Dating - I don't know what I want and feel like I'm wasting my life!

[CrazyRatLover]

Been single for years and dating on and off (more off).
I crave me time when my kids are at their dad's and I do enjoy it. Sometimes I think... be nice to go out and have fun. I think I've got so used to being on my own that I'm struggling to see what benefit I'd see to having a man in my life.
I was supposed to meet someone tonight and I was looking forward to it until this morning when I really couldn't be arsed. I politely messaged him saying that I didn't feel ready for dating and was really sorry to mess him about. He was really cool about it and said that I had his number if I wanted to get in touch.
It would have taken 20 minutes to half an hour each way and then probably another couple of hours on top of that, so 3 hours out of my day where I'd rather be at home milling about etc. But now I feel stupid for cancelling.
I do this every now and again - get chatting to someone, get excited and then back out. I've done this for years. Thing is I can't see things changing. I don't relish having someone around and having to think about someone other than myself!
My kids are grown up and I don't have many friends, think I'm just lonely. Maybe it's more friendships that I need. Someone that I can just walk to the pub with on a Saturday tea time without any ties. The friends that I do have are coupled up.
I just don't know, arghhhh! Anyone else like this?

l wouldn' t worry, l think there are times when either in a relationship or single you briefly wish it could be different. You can get bored by having a partner around, and you can get bored with your own company too, at time.
Maybe because of the menopause the scales have slipped from my eyes, my perception has changed.
Freedom, zero accountability and living life on my own terms is more important to me now than looking for a relationship.

This could be me. I have been single a couple of years now and have been enjoying it. I also relish my time without the kids. Recently I have felt unsettled though and more aware of most other people being in relationships. Its made me look at OLD again but as soon as I start chatting to someone, I can;t be bothered. I like the 'idea' of having someone but can't be bothered making it happen. I do think sometimes we all assume that we should want someone when in actual fact, that doesn;t have to be the case.

Hi OP. I am also not sure what I would want a relationship “for” now though I am older than you. At my age, sex and romance might be nice, but not essential (late 50s). Company would be nice, but not full time and would have to be an interesting kind of man. Someone laid back, intelligent, sense of humour (what are the odds?🧐😃). Effort for anything else is just that, effort! at least for me.

However I am venturing out a bit, Meet-ups, and finding that a nice occasional change, so far. I’m think I’m more about freedom now and am less interested in the commitment of relationships and drama of some friendships. I also like my own company. OLD seems a bit forced for a “relationship” and even the word is the kiss of death for me! I’m not interested in FWB. But if you just put friendship, starting with, you can come across as sexless. Aghhh!

I think you are right in your perception to maybe just start dipping your toe in the water for a bit of socialising, travel, (even dating later if you feel like it; be light about it, take it easy, etc). I think general socialising and having fun and doing things you want is more important than dating though.

Op, I could have written your post. I wonder if it's cynicism or realism??

Thanks all for the replies.
@Moonface123 yes! I go through phases, very much so. Sometimes I'm completely at eaee with my situation, other times I get frustrated at what maybe I should be doing, if that makes sense.
Agree with the living life on my own terms. It kind of seems alien to do otherwise now I've been on my own for so long.
@anotherdisaster yes I often think that it 'should' be the case. I do miss sex though, I'd never meet up with someone just for that though and it's only great once you've got to know someone I think.
@ExtraOrange yes I agree, not full time - maybe once a week! And I think that's half of it to be honest-it feels forced. I just want to meet someone naturally that I've fancied for a while! I need to concentrate on some fun socialising, like you say.
@Fireflygal I think I just struggle to settle with the right person. I won't just have a relationship with anyone, they have to tick all the right boxes right from the start. I'm fussy!

I think I'd come off the scene altogether. It's not fair to raise people's hopes or waste their time. You sound lovely and I know you don't mean to do the above, but you clearly like the thought of having someone more than the actual reality.
So YABU and YANBU!!

Sorry, forgot I wasn't on AIBU

Just quit the dating for now and concentrate on doing whatever you want to do. I did have a phase of OLD a while back - well actually just chatting to people online because I couldn't be arsed really and whenever showed any interest in meeting up I just didn't want to. I just felt like they weren't going to bring anything to my life.
I have taken a long time to recover from my previous relationship which ended 3 years ago. And now I'm stable again and enjoying life and have some new interests. I really don't know how a man would fit into that - especially not if they turned out to be like the last knobhead.
I do feel lonely sometimes and friends are a bit lacking since the pandemic but that's a feeling that comes and goes.
I don't think I can be arsed with putting up with some man just so I don't feel lonely.
He'd have to be pretty special to make me want to change the life I have and I don't think there are that many good quality ones on OLD to be honest.

If you're not feeling it, just pack it in for a while so you're not wasting time on dross.

What interests do you have? What is something you've never done before but always fancied trying? Do that thing in the time that you'd be "wasting" dating people you're not really interested in!

@mycatisannoying you're absolutely right, thank you. I know IABU! Be good to have a long break from it.

I do hear ya though. I can barely be arsed with it myself half the time

I'm exactly the same. Nearly 3 years single now and when I don't have that DC I just enjoy the freedom, peace and my own company, catch up with work, or enjoy the company of my female friends. I don't feel like I can be arsed with a permanent man around and all the irritations of a full time partner - I see few advantages now, post 50, tbh. I've been musing tonight though, about how far I would be brave enough to manage a holiday abroad just me. Most aspects of life as a single woman seem more positive to me, but I'm not sure whether I would feel a bit sad or anxious travelling abroad in my own- whether I would be a sitting target for hassle from single men... or in fact whether that might even be interesting and nicer if it happened, away from home without strings attached! I definitely can't be bothered with OLD.

@marlowe5
I've been musing tonight though, about how far I would be brave enough to manage a holiday abroad just me

Just do it Marlowe! You'll love it.
I have been travelling alone for years, except when in relationships and even then I sometimes went off for a few days on my own.
I've been all over Europe alone and I've also done many long distance hiking trails sleeping in a tent and mountain huts. I also often stay on campsites and explore the local countryside - had a few trips to Hungary recently and really enjoyed it. Slovenia was also lovely.
But I also love city breaks too - nothing nicer than having a lovely hotel room to yourself to relax in and then going out exploring. I love art galleries and museums - they are so much nicer alone as you can spend however long you want in them. Eating out is nice too - I usually have a book with me. Love having uninterrupted time to read.

I've always found that people have been really friendly. I've been able to shut down hassle from men quickly - and there have only been 2 occasions in the last 20 years when I felt really uncomfortable about a man's behaviour but was able to get rid of them.

You need to research places before you go so you know where dodgy areas are, what sort of scams operate, how the public transport works and so on, what kind of tickets you need for underground systems (this avoids you looking helpless at the ticket machine and being approached by "helpful strangers" who are often scammers.....

I can heartily recommend holidaying alone. Choose somewhere you've always fancied going but where the culture isn't too different from where you are used to. Perhaps somewhere English speaking or where they speak a language you can at least get by in, or can quickly learn.
And perhaps choose a smaller city for the first holiday rather than Paris or Berlin or somewhere.

My first holiday alone was to a tiny Austrian village in the mountains for hiking and I loved it!

Holidaying alone is on my bucket list!

@Rondvassbu i get everything that you say.
Funny you should say about things I've never done before. There's a place I've been to a number of times with friends, and a few times I've very nearly gone to on my own because it's somewhere I get a lot from. But at the last minute I've backed out and not had the guts for fear of looking weird.
Also I'm interested in doing certain sports but the ones where you have to build your own team, they're not sports where you can just turn up and do with strangers in a complex (wish I could though).
I often go on dog walks on my own, I like visiting new places. I don't like going too far as times are tough financially at the moment (same with most people I think).
Could do with some suggestions. I've joined friendship sites but there aren't people nearby.

@Rondvassbu thankyou. I need to brave it - I know! I stay away a lot alone for work and have no problem with eating alone etc, but somehow I panic abroad. I need to do my research - your words are inspiring so thankyou. Historically I'm not someone who has relished the whole holiday research process - I know some people just love it, so I must change that.

Also I'm interested in doing certain sports but the ones where you have to build your own team, they're not sports where you can just turn up and do with strangers in a complex (wish I could though).

Can you ask around in local facebook groups if there is anyone interested in doing those sports with you?

@marlowe5
What sort of places interest you?
Also you could go somewhere in the UK for the first time if that would be less intimidating than abroad.
Or Dublin
Or Norway (even though that's expensive) everywhere's very safe, the people are friendly and nearly everyone speaks perfect English.

@Rondvassbu places I've always fancied going are Pompei, Canada, or a shorter break in a European city with lots to learn about the arts. I'm hopeless with languages and always feel very self conscious stumbling through O level French for example. Definitely not hiking/camping holidays. I've also got hopeless sense of direction so tend to freeze up when I first arrive at a resting place and don't know where the nearest shops etc are! I have never driven well on the other side of the road. All that makes me sounds very incompetent I know - I'm pretty independent and efficient at normal and life and very used to Uk travel, but these weak points have definitely impacted on my solo travelling-abroad competence!

Frankly at the moment I'm so knackered from work and childcare, a warm place to lie next to a pool and have cocktails seems most attractive (probably child-free if I'm honest, when I don't have my own kids around! )

@marlowe5, Sounds like me! My sense of direction is terrible, so rely on Google Maps.

There seems to a high of women, similar age and facing the same issues. I've had several relationships and I won't settle as a negative relationship is much worse than being solo.

I've booked a guided break for solo travellers in a few months. I would like to do more, travel further but covid has made me apprehensive.

@Rondvassbu I could but I feel like it looks a bit desperate!
I can't really afford to go away at the moment but I like new local places with my dog. I do need to be more sociable though. I've looked to see what clubs and things are available and they're all in the week when I can't go!

@marlowe5
places I've always fancied going are Pompei, Canada, or a shorter break in a European city with lots to learn about the arts
Pompei itself is great but getting there via Naples wasn't that much fun - I really didn't like Naples. I wouldn't start with that destination....
Never been to Canada - had a trip planned, booked and paid for but Covid killed it (got all the money back though).
Florence is wonderful for the visual arts - and it's small and not easy to get lost in! Also google maps is your friend as someone else suggested.
Vienna is also a safe city with art museums and the whole classical music scene too.

But if you fancy somewhere with a pool and cocktails because you are knackered somewhere like Lake Garda might be your thing. Or go to Bad Reichenhall in Germany and spend time at the thermal baths where you can also get spa treatments and you're 20 mins on the bus from Salzburg so you get the culture of that city too.

@CrazyRatLover I could but I feel like it looks a bit desperate!

So what? Maybe it's because I've hit 45 but I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks! If people reading your post want to think you are desperate that's their problem not yours. Posting in groups asking if others are interested in forming a band/sports' team/doing whatever is pretty normal these days. And you might find some people who also really wanted to do the thing but were worried about looking desperate.

@Rondvassbu thankyou!