Feel so much resentment towards DH

[JohnDeereTractor]

Looking for advice/perspective please.

I'm a SAHM to DD 18 months and DH WFH self employed. I do the majority for DD, not just during the working week but also mornings and evenings and weekends, and suddenly in spite of being very happily married for 7 years, together 12, I'm angry at him all the time.

Last weekend I had a big rant at him about me dealing with all of DD's early wakings, with me getting up with her when she woke circa 5.30 and him staying in bed until maybe 7.30, then getting ready uninhibited by toddler before starting work around 8.30. After the rant he got up with her for a few days but fast forward to this weekend and I've done the last four mornings.

The icing on the cake was that last night we had a "date night" at my suggestion, where I cooked us a fancier meal after DD was in bed. DH has gout which is flaring up at the mo and so he read with his foot up while I cleaned up the kitchen, which is obviously fine. When I was done he didn't offer to stop reading so our date night was just the meal and then him reading until we went to bed. I cried and told him I feel really unloved and unappreciated and he basically said he doesn't mean to make me feel like that, and we went to sleep. But then this morning even though DD slept through until 7 I was the one getting up with her. I brought it up AGAIN and he penitently did the lunch dishes but given I did them yesterday while he played on his computer then it's not the grand gesture he thinks it is.

Thoughts appreciated, I'm feeling brimming with resentment.

Go back to work?

He probably doesn't mean to make you feel unloved. He's maybe just a bit thoughtless. Why not have a rota for the early wakings?

Thanks for suggestion: I love being at home with DD and also unfortunately don't have a proper career to go back to (was working as a private tutor, teaching students at my house which isn't compatible with family life!).

@Magnoliayellowbird I think you're right, I'm just fed up with him being thoughtless!! A rota is such a brilliant and obvious idea, thank you.

I feel the same with my DH. I’m a sahm and resent getting up with our kids every day because he sleeps through the noise. It’s hard as because he works full time it’s not clear if I’m being unfair as he has to work. But he doesn’t start til 9am and he works from home. Surely I deserve to stay in bed sometimes whilst he gets up and feeds DC?

i read a book a few months back called How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. It did help and he understood. Maybe I should give it another read.

Why didn’t you ask him to stop reading last night, before the evening was finished, rather than waiting to cry about it when it was too late for him to do anything about it? I suspect you’re annoyed at the unfair division of child care and are using other situations to compound your point. Nip the childcare issues in the bud now by communicating. Eg, don’t get up with your daughter next weekend then sulk, wake him up and tell him to get up with her!

Just refuse to get up on weekends. If he isn't going to get up and help during the week then fine - he can do Saturday and Sundays from now on.stand your ground.

I think when you are a STAHM facilitated by a higher earning husband/partner then to be able to have the privilege of that then yes that does mean the majority/if not all of the night wakings and early mornings should be done by you but this is MN where women think their men should go out to work and pay all the bills and then also do 50/50 childcare and housework.

The date night is a different matter entirely and yes I'd be disappointed with his lack of effort in that respect

If you do explicitly discuss/write up who does what, which seems a good plan, your H should participate equally in doing that - don’t take on a ‘project manager’ role! As that’ll just add to your mental load.

SAH is only sensible with a DH who respects you and your time/available energy highly. Your DH’s behaviour is showing you that he doesn’t.

If your last job won’t now work would seek something that does.

On night / early morning parenting IMO that’s primarily a health and safety issue. If only one parent (pretty much always the father) does none and DC regularly needs a lot of parenting at those times, it’s probable that the other, doing it all, will feel exhausted and their wellbeing and/or health will be negatively affected.

Good fathers and partners don’t want that to happen to their partner.