emotionally abusive DH - should I tell his family?

[uncertainalice]

The DC and I have recently left DH, he's telling everyone that he is the victim and I was the abuser.

I don't know whether to leave it, or to stand up to him and tell his family the truth - they may not listen I know that.

For myself, I want them to know, he doesn't deserve to get away with it and I don't deserve to be branded as the perpetrator, especially as his family are likely to say something to my kids at some point.

If I do tell them, maybe I should wait until after we're divorced, so I'm not making him any more angry, he's bad enough.

I am so confused I can't see what is the right thing to do, has anyone else been in this situation please, and what did you do?

Thank you

Don't waste your breath. Concentrate on building a better life for you and your DCs. There is absolutely no point in trying to "set the record straight". It will only pour petrol on the fire.

Men who behave like arseholes never change.

I guess you have to raise the question that, if he was the victim, why was it that and the DC had to leave? Leave them to work out the answer for themselves.

Bloody is thicker than water. They won't believe you.

His abuse is not your secret to carry.

it doesn’t matter what he says or to whom , you know what you and your children faced.
Get support from your local Women’s Aid and potentially also speak to your GP too to discuss what is to come and have support.
Make sure you document as much of this behaviour as you can remember and also get the advice from a solicitor for civil remedies if he becomes too much.

I’m glad you are free of him but post separation abuse is sadly really common - best get as much help as poss as soon as poss.
All the very best

Save your energy. Focus on moving towards the divorce as quickly as possible. If they say anything to your children, be prepared to give your children a different perspective in a way that respects the fact that your ex will always be their father. They will form their own impressions of him over time.

When my emotionally and financially abusive ex and I separated, I never heard a word from his family, despite the fact that I was the one who made an effort to invite them to family events, sent thank-you cards, remembered their birthdays while my ex could barely be bothered to speak of them with respect (and to be honest, they could all be difficult in their own ways themselves).

God knows what kind of slanted narrative he gave them (he would certainly have been the victim in his story), but as @AchillesPoirot says, blood is thicker than water.

relationship behaviors are often learned in the family home. they most likely won't see the problem.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother. I was in the same position. He told people, Including our teenage daughter, that I had left for someone else.

I refused to react. I told my dd it wasn't true and I waanr prepared to out her in the middle and tell her what actually happened. She is older now and knows.

As it stands now the kids don't really bother with him. He is on his third engagement in 5 years. The first one stalked me, the second on had a drug and alcohol habit and lost her kids, the most recent is very new. Our kids can't be arsed with him and his drama.

Even his own parents, seeing the car crash he has become don't even believe it. I spoke to them around Christmas (first time since we split) as I lost my mum and exfil wanted to offer his condolences. He apologised for what's happened. They live far away but are moving closer to offer the kids more support.

Its all come out in its own time and my kids are grateful I kept the drama to a minimum.

I tried this. They told me he had already told them I was unhinged and would say something like this. When I tried to point point out specifics, such as weeks of the silent treatment, I was told ‘well that’s just how he’a handling what you’ve done’. I later found out much of his behaviour was learned from his parents. So basically, I wouldn’t bother. They won’t believe you and you’ll end up feeling worse. It has helped to talk to others about what has happened to me though, my family and friends and women’s aid jn particular.

I would suggest you’d be wasting oxygen. Firstly because of the blood being thicker than water thing, secondly because he probably learned this behaviour from one of them, thirdly because even if he didn’t, they won’t want to admit this about their precious darling son. (Even if they see it for themselves, they will probably justify it somehow.) Just move on and try and keep your kids as safe as you can. Hopefully he will find another sucker and lose interest in any of you soon.

They either know or they will take his side. Mine knew to be honest. But I didn’t twist the knife because it was better for me and the kids if he had a source or support and wasn’t completely jettisoned in life. So I ensured that his family were able to give him Contact and support.

Learn how to grey rock. They likely won't believe you, or if they do, they won't do anything about it.

I've learned the hard way that most people don't give a shit about abuse, because they themselves are abusive, or they benefit in some way, or they are protecting themselves from their own grim situation (or trying to).

Very few people are as brave as you, OP. Hold your head high and ignore those who would make you small again.

I chucked ex out after years of him cheating on me, with the idea we could get counselling while I didn't have to see him daily, but ultimately he was the one who said "I want a divorce" after a few failed attempts at counselling.

He put all over social media that there was fault on both sides. Then all the mental health quotes as he trotted out the script.

I was the bigger person with the in laws all through.
I then had a significant tragedy in my life a few months after he asked for a divorce and ex MIL emailed. 1 sentence to say how sorry she was about the tragedy, then 5 paragraphs telling me everything I'd done wrong, why couldn't I see it and to not take out my pain on the children. Glossed over her son repeatedly getting his dick wet for 10 years elsewhere.

So I let her have it both barrels. Spelled out all the abusive behaviours I'd endured from her son over 20 years. Never heard from her again (yay!). Ex told me a few months after that she never wanted anything more to do with me after the disgusting and vile email I'd sent her (double yay!)

Just this week I made contact with her for the first time since that email 18 months ago to send through DDs yr11 school photo order form, trying to be the biggest person. No response at all. DD said yesterday that nanny texted her to say she loved the photo.

So no, don't bother. My ex was an arsehole through and through. All through the marriage, I knew his mother was selfish and raised 2 selfish children. She can't see the crap as she doesn't think it's an issue.

No point. They want to believe him.

In ten years you'll smile at the memory that you cared one teeeeeny tiiiiiiny bit what your x's family thought of you.

I’ve been telling my in laws for years about my husbands behaviour and now when we are separating they’ve denied knowing anything so I wouldn’t waste my breath. Look after yourself they’ll find out soon enough and realise it for themselves

I probably would say 'he is talking shit, he abused me for years, that's why I've left him'.

They probably won't want to hear it but I'd still say it.

If they're like him, I'd try go to minimal contact with them too though. And I'd be going for full custody of my kids if my partner was abusive tbh.

thanks everyone, I feel so full of - I don't know what, anger, disgust - towards him, that I might burst, and being bullied by him and his family (by their silence) is very hard to take. I feel like I am going crazy some days, like I have imagined it all.

But you have all said not to follow it up or that they won't listen if I do, so I won't. I particularly don't want to make things any harder than they are for my DC, so I will talk to you guys, and to Women's Aid rather than trying to make his mother, in particular, see sense (I ave recently learned that the same problems happened with his previous partner, with the same outcome, and she didn't believe it then either).

Thanks for your support and advice, the last few days have been very hard and I have drafted and re-drafted a letter to his family, but I understand now that it's best not to send it, however tempting it is.

Write that letter to them perfectly.

Then save it on your notes app, or print it and burn it, or put it in your journal

Absolutely write it. Get that all out. Just don't send it.

When I left my exh my ils never contacted me again. Even when exh didnt get access to our oldest dc - their first dgc.. They walked away.. Acknowledged his abusive behaviour when he tried to punch mil a decade later.
Walk away from them all op.

Did you make any police reports? I would only tell them if you have any evidence to support what you say. Otherwise how will you respond when they accuse you of lying? Say you’re not?
If they ask, by all means tell them your side but in all likelihood they will support him first.

My exh smashed up our home repeatedly.. Ils solution was never to come round.
That way they never witnessed what they had raised. An animal would be an insult to animals.

Do you know the old fable of the scorpion and the frog?

The frog is sitting on the streambank when the scorpion comes along. The scorpion asks the frog if he can have a ride on his back across the stream. The frog, knowing of the scorpion's terrible temper, says "I don't want to because I'm scared you'll sting me." "Why would I do that?" says the scorpion. "If I did, I would drown in the stream." This makes sense to the frog, so he agrees. The scorpion hops on the frog's back and the frog starts to swim across the stream. But halfway across, a drop of water splashes onto the scorpion, who becomes enraged and stings the frog. As the poison takes hold, the frog croaks to the scorpion, "Why did you do that? Now we will both die." The scorpion replies, "It's just my nature."

Some people simply cannot help themselves from behaving in ways that hurt others, regardless of whether it would be better for everyone if they controlled themselves.

When you are involved with a toxic person (who almost always comes from a toxic family), you have to accept that their behaviour will often not make sense to you. Toxic people will behave in ways that go against everyone's best interests, even their own. Storytellers recognised this pattern of human behaviour hundreds of years ago and it's still active today.

These patterns are deeply ingrained. If you put up boundaries against toxic behaviours (like walking away when they are insulting you), the toxic person will interpret your boundaries as an insult to them. There is no reasoning with people who think this way. The only thing you can do is minimise contact as much as possible, ideally to none.

thank you again, everyone...so many helpful points that really helped me get through a very difficult weekend 😘

You sound incredibly strong. I'd agree with everyone else that proactively attempting to talk to your in laws is pointless. He will have poisoned them so effectively they won't believe you.

Having said that, I absolutely would not feel the need to remain silent. So, for example, if your DD come back from a trip to see ex and in laws and say, "Mummy, daddy and granny say that you only left because daddy didn't let you spend all the money all the time." feel free to say, "No darling, that's not true. I left because Daddy was happy for us to struggle financially while he went on 5star golfing holidays with his friends 5 times a year". (silly example, but hopefully makes my point).

@Triffid1 I'm amused that you describe me as sounding strong, and @thecoffeewasthething said I am brave...as at the moment I feel like a jellyfish, very uncertain around the edges and completely at the mercy of the tide (and the divorce court).

What happened was that I got to a point where I had had enough of STBXH's behaviour. Very unexpected, over almost nothing (by comparison) the shutters came down and that was it. I didn't even make a decision, it just happened.

I've always believed you should stand up to bullies - it has taken me a while because his emotional abuse has been so insidious - hence my thinking that I'm not going to be shy of telling people what has actually gone on, as opposed to the victim yarn that he is spinning to anyone who will listen.

BUT as recommended I won't bother with his family, they may work it out, they may not (choose to), or they might ask in years to come; but for all the reasons suggested above - better that he has his family to lean on than me and the DC, the DC not needing any more drama, and potentially making things worse - I won't send that letter, much as I thought it would give me closure and was looking forward to it.

I need to be like @CheekyHobson frog, except I'll dump the toxic ex and his family, and swim quietly away with my babies on my back.

You are strong, and brave, because you're doing it and thinking calmly about things. Doesn't mean you're not struggling, feeling sad/angry/hurt etc all at the same time.

Keep going. Don't sugar coat the truth if you're asked. never make excuses for HIS behaviour. But don't expect his family to see your side!

Good luck!