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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't get over my boyfriend cheated on me

13 replies

annonymooze · 24/04/2022 04:19

I have a long distance relationship and I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me about 3 years ago. I won't be able to know it if the girl didn't find me through Facebook messenger when they broke up. She didn't even know that I am his girlfriend because he told her that I am his sister. I did talk to him about it and after some argument I forgave him and continued the relationship.

Last 2 years I flew to the state where he lives for work and I started living with him. That was when I found out more about him and his ex when I accidentally saw some traces left in his phone. I texted her again and everything got revealed instantly. I didn't blame the girl cause I knew it was my boyfriend who started it. I was so angry and very disappointed. I was hurt because almost everything he told me was a lie. We argued again and due to the pandemic I wasn't able to get out of the house. He didn't want to leave either so we were sleeping at separate rooms and barely see with each other as we locked ourselves in our own room. I was so stressed and cried every night. Didn't have anybody to talk to and wasn't able to focus on my work. Guess I am a fool cause I ended up forgiving him again and continued our relationship. But started from that day I became more heartless cause I planned to revenge on him and sometimes I treated him bad. I argued with him a lot over small matters.

After the pandemic over, I flew back to my state and suddenly I got in touch with my ex again. That was not what I had in my plan. Things just went naturally and the table turned around. I started my secret relationship with my ex and cheated on my boyfriend. During that time, my boyfriend started to talk about marriage and planned a lot stuffs for the two of us which made me felt so bad sometimes because I stayed with him just to make sure he feel the pain I felt.

To make it short, I actually stopped contacting my ex and re-start my relationship with my boyfriend. I told him about my ex too. He said he was hurt but there is no point to keep focusing on the past. He even told me that he is doing his best to change and in order to prove it is to live with him again. Although I can see his effort but sometimes I just can't accept the fact that he cheated on me. Every time when I see someone else picture who look like her (I saw her only from the picture), the past will come attacking me again and I will have that hatred towards my boyfriend arise. This year, we are already planning our marriage but I am not sure if I am making the right choice to continue being with him when I still have this unsecure feeling. Sometimes I don't know what to do.😔

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 24/04/2022 04:28

If you’ve both cheated, walk away. If you truly wanted to spend the rest of your life with this man, you wouldn’t have gone and started a relationship with your ex. And how can you ever trust him again after everything you have found out about him?

I know it’s hard, but better and easier to walk away now, than get married and end up divorced further down the line.

ZealAndArdour · 24/04/2022 04:38

Just bloody end it, Jesus Christ.

Thehundredthnamechange · 24/04/2022 05:32

Your relationship is a joke. Neither of you respects or truly loves the other one. You're literally both wasting your time by continuing with this nonsense. Your eventual break up is inevitable. Just break up now and save yourselves a few more years of heartache, cheating, betrayal, and mind games. There is no WAY that this relationship is ever going to be healthy and happy after everything that has happened.

savedbyanalien · 24/04/2022 05:41

Why did you text the girl? Just why?

And you planned to exact "revenge" on your boyfriend?

Grow up.

Moser85 · 24/04/2022 05:54

Sounds awful.
He cheated on you and then when you cheated on him he doesn't sound like he cares all that much. This is not a man who is afraid of losing you.

End it. There is no point in wasting more time in this relationship because it won't have a happy ending.

girlmom21 · 24/04/2022 06:29

This won’t ever be a happy marriage

Blarting · 24/04/2022 06:38

Honestly, walk away this is not going to end well.

LaurenKelsey · 24/04/2022 06:43

How old are you both? You sound very young and immature.

annonymooze · 24/04/2022 07:01

LaurenKelsey · 24/04/2022 06:43

How old are you both? You sound very young and immature.

We both are adult but I get overthink too easily and my boyfriend is the forgettable type. So when every time I want to talk about us he keeps on saying things already in the past, why do you want to bring back the matter that only cause us pain? Of course it is true but when I deeply think about it, it is make sense to talk about it because he did things behind me and I want a clear clarification. And of course I also want to make sure that things will not happen again.

OP posts:
annonymooze · 24/04/2022 07:06

Moser85 · 24/04/2022 05:54

Sounds awful.
He cheated on you and then when you cheated on him he doesn't sound like he cares all that much. This is not a man who is afraid of losing you.

End it. There is no point in wasting more time in this relationship because it won't have a happy ending.

It is very hard for me to tell since he is the only man I have ever love this much. We have lots good happy memories together which might be the reason why it is very difficult to walk away. Guess I need to make up my mind. Btw thank you.

OP posts:
NameGoesHere · 24/04/2022 07:17

You need to walk away, it’s a doomed marriage.

GreyCarpet · 24/04/2022 09:22

You are looking for the words or actions or setting that will effectively mean none of this happened. But they don't exist. It did happen. He cheated on you. You cheated on him. He won't talk about it which, in turn, means you can't over on from it.

There is no love and no respect here. What you are describing is more likely to be a trauma bond than love. You can't possibly genuinely love someone who treats you with such contempt.

If you stay in this situation (because it's not a relationship), it will continue to look and feel like this and also worsen over time.

I would say take back control.of your life and leave but I suspect that isn't what you want to hear and so won't do it.

You could actually be happy alone or, in time, meet someone else.

annonymooze · 25/04/2022 04:00

GreyCarpet · 24/04/2022 09:22

You are looking for the words or actions or setting that will effectively mean none of this happened. But they don't exist. It did happen. He cheated on you. You cheated on him. He won't talk about it which, in turn, means you can't over on from it.

There is no love and no respect here. What you are describing is more likely to be a trauma bond than love. You can't possibly genuinely love someone who treats you with such contempt.

If you stay in this situation (because it's not a relationship), it will continue to look and feel like this and also worsen over time.

I would say take back control.of your life and leave but I suspect that isn't what you want to hear and so won't do it.

You could actually be happy alone or, in time, meet someone else.

Your comment hits me deeply and I'm actually crying reading this. I think I know what to do now. Thank you.

Also thank you for everyone who's commenting here. I am so touched that you took some time to hear me out cause I don't really talk about my relationship with other people. That's why most of the time I decided things by myself and it's hard to tell if I am making the right decision.

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