Co-parenting with an ex who deeply hurt you/betrayed uou

[Singlemummy2]

would love to hear anyone’s experience of having to co parent with someone who deeply hurt you and betrayed your trust. My ex husband and I split 2 years ago where I got the shock of my life that he had been cheating on me for over a year. It was the classic ‘script’ and I feel like to whole life and marriage had been a life. We now share 50/50 childcare with our 2 young sons. I find it so difficult co parenting with him, I don’t want to be around him or speak to him, if we didn’t have kids I would not speak to him again. He thinks I should just brush it under the carpet for the boys sake and be friends, I don’t think I can do that. Don’t get me wrong I am civil in front of the children but we are not friends and I find it especially hard when he tries to be nice or friendly to me as I think about why he couldn’t have been nice to me at the end of our marriage (he turned very nasty and uncaring and cold).
am I doing something wrong by not being ‘friends’ as he would like? I want to do right by my children but I also need to protect myself too as I’ve tried to build myself back up after our divorce.
we communicate by text usually, i share all important information and facilitate FaceTime calls between him and the children. I don’t do family days out which he has asked for (he never took part in family days even when we were together). He thinks I’m being unreasonable but I don’t really want to have to explain to him that I find being around him hard after all he has done to me

Not at all U to not want to be ‘friends’, do joint days out etc

U not to speak to him by phone or face to face about the DC, with suitable boundaries, eg set day/time unless stuff is urgent.

on the emotional side counselling might be good if you haven’t tried that already.

No need to explain your feelings and thoughts to him, a simple ‘no, I won’t be doing that’ will work, and assertiveness tools like ‘broken record’ if he pushes

So basically he's still two years after cheating, a selfish, entitled little man child who thinks you should just suck it up for the sake of the children.

As long as you are civil in front of the children, and always communicate re the children's needs you crack on.

You don't need to be friendly and pander to him.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. My parents split and then did the whole ‘family days out’ thing and it’s a totally head fuck for the children never mind potentially one or both of the adults involved.

He doesn’t get to demand your friendship after treating you like shit. You owe him nothing. You’re doing everything required for the amicable co parenting relationship that will benefit your kids. Beyond that he just wants the comforting ego stroke of feeling you still like him and he doesn’t want any reminders of his awful past behaviour that might risk making him feel guilty.

Fuck that. Retain your boundaries, get on with your life and let him find someone else to be friends with.

You definitely do not have to be friends or do days out, don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you must do so. I would keep contact very minimal. Only contact unless there is a direct emergency with the kids or when arranging pick ups/drop offs. This will protect you emotionally in the long run. You’re doing a great job.

I'll add this sounds like he's trying to alleviate his guilt. If he can get you playing ball he can pretend that the breakdown of his family was for the good of all 'look how happy we all are' bs!!!

You're doing absolutely the right thing not allowing it.

I've been in exact same situation. ExH had an affair, left for OW then expected to be mates.

My advice would be to stand firm, concentrate on your new life with your sons and remember you don't owe ExH anything more than a civil coparenting set up.

Get your contact schedules settled as far in advance as possible, don't engage in any unnecessary contact.

I am7 years along the line now and my DC are at an age where they can text their dad so he and I barely speak. I like it that way. I'm remarried to an amazing man and we have another child together.

Nope, you don’t have to do family days out with your cheating ex.
It sounds like you’re doing really well handling this. You don’t need to forgive him and you don’t need to like him. You need to keep communication about the children open and not slag him off in front of the kids. Which you’re doing. Take the kids on your own family days out and let them tell you happy stories about family days out with dad.

Do you have set visitation, pick up, drop off times?
You could try moving to a parenting app so he can't just randomly text your when he feels like it.

Sounds like you are doing a great job to hide it from your kids. That's the most important thing.

Of course you don't have to do days out and I would be inclined to tell him why.

Have you thought of using a co-parenting app? It takes out the personal contact a bit more and everything child related is recorded on one app. You can share a calendar and messages on that instead... I think it will enforce a boundary a bit more

Good luck, you're doing a fab job!

"Be friends" he can fuck off. I've been horribly betrayed and being friends is not an option.
I would make it crystal clear that after his betrayal you have no intention of being his friend. Email, text and no contact hand over only.
Just because he wants to pretend everything is great doesn't mean you have to. He can tell you any child related news by email.
So long as you don't involve the kids then there is nothing wrong with that.
The sooner boundaries are put in place the better.

Thanks for all your responses, it’s made me feel a bit better and justified in my boundaries. Sometimes I do feel sad that we can’t be friendlier for the kids sake but I remind myself that that is his fault and not mine.
we do have a set parenting plan and schedule and it works well. I don’t actually mind him texting me asking about the boys because it means it’s fairly flexible that way when they kids aren’t with me. I’m happy for him to FaceTime everyday they’re with me if he wants and the boys like that (it’s a fairly short call as they are still young). My ex husband would love to chit chat when he calls to collect them and tries to ask me about my work, extended family etc but I usually just deflect that (but this is the type of thing he then uses as an example as to how I’m being unreasonable “I try chatting to you and you just ignore me”). I don’t allow him into my house and I don’t go into his, I text all appointments as they come in but I don’t chase him to go, he contacts the school directly himself etc

Days out!!!! That wouldn't end well.

He lost his right to your friendship when he treated you so badly.

As long as you are civil regarding kids then he deserves no more. The audacity of him to try and say you are being unfair!

Yeah, you’re not at all U on those boundaries.

I've learnt to grit my teeth and put on a smiley face for my DC. No family days out, he's still with the OW who he was living a double wife with for 6 years so that would be fun, not!
It will get easier and your life will move on to the point that you will just laugh internally at his sorry state of an ass as he drops the DC off.
When the DC are old enough to arrange their own time with him then it will get easier still. It's not easy, but it will be...

He doesn’t deserve your friendship. Stick with your boundaries.

Well done for sticking with your boundaries. I’m in the same boat, with kids age 3 and 8 and an alcoholic ex who is a narcissist. He gets angry when I’m not friendly, when I blocked him on social media etc. and says it’s bad for the kids. But I am so much happier with these clear boundaries - you’re doing the right thing so just stick with it.
I find communicating by email unless it’s urgent/immediate is best. I also now email things like photos from holidays etc to a shared email address so I’m not emailing ‘him’ which seems to invite conversation. I’m very civil in front of the children, never bad mouth him to them and always facilitate access. That’s all he can ask for.

My ex used to do the same. I think it's a guilt thing.

I just never answered him or just answered with "fine".

Grey rock

Family days out! Is he insane?! I think you need a serious chat re your expectations versus his. He is being ridiculous.