Husband argumentative after drinking

[Mapleleaf19]

Name changed for this.

It happens almost every evening. He starts drinking wine about 4.30 in the afternoon and carries on until he has a large glass with his dinner (which he cooks).

Then it's the same pattern. I make a remark (tonight I said that the Downton Abbey film was on soon).
Cue, in really angry tone, 'What? What are you talking about?'
So I repeat, 'I was saying that the Downton Abbey film starts soon.'

Cue 'Fcuking Downton Abbey, I'm not watching that.' etc etc.

Then he accuses me of flouncing out. I did walk out but not flouncing.

I usually manage to avoid making any comment at all around this time of day, because whatever I say results in an angry outburst.

Note, we are happy most of the time and we're coming up to 50 years of marriage.
Leaving isn't an option.

I don't know why I'm posting. Just to vent, and to wonder if anyone else goes through this.

He’s an alcoholic and an unpleasant one. Of course leaving is an option. You only have one life don’t waste it on this loser.

Why is leaving not an option? You like living like this?

Do you have children who know what he is like?

Though I appreciate that after 50 years of marriage your options may be limited in terms of finance and housing

Leaving isn't an option because mostly we're happy, it's just when he's been drinking. Today I think he's had the best part of a bottle of wine.
But he drinks like this every day.

How can you mostly be happy and then say he drinks like that every day?

Grazingsheep, yes we have children and grandchildren. The children don't know about this. I couldn't leave, as we live mostly on his pension.

So he drinks every day
You are mostly happy except when he drinks
that makes no sense

Leaving isn't an option.

Yes it is. You're choosing this. You can choose not to as well.

You think drunk him is the issue. But sober him buys the booze and takes the first drinks. He chooses to drink knowing he's abusive afterwards. So you aren't actually happy normally. If you were, he wouldn't drink.

I’m not sure that you have any options really .

Leaving isn't an option because mostly we're happy, it's just when he's been drinking. Today I think he's had the best part of a bottle of wine. But he drinks like this every day.

That makes no sense. How are you 'mostly happy' if he's like this every day?

I mean, we get on well during the day, and I try to avoid saying anything to him after he's had a drink. We have the same sense of humour, he does loads of housework, he cooks, cleans.
I suppose I just want a bit of a rant.

He thinks little enough of you to drink to the point of being an arsehole, most days. You get, what, 8 or 9 hours a day of him not being drunk? I bet he's hungover a lot of the time, too. That is not a mostly great relationship.

Mrs Terry Pratchett, you're right that he buys it. He buys about 12 bottles a week.
I've asked him to stop, or cut down, but it never happens.

So he doesn't listen or care when he's sober either. You know this isn't OK.

How much is his drinking costing ?

It's up to you whether you feel this is an acceptable way of life for you moving forwards. It's completely fine to come on here to vent - people will always want to offer their twopennorth on a forum like this, which is understandable. It sounds really unpleasant and you have my sympathies, OP. If you're really not going to leave him, I'd have a frank conversation in the cold light of day about his drinking and the fact that, if he chooses to continue, you don't want to see or speak to him when he's had a drink. That includes eating dinner together so you'll take yours to eat elsewhere. Make it clear that if he speaks to you unpleasantly or tries to pick a fight, you will be walking away and he is not to follow you. Don't bother trying to have that conversation when he's had even a sip of alcohol. Do it in the morning.

Grazingsheep, it's not about the cost really, we're not particularly short of money. Although I daresay we could have a holiday out of the wine money if he cut down.

LittlePennow, that's good advice and I will probably say something (again!) when he's sobered up tomorrow.

I don't want to leave, I just needed a bit of a handhold and rant. No marriage is perfect I suppose.

Thank you all for your replies, you've cheered me up.

It may help you to accept that he is an alcoholic and can't cut down and most likely won't be able to stop.

He is choosing his addiction over you which is selfish and hurtful.

I'm interested that you think your kids don't know how much he drinks? What about when they visit or you visit them?

How long has he been drinking at this level?

It is grim but you should also accept that it will seriously affect his long term help.

I don't want to upset you anymore than you understandably are, but there is a good chance that you will end up a carer to an angry alcoholic.

Have you thought about going to AlAnon? It's for people in your position.

Sorry, that should say long term health...

He's an abusive alcoholic.

You should tell your children.

Shielding them from the truth is allowing him to abuse you without consequences.

Tell the truth.

Ring Women's aid for support.

It is no way to live.

Surely if you split up you’d be entitled to half the assets and that would include his pension. See a solicitor so at least you know where you stand.

This is horrible for you. You're mostly happy when he's not drinking...but he's drinking every day

But that means you’re unhappy every single day. You can’t mostly be happy.