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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really stressed due to friend

36 replies

bebarkered · 24/04/2022 20:49

I have a friend who I've known for ten years. She lives 140 miles from me so we only meet in person on overseas holidays.
We call each other a lot. It's a case of I listen to her mainly, she's always asking for advice about a guy she's obsessed with and I oblige. I stay on the phone to her for anywhere between 4 - 8 hours each time to allow her to talk about this issue.
She also has me bidding for clothes, shoes, handbags, perfume and skincare on sites such as Vinted and Ebay. I do all the searching, messaging sellers, and I pay for all her items and she gives it me back £10 per month approximately. She won't do online shopping as doesn't trust her card details being given to any site.

She doesn't listen to me when I'm talking, and, when I point this out to her she says you've hurt me. She does suffer from anxiety, so, when I pull her up on it she says it's all down to her anxiety. I always 'fall soft' with her when she says she gets offhand with me due to her anxiety.
I wondered what any of you think about this?

OP posts:
HeadToToesNo · 24/04/2022 20:51

What are you getting out of this friendship? I think it sounds like you should take a step back from her.

Tania64 · 24/04/2022 20:51

It's a one sided 'friendship'. I wouldn't want to have a friend like that.

Cherrysoup · 24/04/2022 20:52

I think she’s taking the piss and I’d be withdrawing. How do you have 4-8 hours to talk to her? She doesn’t mind you risking your cards but won’t risk hers and you run round doing all the work? I say stop being a doormat, OP.

Original poster
bebarkered · 24/04/2022 20:52

A little companionship. And, you're right. Thank you

OP posts:
MadamOracle · 24/04/2022 20:54

What do I think? I think it’s ridiculous. It’s all give on your part and all take on hers. On the phone for 4-8 hours? Are you serious? That is a ludicrous amount of time to spend on the phone with anyone. And you’re doing all her eBaying and stuff for her too? She’s playing you for a right fool.

This ‘friendship’ is toxic. Get out!

oliviastwisted · 24/04/2022 20:56

Are you ready to move on OP?

You must get something out of it to be still going along with her behaviour but it sounds like a very one sided friendship. It sounds very unhealthy for you.

Ilikewinter · 24/04/2022 21:00

Im sorry but you spend 4-8 hours on the phone ..... who on earth can speak for that length of time. The situation is ridiculous and its not what Id call a friendship im afraid. Id stop answering her calls and definately wouldnt be buying her items off ebay etc.

Original poster
bebarkered · 24/04/2022 21:01

My first reply was to HeadToToesNo x

OP posts:
Original poster
bebarkered · 24/04/2022 21:02

Thanks Tania64

OP posts:
42isthemeaning · 24/04/2022 21:04

You sound like a very lovely person, but I think that your friend is really taking advantage of you. What is she like with you in person?

Original poster
bebarkered · 24/04/2022 21:04

Cherrysoup
She works part time. I work from home. Neither of us married nor have children. You're right about me being a doormat!

OP posts:
Original poster
bebarkered · 24/04/2022 21:12

Reply to you all 'in general'. Hope everyone will know who I'm referring to.
Not kidding about the length of the phone calls, honestly!
I'm going to need to fully come to terms with our friendship being toxic.
Not fully ready to move on from her.
She's better in person

OP posts:
tearinghairout · 24/04/2022 21:13

Evaluate what you get out of this friendship. Is the feeling like a doormat worth it? Someone MIL ranting on for 20 minutes is enough for me. Your friend doesn't sound interested in you. You are her (free) therapist. It would be fair enough if you decide you've had enough of this friendship and just not always respond to her calls, or give her ten minutes (or whatever) and then say I've got to go/cook/go out.

tearinghairout · 24/04/2022 21:14

I think it's really selfish to keep someone on the phone for that long. Could you do emails instead?

Georgeskitchen · 24/04/2022 21:19

Christ on a bike why are you putting up with this?

EmmaH2022 · 24/04/2022 21:23

OP
I really miss the days of long chats with friends

i'm a lonely soul right now, I know it can be hard to turn down what might look like a friendship

but you have to be so careful. Please stop doing this, for your sake.

btw I have anxiety and depression and it doesn't mean I need to take advantage of people.

ilikemethewayiam · 24/04/2022 21:27

Are you lonely OP? It can make you vulnerable to people like this.

WonderingWanda · 24/04/2022 21:28

Create some distance and boundaries in this relationship and start investing some time in finding some more companions through a new hobby or something. If you aren'r brave enough to be direect and tell her you value her friendship but you've had emough of the chores then when she asks you to do things be a bit vague...I will if I get time, then message later and say you ran out of time. Become unreliable and she will stop asking you for so much.

BettyNotVeronica · 24/04/2022 21:33

Friendship is give and take. Sounds like she's all take. What do you get from her? Does she make you happy? Is she there for you as you are for her? Take a step back. Find some positive friends close by so you can actually go out and have fun!

Hawkins001 · 24/04/2022 21:40

bebarkered · 24/04/2022 20:49

I have a friend who I've known for ten years. She lives 140 miles from me so we only meet in person on overseas holidays.
We call each other a lot. It's a case of I listen to her mainly, she's always asking for advice about a guy she's obsessed with and I oblige. I stay on the phone to her for anywhere between 4 - 8 hours each time to allow her to talk about this issue.
She also has me bidding for clothes, shoes, handbags, perfume and skincare on sites such as Vinted and Ebay. I do all the searching, messaging sellers, and I pay for all her items and she gives it me back £10 per month approximately. She won't do online shopping as doesn't trust her card details being given to any site.

She doesn't listen to me when I'm talking, and, when I point this out to her she says you've hurt me. She does suffer from anxiety, so, when I pull her up on it she says it's all down to her anxiety. I always 'fall soft' with her when she says she gets offhand with me due to her anxiety.
I wondered what any of you think about this?

Your a good soul op, sometimes people just want someone to listen, bit like With a psychologist, expect you don't charge for your time. A friend of mine is similar in the sense of likes to talk for hours, so I use headpones with microphone so I can still do x while chatting

LightGreyLight · 24/04/2022 22:02

As I’ve got a lot older I’ve learned - ANY friendship stress - back off! A repeat offender - end the friendship.

Admittedly it doesn’t leave me with much friendship but it’s still a relief for me. Saves my energy. Though this approach is not the same for everybody.

You are way too tolerant OP but I think you know that.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 24/04/2022 22:04

4 - 8 hours at a time? Wtf

WhereWasThatFrom · 25/04/2022 09:44

Do,you have other friends or family? Do they know how you behave with this friend? What do they think?
Why do you think you've let this carry on like this for so long?

jay55 · 25/04/2022 09:51

The online shopping thing is just rude. She's happy for you to risk your card but not her and treats you like you're her PA and klarna service all in one.

She wouldn't do the same for you.

Kat1953 · 25/04/2022 09:59

4-8 hours at a time?! That's insane!

Limit calls to 1 hour and no more ebay shopping for her.