Why does this hurt so much?

[whyohwhy23]

Going nc for this.
Myself and the father of my children have separated but are still living together until the sale of our new houses goes through. Up until last week we're even sharing a bed. It's definitely the right thing to do and I was so excited for my future last week etc.
I took our dc away last week and whilst we were gone he slept with someone else. It's knocked me for 6. I cried when I found out but can't explain why. I feel betrayed please help me sort my head out.

I think you might be crying, because of what you have lost - a good relationship, which hasn't worked out.
Also, you will be feeling more emotional because of your imminent departure from his life.
Hugs to you.

Thanks for you response. I think it's the realisation that this is it. Thing is it wasn't a good relationship he was emotionally and verbally abusive and I'm certain it should be over. I'm very confused.

In the kindest possible way, it's supposed to hurt. Don't judge yourself for feeling hurt. Just do what you would do for anybody else who was hurting; be understanding of your feelings, be sympathetic towards yourself, be gentle towards yourself.

It's a painful process - letting go usually is, because, uncomfortable though they sometimes are, they are still 'comfort' zones. I'm sorry you're hurting

How did you find out?

He heavily hinted about it so I asked outright if he'd done something and he told me all the details.

He’s quite heartless buy the sound of it. It’s hard in the limbo stage.

Is there an element of annoyance that he got to move on before you? I think I'd feel like this if my ex did the same. Even though I didn't want to sleep with him, and I've no intention of dating.

he is free to move on and he hasn’t done anything wrong but I can see why it’s hard and must be difficult living together

You are mourning the loss of the relationship you wanted.
Keep moving forward into your new life, and be grateful you’re getting away from the abuse. Unfortunately it will be someone else receiving it soon.

Considering he was abusive I'm guessing the main reason you feel so shit is that he constantly tried to undermine you and make you feel not good enough for him and like you wee the one with the issues? So, sleeping with someone else is almost like he is reinforcing that bs. 'Because clearly she has no issues with me' ect...

Also, it's disrespectful as it's still the family home and you are still living there. So it's a slap in the face. It's that the relationship you had clearly meant so little to him that he can't can't give you the basic of respects for the last few days, until you no longer live together. It's cold. And it's sad. Because despite how horrible he was maybe part of you wishes he could at least have been a half decent person in the end. Gave you that ounce of respect or recognition that he may have once cared a jot about you. And it feels sad to realise, that he never did. That there is nothing in him but cruelty. And that's sad.

But now you know what he is. Now you're at bottom, the only way from here is up. Now you can truly be free.

I have questioned this and maybe as I have no desire at the moment for moving on, I can't understand why he did or wanted to?

This really made sense to me. I just felt like why couldn't he wait. Did he really care that little etc. Also questioning myself and why I wasn't good enough.
Maybe the final nail in the coffin too. No coming back now.

Also questioning myself and why I wasn't good enough

This is his biggest and most generous lesson to you. Learn, from your relationship with him, that anybody who makes you question yourself is a person to leave behind.

Even if you have reason to question yourself, a respectful person will encourage you to do it in a way that feels respectful. They will have a chat with you about how you dealt with something, ask you what made you feel the way you did, to exhibit the behaviour that needs questioning. They'll have the conversation with you caringly, not in a way that leaves you thinking 'Is there something wrong with me?'

This is the lesson that abusive people teach us. It's a really big, really useful lesson. At the root of the answer is your self belief: the knowledge that if you do something questionable, you'll know, because you are a decent, kind, considerate, caring person. Anybody who makes you feel like there might be something wrong with you is a person not to spend time with.