IVF planned and now this…

[ReallyNiceShoes]

Pregnant in a relatively short term relationship. Was planning on IVF in a couple of years if hadn’t met the right person (I’m 34 now).

new partner is supportive in the sense that he will go along with whatever I decide and will help financially (apparently) but has been clear he won’t want to leave his city and has suggested I move to be with him there. I have a lovely home and it’s close to everything I know …his view is that on maternity I can be with him but he can’t just leave his job. My employer also has an office in his city so it wouldn’t necessarily be detrimental to work for me either.

I’m so conflicted and confused. On the one hand I think it’s nice the dad would have some relationship with baby from the off but equally I’m not sure it’s fair going into it when I’m not actually sure about the relationship.

I’m only 34 and could also meet someone else but obviously that takes time. Just don’t know what to do!

Do not give up your lovely home and local support network for a relationship you are unsure about. Especially if you were planning to go it alone in a few years anyway.

Kerp an open mind - if the relationship develops, you could always move in a few years, but bear in mind for now how life would be if you moved and the relationship didn't last.

@AlwaysFireFighting I wouldn’t sell but just don’t know whether to terminate. So so confused. Friends have said it will all be easier with him involved even down to day to day things like he would come to appointments etc which he would. I’ve been feeling rubbish and he’s sent food deliveries etc. He’s definitely tried to be supportive. I know if I said I was going to terminate he would also be supportive

IVF has a very low success rate (approx 30%) and you could end up doing multiple cycles without success. It’s also incredibly expensive.
Fertility drops rapidly once you’re in your 30s. This could be your only chance of having a child.
If you definitely want to have children at some point then don’t take it for granted. Men come and go, but the pain of being childless is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Please think long and hard before ending this pregnancy.
FWIW I started IVF at 35 and did nine unsuccessful rounds, including using an egg donor, at a total cost of £30k (including the free NHS treatment), and ended up childless with my mental health destroyed.
You can’t rely on IVF.

I mean this in the kindest way - why would you terminate a pregnancy for the "chance" of maybe being able to have a child later via IVF?

I say this as somebody who has had to use IVF to conceive her children. IVF is not a guaranteed way to have children but a chance- and not a cheap option either. The process takes its toll on you both physically and emotionally.

You currently have someone who is offering support - which may or may not be whilst you are in a relationship. I would take a chance on him and this situation. I can only see positives.

Please don’t use IVF as a back up it really is a last resort. As above, it’s hard and emotionally exhausting as well as a significant % risk of failure over 35 which is why most NHS trusts won’t fund it past that point. It sounds like the father is going to be supportive and present which will be valuable for your child and most likely you. I wouldn’t move but continue with the relationship an assess whether it has longevity before making any big decisions.

I think if you wanted kids one day anyway, and you’re 34, and you’re otherwise in a very stable place, and you were thinking about maybe doing it alone anyway, you should go ahead with this pregnancy.

As for moving or not, you don’t need to decide right this moment. You have time. It is nice he wants to be involved but where are your family and friends? Would you have any support in the new town other than him? Also if you did move, and it went wrong, how hard would it be to go back again?

I think it is a big risk to terminate a pregnancy on the "chance" of IVF working out for you in a couple of years. It seems crazy to me to do that.

If you have this baby and the guy nails then you are raising a baby alone. If you have IVF in a few years you will be raising a baby alone. I don't see why the second one is a more attractive option than the other.

Maybe consider questions like:

-what are my hopes for the future in the next 5 years how might my decision now affect this?
-how would I feel if I became a parent now versus terminating the pregnancy?

I think you need to separate decisions in terms of your relationship/moving cities etc and just focus on the decision around continuing the pregnancy or not - do you want the baby

In your shoes I would have the baby but that's because I'm now in my 40s, never met anyone and have been through a horrible process of trying to conceive later in life and haven't managed it. I'm sure I'll be told that's terribly irresponsible but that's honestly what I wish I'd done.

I agree with others that if you know you want a child and the father isn't an abusive arsehole, it may be best to keep the baby.

How would you feel later on if you had terminated but couldn't access IVF or it didn't work?

At your age I’d definitely consider having the baby. But you have to consider that the father, whether you stay together or not, will have a right spend time with his child, so you may end up doing a fair bit of travelling back and forth over the next 18 years..

This doesn't make sense. You planned to do IVF on your own later on if you didn't have a partner. Now you have a partner and are pregnant but things don't feel like you expected them to. This makes me think there is some idealisation going on here. You want to control everything yourself and be self reliant. Now the experience of being pregnant makes you feel totally out of control because something has started inside you, and it won't stop unless you make it stop. For you, this is incredibly frightening and you feel out of control.
Your need for certainty and control are the real issues here, not who lives where. See a therapist and talk this all out. That might ease your mind a lot. Life is full of uncertainty.
But sometimes you have to take a chance on life.
If you want to have the baby, then you take charge and live near your family for support, you can always move later on to be nearer your partner. If both of you want to make the relationship work it will withstand that.
It will be more stabilising for you to be near family and/or familiar surroundings while you cope with the pregnancy and birth. That is if you want to have a baby, if not, it's OK to choose that too. If you had an IVF baby alone in 5 years time, it's likely you'd feel out of control just like this anyway.

People are quite quick to assume that IVF will be readily available and successful for them - it's not that simple unfortunately. I have friends who have been devastated by unsuccessful attempts.

Thing is, none of us can predict the future. My sister married her childhood sweetheart. He met someone else and left her when the kids were both primary age.

Life is totally unpredictable. If you want a baby, then this might just be your baby.

You are pregnant, which was your ultimate goal

Why not just enjoy being pregnant ?

@JulesRimetStillGleaming that’s a good point. @Udder4Belief im worried it’s unfair to go ahead knowing the relationship is new and unstable. Like I’m knowingly letting a child come into something potentially complicated.

I think I have this idea that I wish it was a bit different. More romantic etc. Probably sounds ridiculous.

In an ideal world you would be 10 years younger and with the love of your life and planning a family.

In an ideal world I would be 20 years younger and doing the same.

But we're not.

If you were younger, my advice might be totally different. Children ideally should be planned and being brought into loving and stable relationships. But the last five years have taught me that conception isn't a given. And based on that experience, at your age, I wouldn't wait.

Life is complicated usually. There is never going to be the perfect time / idealised fairytale family life ...

If you want the baby then have the baby, stay near your family and support network if you've got one locally. Things may change depending on what happens or doesn't happen with your relationship and you've no way of predicting that - but right now it's just you need to focus on the decision whether YOU want this baby or not.

It sounds like you see being a single mother via IVF as simpler than potentially co-parenting if your relationship fails. I think you could end up really regretting a termination if things don't go to plan in the future. It sounds like your partner in decent, so hopefully you can find a way to make the situation work, whether you stay together as a couple long term or not.

He sounds decent and supportive. Why on earth wouldn't you at least give it a try?

IVF success is rare. I wouldn't rely on it at all as your future path.

Tell you what you could do if for whatever reason this pregnancy doesn't progress, get some eggs retrieved and frozen.

I'm in my 40s and my IVF success rate with my own eggs is 5-10%. If I had frozen eggs at your age, the chance would've been higher.

Sorry, but it would be insane to terminate a healthy pregnancy in your mid thirties only to try for IVF later on. There's no logic to that at all! IVF is grim, expensive, takes a toll on your health. Your baby's father is showing some interest in supporting you, which you won't get from a sperm donor!

In your position, I think I'd stay put for now, surrounded by friends/family, but stay on best possible terms with the father of your child and make sure he gets to spend time with the baby often early on, to ensure bonding.

If things work out in a way that makes you want to share parenting with him, or if your relationship develops, you could move to his town and ask your employer for a transfer.

You're so lucky! Congratulations!

I am 40yo, single and about 4 weeks pregnant after the second cycle of IVF with donor sperm.

The fact that you were thinking about the possibility of becoming a Single Mum By Choice (SMBC), before this happened means that you are a strong independent young woman and I wish I was a bit like you when I was your age.

I know it must be so overwhelming atm, with the pregnancy, the shock, the new guy and everything... I would say try to take some time for yourself, to make a list (or any method that works for you) and decide what you want to do. My advice: consider the pregnancy and the relationship as separate things first, and come to terms about how you feel about each one individually and then start thinking about a combination of the two. I'm here if you want a chat, or someone to read your rants and vents :)