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Original poster

I can’t forget and move on

26 replies

Unforgottenhj693 · 23/04/2022 21:31

I have been in a relationship for 8 months, we knew each other for a year beforehand and got close after a mutual friend passed away.
It came out later on that he was texting other women when we began to get close despite saying he wasn’t, and this continued for 2 weeks after we started a relationship. The messages weren’t sexual or suggestive but they were sent with the intention of trying to build something with any of the women who were willing to take it further. I had asked him during the first week to make us social media official. Purely to ensure he had stopped speaking to the women and they knew he was no longer single. He instead deleted all his social media accounts as he said making a relationship official online is pointless. I was stupid and took his word for it he had stopped speaking to women. Of course he still was for 2 weeks until he came clean out of guilt.
fast forward to now, he did stop and proved it so I let myself forget about it to try and focus on building our relationship.
the issue is now and again it still crops up in my mind and makes me feel completely awful. I remember that he must not have liked me enough to still talk to other women. That he didn’t want his friends knowing he was with me. It’s ruined my self esteem more than I expected. He knows how I feel about it all and he has apologised so many times. We’re in a great place in our relationship and have spoken about marriage and babies one day.
I just don’t know how to put it all behind me and stop feeling so rubbish that it happened. Although it was only texts it feels like I was cheated on if that doesn’t sound too dramatic. I sometimes panic he will try and talk to these women again if he gets bored of me. Can anyone advise me how to move on from this and what he can do to reassure me that it won’t happen again? I won’t leave him for it I just want my self esteem back.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 23/04/2022 21:46

8 months? Seriously! Bin him off. Life is too short for this level of angst and drama!

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2022 23:33

I'm confused ..... was he messaging other women during your first two weeks together or is it more recent

Original poster
Unforgottenhj693 · 24/04/2022 00:04

the first 2 weeks and a few month prior to starting the relationships I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him deep down

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 24/04/2022 00:10

Unforgottenhj693 · 24/04/2022 00:04

the first 2 weeks and a few month prior to starting the relationships I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him deep down

Then what's the point?

JustLyra · 24/04/2022 00:12

Unforgottenhj693 · 24/04/2022 00:04

the first 2 weeks and a few month prior to starting the relationships I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him deep down

If you can’t forgive him for texting people before you were even together then the relationship is doomed.

save yourself, and him, the grief and walk away now.

Original poster
Unforgottenhj693 · 24/04/2022 00:50

It’s the fact he carried on for 2 more weeks after starting a relationship with me that bothers me when he should have stopped before asking me on a date now I wonder if he will do it behind my back because I now know he is capable of it

OP posts:
LadyBrienne · 24/04/2022 01:03

I’m a bit confused - most folks would text different people BEFORE deciding to date only one … and then, I think most folks would continue to text a few people in the early days of a relationship until you both decide to be monogamous. What was the conversation that you had when you go together? Was it clear that you both would cease texting members of the opposite sex? To be honest I’d expect that conversation to happen a few weeks (3 to 6 ish ) after the first few dates not immediately

is this your first relationship ?

cherrypiepie · 24/04/2022 07:52

I agree with pp and I don't think he's done anything wrong. It's totally normal to date a few people at the same time. I don't think relationships starts and become exclusive at the first date.

Maybe you have had different expectations at the start and he was trying to appease you by deleting social media.

Here my experience- We "deleted our app" a few weeks after meeting each other. Before this I had no need to know what he was doing and who he was talking to. then about year later changed our social media to "in a relationships" but even then I don't think we linked to each other until we actually married each other! We used to tag each other in events etc and it was obvious we were together. This was years ago now and social media has changed so much and I don't think people use it as much any more.

I think only you can decide how you feel now about this but hope this gives perspective for you.

JustLyra · 24/04/2022 09:04

Unforgottenhj693 · 24/04/2022 00:50

It’s the fact he carried on for 2 more weeks after starting a relationship with me that bothers me when he should have stopped before asking me on a date now I wonder if he will do it behind my back because I now know he is capable of it

Why should he have stopped before asking you on a date?

I have to be really honest - if my DS or DDs were dating someone who demanded they be linked on social media after a week and was on his case about texting people before they were even together I’d be urging him to run.

8 months in should still be fun.

this is the guy for you - you’re never going to trust him.

Original poster
Unforgottenhj693 · 24/04/2022 10:04

Sorry to be clear our first date was our official relationship start day so we were both exclusive from that moment and agreed to only see each other, so the fact he continued to text these women makes me think he was never serious about us and perhaps still isn’t.

OP posts:
Qwill · 24/04/2022 10:09

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either, and I agree with him regarding making social media announcements. Regardless, you can’t trust him so the relationship is doomed, you’re only 8 months in, it’s supposed to be fun, if there’s all this drama now it’s not going to get any better.

spotcheck · 24/04/2022 10:10

If you both agreed to be monogamous after your first date, and he was still trying to nurture attention from other women, then I would worry too.

BUT your relationship sounds pretty full on. Monogamous after 1date ( was he chasing you for quite a while?), marriage and babies after 8 months!

spotcheck · 24/04/2022 10:12

Meant to add- are you sure you were both on the same page those early weeks?
If he was chasing you , and then 'got you' perhaps his actual feelings hadn't caught up yet?

something2say · 24/04/2022 10:13

Nope. You're jealous and unreasonable.

CandyLeBonBon · 24/04/2022 10:16

It really really shouldn't be this angst-ridden op. Seriously, you're going to turn into a controlling nightmare. Have you considered speaking to someone about your self esteem and trust issues?

AchillesPoirot · 24/04/2022 10:27

I'm sorry but you sound quite needy.

If you can't get past the fact that he texted other people before you got together then you need to end it.

It does sound full on with being exclusive after one date.

WhereWasThatFrom · 24/04/2022 10:55

This sounds like it's got disaster written all over it. You would be crazy to get married or have kids with him until you have completely got over him texting people. I don't think he did anything odd or wrong. Requiring him to go social media official is controlling and odd. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

Angrymum22 · 24/04/2022 15:32

I think you need to talk this through with someone in real life. You have an unrealistic idea of how relationships work. There is no definitive line you can draw to mark the point at which you become exclusive. Relationships can be very fluid in the early stages.
It sounds like you have a very rigid timeline plotted regarding the progression of your relationship.
How have previous relationships gone? Or is this your first.

GreyCarpet · 24/04/2022 15:35

It's not so.muchbthat he was messaging these wen, more that you asked him.about it directly and he lied to you.

The lie is the issue not the quantity/content of the messages.

Amd that is why it's affecting your self esteem and why you feel like deep down you won't ever really trust him.

Because he's already proven to you that you can't and he will say whatever he needs to to get what he wants.

GreyCarpet · 24/04/2022 15:40

Unforgottenhj693 · 24/04/2022 10:04

Sorry to be clear our first date was our official relationship start day so we were both exclusive from that moment and agreed to only see each other, so the fact he continued to text these women makes me think he was never serious about us and perhaps still isn’t.

That's perfectly reasonable. My boyfriend and I were exclusive/monogamous from the first date - even before we'd done anything physical because we'd known each other for a few years and cared about and respected each other.

We both have similar rules around what we class as cheating and we also both know it would be game over immediately if either of us crossed that.

It's not controlling to state your boundaries. They can be whatever you want. If the other person doesn't accept them, they can state their own or decide you're not the person for them. What they can't do is mislead you.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2022 16:07

Kindly op, the bloke has done absolutely nothing wrong. I am VERY surprised he's putting up with this from you. I would be very careful otherwise he will be running for the hills.
I do online dating, I often have two or three on the go at once at the start, because so so many of them fall away (or mostly I do) for all sorts of reasons at the beginning.

Original poster
Unforgottenhj693 · 24/04/2022 20:17

I appreciate all the replies even the harsh ones as it gives me several different views. Greycarpet you hit the nail on the head, thank you. It may just be messages but I feel deceived. I’m not hard work or controlling I just expect the man who has asked us to be exclusive to focus on our relationship and not have back up options on his phone. I have been cheated on in every relationship so it is a sensitive subject. He may be innocent and done nothing wrong as many of you have said but my fear is that it will happen. I don’t like the thought of finding out he’s been doing it throughout our relationship and I became a mug yet again. He however isn’t on a ball and chain and welcome to go anytime but he insists he wants marriage and babies one day.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 24/04/2022 21:56

Having read your updates I think I am more concerned about his behaviour than yours, although I do think that some counselling to help you deal with your (understandable) trust issues would be helpful for you.

You say it was him that wanted exclusivity from the first date and that he wants marriage and babies. The marriage and kids thing on its own isnt so odd, I find that getting the "What do you want out of this relationship" chat should be had early on so both people know that they want the same things, or not as the case may be. But that alongside asking you to be exclusive straight away.....just feels a bit off to me. Then add that up with someone who likes having "options" despite you not being allowed to have the same.......it all feels wrong.

If you cant let, what is on the surface,a minor issue go then perhaps thats because your instinct is telling you something. That perhaps you are hanging your lack of trust on the texting thing when really its because you are picking up something else that you cant put your finger on.

I would be thinking very hard about this guy, something just doesnt feel right about this to me.

Original poster
Unforgottenhj693 · 25/04/2022 08:16

What do you think it is pyong?
my instinct does tell me something is wrong but I think that is just how I protect myself because I’m scared I’m right

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 25/04/2022 08:34

I'd be suspicious of anyone who asked to be exclusive on a first date, unless there was a friendship/long build up first. That along with lying to you about being in contact with others, deleting his social media rather than making it official there would make me very suspicious. When quickly did the marriage/babies conversations start and who started it?

Look up love-bombing and future-faking. And look back at your previous relationships - did you ignore red flags, suppress your boundaries to keep a relationship going?