationship that will make you stronger as a couple.
Mum2Toby · 14/05/2003 12:25
LucieB - I think you have every right to be pissed off with him. And I'd be paranoid too with his previous affair.
Does he know you have seen this email? Is his email openly available for you look at whenever you like, or was it just by chance that you noticed it?
eefs · 14/05/2003 13:45
Kaz33, thanks for your message, like you say it was a catalyst for changes in our relationship. An update - we've sorted loads out, DP was very insecure at the time (probably still is, I don't think that can be changed easily) which was why he was focusing on a non-issue, but things are much better now, we are very happy together, and baby #2 is on the way (we are both a bit shocked at this development!).
LucieB, do you know your DH has been mailing this girl? IMO that's a different ballgame from just receiving unsolicited emails from her. The previous affair does not help his case at all either. Do you think it'd be best to confront him or to wait awhile until you know more about this?
LucieB · 14/05/2003 14:22
I confronted him when I saw the email and he said it was just an unsolicited email. However he recently cleared his inbox and left that one in his inbox, something I find strange if she means nothing to him.
The previous affair was a big big deal - it had gone on for about 2 years before I found out and I still find it really hard to talk about it to him. He always turns things back on me.
I am sure he probably has a hotmail account that I know nothing about, so it would be easy for him to lie to me with impugnity.
I so want to be able to trust him but every now and then something crops up which throws me back into the realms of doubt and paranoia again.
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