How do 'grown ups' date?

[PeapodBurgundy]

I've separated from my DC's Dad, he takes them one weekend a month. I've been lonely for years, so figured I would try dating for a bit of companionship, and something enjoyable to do on the weekends when I'm actually able to go and do what I please. (In time a sex life wouldn't go amiss either).

I've joined an online dating site, and realised I have no idea how to deal with this any more. I've never been particularly confident, but when I was young and childless, it seemed so much less complicated and scary than it does now.

I have precious little in the way of conversation a lot of the time, I don't do much that I can use to initiate a conversation, and many people don't fill in their profiles properly, so it's impossible a lot of the time to take the 'common interest' approach.

I'm also conscious of my body now compared to what it was like last time I was single. I've lost weight recently, and I'm still losing, and I'm starting to try and tone things up a bit, however it's never going to be pretty. When I was with their Dad, it didn't feel so bad, as the changes to my body were as a result of growing, birthing, breastfeeding and raising our DC, but nobody else going forward is going to have the consolation of the DC to make up for the wonky boobs, stretchmarks and soft/wobbly bits.

I have absolutely no idea how to approach dating now I'm not 21 and carefree. Anyone else feel this way and manage to get it into some kind of workable perspective?

Firstly I have to say that all of your concerns about your body will not matter to any decent bloke. I was exactly the same as you when I started dating after my LTR ended. I dreaded the thought of taking my clothes off with a new person. But, I can honestly say you have nothing to worry about!!! I will say though, you need to approach online dating with an open mind because its an absolute minefield and although I did manage to date a couple of guys I met, its pretty horrific in my opinion.

The men OLD who haven't filled their profile in properly are the first ones to avoid - they are not taking it seriously so can't be bothered, or they have things to hide. So that's your first filter with OLD, there are many others. I put a minimum word limit on, to weed out the 'how's you' brigade. No reply to people referring to pics only and not anything in my profile.
You will find by doing such, there is slim pickings left, put they are potentially the few good ones out there, and they are the ones worthy of meeting.

BTW, seeing a lovely chap from OLD at the moment. So much in common its spooky at times, but met/wasted time talking to a lot of duds to start with as I wasn't as picky then.

It really is about confidence you know.

If you have issues with your body it's only within your power to change them. If you don't like it, change it.

But as for dating, just have fun. Go in with the goal of having fun.

You devise the dates. So pick something YOU want to do, such as a meal and a movie or whatever and invite the guy out. Go halves, and have fun with them.

If something comes of it then great, if not your goal was to have fun and you did.

You can't take it too seriously.

Thanks for the replies. The filtering advice is helpful!

I'm not looking to jump into another serious/long term relationship. As it stands, I'm not sure if I'll ever want that. Right now, my ideal situation would be to find somebody with similar interests to spend some time with. I want companionship primarily, if it naturally evolves into more, so be it, but I'm not actively seeking that at the moment.

I must admit I'd forgotten the amount of utter shite you have to wade through with OLD. I've yet to have an unsolicited or indeed any dick pic, which used to happen multiple times a day last time, so that's a bonus!

I've not replied to any 'hey hows you' type messages, I've been honest with myself in setting the filters of who can contact me and who comes up in searches, and not made contact with anyone who hasn't got something in their profile that interests me. As PP said, that's really narrowed the field, but I'm more than fine with that. I stayed with ex even though I knew he was unsuitable for reasons I won't go into, and I have no intention of even casually dating somebody if I don't think we can both make each other happy. (I've also had a message from an ex employer, who recognised me, that was somewhat horrific!)

Body issues I'm working on, and I look the best I have in years, and I'm still working on it (although admittedly I think I need to work on the psychological side of body issues as well as the physical).

There is no 'approach'. Having an 'approach method' would mean that you were amending your behaviour. The first rule of dating is, as it's always been, be yourself.

As for confidence, you're meeting them to see if you like them, not to see if they like you. You're not putting yourself on display in the hope that somebody will accept you if you act right. You're shopping. You're looking at what's available, doing a broad search, and you keep browsing and leaving people on the shelf for others to enjoy, until you find one you don't want to let go of.