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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you think he'll come back?

26 replies

CordeliaChasex · 23/04/2022 20:50

Met a surgeon a few years back when I was his student (same age, I went to uni later). Spoke on and off over the years.

We've been talking daily for 6 months. Initially a sex thing, then he began mentioning a relationship. There was emotional intimacy and I supported him through some work and heslth difficulties. We live far from each other but met up once at a work thing.

He's very self involved. Everything is about him. If he was busy or in a mood, he had no time for me. If I was ill, he wouldn't ask how I was. If he was ill, he'd send me texts every day about how bad he felt.

We ultimately fell out because he couldn't spare any time for me during my 10 day trip to his city for work. He called things off, got annoyed I was upset, said some very cold things and and blocked me. I stupidly chased him by sending apologetic messages - all ignored.

That was last Weds. My friends are all convinced he'll be back...I'm not. It really seems like he's ditched me and it has hurt a lot.

Do these men return? I'm trying to move on and I've just beaten the acutely painful bit.

Worried he'll reappear just when I've got back to a good place.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 23/04/2022 20:56

Well, you could just block him and take the decision out of his hands.

Even if he does manage to get back in touch, just reply, "Having had some time to reflect on our interactions in the past, I've realised that pursuing a relationship with you isn't in my best interests. I wish you well."

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 23/04/2022 20:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

seensome · 23/04/2022 21:00

Yes but not always with good intentions, when he's missing sex and you are available. Don't be tempted.
He won't change who he is, so it's not going to work, save yourself the hassle and don't go there again.

MsPavlichenko · 23/04/2022 21:01

I doubt it. Given he’s a selfish, self absorbed arsehole that’s good.

Block him and get on with your life and plan for your ignoring him if he does pop up again.

Kitten2 · 23/04/2022 21:12

Probably not. He very abruptly ended it. He sounds slightly unhinged(?)

Rejection is really hard to take. It's bloody awful. Very painful. As is knowing that you've done yourself a disservice by putting up with this shit for longer than you should have. Focus on that.

He isn't who you wanted him to be and never will be.

Bellex · 23/04/2022 21:16

Is this what all medics are like?

My ex was paeds DR and I put up with a lot but he too was very self involved and I had to constantly call him out for it. Cheated on me with a nurse in the end as he wanted to date someone who was below him 🙄

whenever I met his uni friends all seemed similar, less a god complex for being a medic

Chasingpavements7654321 · 23/04/2022 21:23

I've just come out of an abusive relationship with a selfish man. Was he selfish on purpose? Well he's alone and has lost daughters, parents, siblings, aunts, cousins and friends to the point nobody sees him or bothers with him.

My biggest lesson from waiting around in hope and taking him back after he had been awful is that if they don't try with you then

A: you will never be happy and

B: you'll always be trying to please them.

He may well come back. He's probably still got a way in with you? I let mine back several times but in the end I had to end it because I had to accept

1: the man I needed wasn't him
2: he didn't care as much as I did.
3: he wasn't willing to woo me.
4: I was putting all the work in.
5: he put himself first.

I was miserable taking his crumbs. Remember that....

He was feeding you crumbs!
You deserve a full slice!!

You need to try for your own sake to not hold out hope.

Leave it now and find good things to fill your time

Kitten2 · 23/04/2022 21:26

Brilliant advice from @Chasingpavements7654321

Fishandchipstwice · 24/04/2022 10:22

Sounds like a narcissist to me so I’d hope he won’t come back but chances are he’ll hoover you back in at some point.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 24/04/2022 11:29

Chasingpavements7654321 · 23/04/2022 21:23

I've just come out of an abusive relationship with a selfish man. Was he selfish on purpose? Well he's alone and has lost daughters, parents, siblings, aunts, cousins and friends to the point nobody sees him or bothers with him.

My biggest lesson from waiting around in hope and taking him back after he had been awful is that if they don't try with you then

A: you will never be happy and

B: you'll always be trying to please them.

He may well come back. He's probably still got a way in with you? I let mine back several times but in the end I had to end it because I had to accept

1: the man I needed wasn't him
2: he didn't care as much as I did.
3: he wasn't willing to woo me.
4: I was putting all the work in.
5: he put himself first.

I was miserable taking his crumbs. Remember that....

He was feeding you crumbs!
You deserve a full slice!!

You need to try for your own sake to not hold out hope.

Leave it now and find good things to fill your time

Thanks for this good advice.

He already has 0 friends locally, only from school, and seems to keep around a fan club of HCAs/nurses/students who are impressed by his job (sadly this probably included me). Also has been pulled up at work for being condescending and rude to his juniors.

Conversely I am fortunate to have lots of friends and get along well with people at work. So partially I know this isn't really about me, it's him. But when it happened he said it was due to me overreacting to him being unavailable to see me. So I blamed myself that he went.

In the cold light of day, not finding 30mins to catch up with a woman you've said you want a relationship with and talk to every day is shit isn't it. I know he's a super important heart surgeon.. but one of my friends was on 12 hr shifts all week and he still found an hour to catch up with me in the hospital canteen when I was in the area. And he's not even a close friend..

OP posts:
Suprima · 24/04/2022 11:32

Oh definitely. He’ll be back when he wants sex and an ego boost.

nothing more

and you may have been the same age- but you were his student 😐This had a power imbalance from the beginning which ensured it wasn’t likely to be a healthy relationship/situationship

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 24/04/2022 11:36

Suprima · 24/04/2022 11:32

Oh definitely. He’ll be back when he wants sex and an ego boost.

nothing more

and you may have been the same age- but you were his student 😐This had a power imbalance from the beginning which ensured it wasn’t likely to be a healthy relationship/situationship

Fair point. I was in my first clinical year as well, so he was effectively 5 ranks above me.

OP posts:
tribpot · 24/04/2022 12:01

I'm concerned about your friends all telling you he will be back. Why would they say that? Do they think it's what you want to hear? This is the time when a true friend would be saying thank fuck that toxic influence is out of your life.

I think you called his bluff very successfully. He had clearly been saying whatever he thought he needed to in order to keep you on the hook, so he could use you to talk about himself. He clearly has zero interest in you as a person, let alone in forming a relationship with you, so when you turned up in his city you had him cornered.

Make sure he is blocked on everything and start working on your boundaries. That may include in your choice of friends as well, although I'd like to think perhaps they're doing that thing where you don't want to start slagging off the 'ex' (not really the term for this guy) too soon in case you get back together (also not really the term for this). I'd tell them what you've said here and ask them to let rip properly.

WallaceinAnderland · 24/04/2022 12:35

He'll only come back if you let him OP. This is in your hands, not his. Start taking some responsibility here.

LadyJGrey · 24/04/2022 12:39

Why do you want him to come back?
He is literally adding nothing to your life (Other than sex)
But why wait for whatever crumbs he might throw your way. Take back control, block him and move on. He sounds like an arsehole.
You yourself said you’ve got over the hardest bit, so onwards and upwards. Leave this douche bag behind you!

Watchkeys · 24/04/2022 15:33

Worried he'll reappear just when I've got back to a good place

You're not in a good place until him reappearing won't worry you. Avoid him until then. Block, etc. Don't give him the opportunity to upset you. It 's your life; you're in charge.

Babdoc · 24/04/2022 15:39

Good grief, OP, surgeons tend to be narcissist arseholes, and cardiac surgeons are the worst of the lot! Monster egos and bordering on sociopathic.
Ok, I’m biased (36 years as a hospital doc specialising in anaesthesia), and generalising, but it’s a standing joke among colleagues that “The worst thing about being an anaesthetist is you have to work with surgeons”. Run.

Nsky62 · 24/04/2022 15:43

So you want someone rude to others, why?
that is enough

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 24/04/2022 15:48

Babdoc · 24/04/2022 15:39

Good grief, OP, surgeons tend to be narcissist arseholes, and cardiac surgeons are the worst of the lot! Monster egos and bordering on sociopathic.
Ok, I’m biased (36 years as a hospital doc specialising in anaesthesia), and generalising, but it’s a standing joke among colleagues that “The worst thing about being an anaesthetist is you have to work with surgeons”. Run.

I want to be a surgeon! Although urologists are friendly for surgeons..

He was obviously very dismissive of this and liked to refer to me "playing with ureters for a living".

But yes. Monster, fragile ego.

OP posts:
Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 24/04/2022 15:57

Nsky62 · 24/04/2022 15:43

So you want someone rude to others, why?
that is enough

Unfortunately true colours were not revealed until I was already emotionally attached. Attraction is unfortunately not rational. I've tried to reason myself out of this for a while.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/04/2022 16:09

Thank goodness he ended it, you are now free to find a decent man!!

Start doing the happy dance and detach from him x

Rosez · 24/04/2022 16:10

If this is how he acts, why would you even want him to come back?Confused

You're worth more than this OP. Now you're free to go and find a good man, who won't treat you poorly!

JollyWilloughby · 24/04/2022 16:13

Sounds like a narc.

it’s about the only time when narcissism is actually quite useful (it’s well known surgeons can be quite sociopathic).

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 24/04/2022 16:28

Rosez · 24/04/2022 16:10

If this is how he acts, why would you even want him to come back?Confused

You're worth more than this OP. Now you're free to go and find a good man, who won't treat you poorly!

It isn't logical. I've just got used to his name/face popping up on my phone throughout the day. Being without it has felt like drug withdrawal.

OP posts:
Rosez · 24/04/2022 16:32

I completely sympathise with you @CordeliaChasex

But it's time to be tough and put yourself first. Block his number, delete him from social media etc. don't let him worm his way back in. There are so many other men available who will treat you better, who's face you will get used to, who will make you feel giddy when their name appears on your phone. This one guy isn't the be all and end all, I can guarantee you will find somebody who will appreciate you just as much as you appreciate them! Flowers

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