Yes but no

[Mila14]

Met this amazing man while still married. He told his then wife about me unfortunately at the time he met me. We both divorced our partners. None of us was happy in our relationships obviously. However, the long shadow of the ex wife follows us. We’ve been on and off for the last 6 years. He could not plan time with me without wife knowing and it was too stressful on him.We now seem to be back on but there’s still the same level of secrecy about me. As if he was still married…I love him and he loves me too but after such a long time …do we have any future if the ex wife hears he’s still dating me?
We all know when our marriages are failing but it is convenient for her to pin the end of her marriage on me…not on her relationship with her then husband.
I feel there’s no future although he tells me he loves me very much. He knows my kids and many of my friends. I know only 1 friend on his side.
I’m at a great time in my life in every aspect and feel I no longer want to be a secret but every time I try to leave him…We get back together and have awesome time . Some friends think it’s a good arrangement if I am happy while with him but I just want a normal relationship and being able to plan holidays together without fuss about ex wife knowing he’s with me…I know his ex wife is a lovely woman too but she can’t help the way she feels about me.
We love each other dearly but his ex wife will never accept him being with me…I have tried to date other guys… but my heart is not in it…

Is this how you want to feel for the next 5 years or so?
wouldn’t you rather be with someone who is not this person, who treats you like a person not a secret ?
why is he listening to and taking into account his ex wife’s feelings and not putting you as his priority?

I wouldn’t wait around and be treated like this, it’s not right

He's divorced in name only. On and off for six years sounds exhausting, and it will probably carry on this way. Up to you to decide if that's OK for you.

Nail it on the head…you are totally right…

If he's actually divorced from this woman, why would he care if she knew he was dating you? After all these years, that's just absurd. I would be very suspicious, and I would be telling him to fuck off. You've wasted enough precious time, don't you think?

I agree, I wouldn’t be treated like this either.
And he’s a fool for letting the ex pull his strings.

He feels responsible he cheated on her with me. She’s also the mum of his only son. He adores his son. She has threatened to tell said son he met me while married. It’s a hard one. He’s also weak …I know…but in my head, I can’t see myself finding someone better…I consider him the man of my life…although I now veer between loving him and feeling repulsion…I know this has to stop

You reap what you sow, OP. Neither of you deserve to be happy in a relationship that's based on deceit.

You met him at a time when you were vulnerable. I wonder if your feelings for him are a manifestation of the vulnerability you were feeling at the time. I wonder if you're also trying to prove to yourself that this man is right for you by continually taking him back. I'm sorry to be brutal but it doesn't sound like a good relationship. I think you might be as well drawing a line underneath it and learning from experience.

Ignore this OP

Your boyfriend has one foot in your relationship and one in his relationship with his (ex?) wife.
He hasn't put boundaries in place and is still entangled there - way beyond what is normal with co parenting adults.

His weakness has already marginalised you, which seems to have eroded your self esteem.

He is 100% allowing this. A stronger ( grown up!) person would have created more distance between him and his ex years ago.

Absolutely brutal post. The fact that you marry someone does not mean you own her or him forever. It’s a 2 people thing. At least I am not bitter and don’t regret a thing…

Thank you so much spotcheck…I was alluding to mycatisannoying vile message

She’s also the mum of his only son.

You missed this piece of information out of the OP. Which is incredibly telling. It's all about you and him. But he was leaving a family, not a wife. And you never really leave a family.

Thank you friedtomatoe…spot on. I was very vulnerable and unhappy in my marriage then and seeking the way to end it

spotcheck is correct …this ongoing situation eroded my self esteem

We are all older and in the second part of our life. We all have kids and failed marriages behind. Of course you also left out I am a mum too with an ex husband. We are not the same people we were 20 years ago. His ex will always be family. My ex will too. What does that have to do with starting a new relationship? weird…We all make out homework and divorce is hard on both our families. Better divorced than living a huge lie though

Answering mrsterrypratchet…

Are you 100% sure he's not shagging her? It sounds very much like he's got two women on the go.

I have zero sympathy for cheaters, being a child in a family destroyed by cheating. I have every sympathy with a bitter ex wife. I don't think it's right that should have power over the relationships that come after though. This man is messing you around now and how on earth you've put up with it for 6 years is bonkers. Get rid and get some self respect. You could find a lovely single man who wants you to be a part of his life, not hide you away from a bitter ex wife.

What does that have to do with starting a new relationship? weird…

You both made the end messy. So the start was messy too.

And you picked someone who likes to have his cake and eat it. He did it with her, he's doing it with you. Hardly surprising.