Sorry to seem overdramatic but I'm sitting here shaking and on the verge of tears.
I've been arguing on and off with my partner since yesterday basically about his drinking. It's a long story and I haven't got the energy to explain it in detail, but he drinks two bottles of red wine pretty much every day, usually preceded by 2 or 3 small bottles of lager.
I have anxiety and don't work (I've been trying to get a self employed venture going but it's slow progress) so am on universal credit with a mountain of debt and awful credit history.
My partner is self employed but started during covid and its been really slow, most months he's barely been making £300 and now his minimum income floor has kicked in, he's earning more the past couple of weeks but due to the nature of his business its seasonal and work could dry up again next week or in a few weeks. He also has a spinal condition making proper work difficult and a rubbish credit rating.
So basically for 7 years we've been 'splitting up' almost weekly, except it never ends up with us actually splitting as I can't go through with it - how can I rent anywhere with rubbish credit and same for him really.
It just blew up again - I've been trying to convince myself all day that really, it's not so bad. He's been violent in the past although I always lashed out first in frustration - during an argument I would pick his phone up and throw it at his lap for example, he would then stand up, get in my face and push, hit,grab me...he got me in a chokehold once.
Anyway he switched from "I'm an alcoholic, I don't think I'm willing to try and stop" fairly calm talk, to him suddenly standing up and shouting "I'm an alcoholic you stupid woman!" I can't even remember what I'd said to provoke that reaction but he looked so angry that I burst into tears and threw the remote at him. Not an excuse as I shouldn't have done it at all but it wasn't hard, just a temper chuck. Anyway he got in my face and raised his arm back to hit me, I pushed him and left the room crying and he has gone out.
I'm still having palpitations and my children are upstairs hearing this :(
He may be an alcoholic but if I leave this house I'm intentionally homeless and although he's been emotionally abusive in the past and we've had these fights, that's not enough is it, as I'm not being abused 'now'
So what do I do?
I wish I could just take the kids and leave now but I just can't see how I can get any help and womens aid aren't answering their phones.
Any advice appreciated but please try and be kind - I know how shitty I am for lashing out and I know my children are suffering. I just can't see how to change things.